Janus and Hestia
by Helen Pattskyn
Summary: AU Future. COMPLETE Jack, Kam and the crew of the Bonny Welshman are heading into unhcarted territory to salvage a lost ship....
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:**

I started this a while ago… and even got a couple of chapters written… before getting distracted by other projects. Lately, however, Kam and Jack have been on my brain again, so I figured if I start posting and people start pestering me to keep going, I'll actually write more instead of overindulging in the Sims2 while I'm on holiday from school. I'm officially (ambitiously) working on two pieces at once (as well as trying to finish up Blood Moon... and come out with a little holiday piece to add to Short Stories... good thing I'm on holiday myself! Believe it or not, I HAD planned to give myself a short break from writing after I finished 12 Months. I'm STILL going to a movie tonight, though, darn it ;-)

This picks up shortly after we left Kam and Jack at the end of Intermezzo, by the fantastically talented Sidlerocks. To a large extent, much of this wouldn't exist without her encouragement and input… she's given me a wonderful cast of characters to play with.

Thank you also to everyone who read the first story I wrote in this series; I honestly never expected it to be so well accepted and widely enjoyed. I just needed something to make me feel happy knowing that Ianto would die someday…

**Rating: **M because I prefer to err on the side of caution and don't want to have to feel guilty about any steamy scenes that creep into my brain.

**Genre:** Sci Fi / Drama… as usual, expect some romance and a little angst.

**Synopsis:** When we left Jack and the crew of the _Bonnie Welshman_, they were heading off into the Fringe Regions of space. What the crew doesn't know is that Jack has a lead on something more interesting, and more dangerous, than a routine salvage operation…

While I use spell check (set to U.K. English because that's where Torchwood is set), like most of my work, this is un-beta'd. All errors are mine and corrections of glaring errors are appreciated.

And lastly... do I need to tell anybody I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who? I mean, really, if I did, do you think I'd be writing here...well actually, I probably would! ;-) Just the same, I do not own that which quite clearly does not belong to me.

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**Chapter One: The Janus and Hestia**

_The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are._

_Annon._

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For the better part of the last four days there had been a charge in the air aboard the _Bonnie Welshman_. It had started when An Cho finally locked onto the frequency Captain Harkness had given both she and Kai Jennings. Of the two communications specialists, An was by far the more reserved and had made little fuss over finding the signal first. It was probably just luck of the draw, she reckoned…

She didn't even know that the Captain had put his money on her when he became aware of the 'little bet' the crew had going as to who would find the signal first, her or Jennings. Mostly he was supporting ship's morale by betting on his own shift. Jennings certainly didn't seem to take it the least bit personally.

Jack had had some reservations about the four crewmen who had remained with him after the incident at Omega Station… well, three of the four. Kam told him about Tolbert sticking up for him in the showers. Even if he and Kam hadn't spent some off-duty time shooting hoops with her and Weiss, that alone would have been enough to make him like the night shift engineer. It didn't hurt her case any, either, that she was a Hell of a mechanic. Between her and Buddy Garrison, the _Welshman_ had never been in such good shape. Jack was just as glad to have a pair of top notch engineers on board this time around.

Over the last few weeks the reservations he'd had initially about Chinball, Ali and Jennings had faded. They were good kids. In fact, there were very few members of his current crew he wouldn't consider signing on to an extended contract. What surprised Jack the most was that he was pretty sure most of them would take him up on it, too, and not just for the money. Jim Smeed concurred – Jimmy had always had a better handle on the crews' attitudes than the Captain. But between Buddy Garrison and Anna Raynor, morale was at an all time high aboard the _Welshman, _despite the general frustration and anticipation the crew of a salvage ship always felt before getting to the job.

Two days ago the hulking vessel that was their destination had finally come into view. It was an ancient derelict of ship in a slowly degrading orbit around a gas giant, the third planet out from a super giant blue star.

It was only today, however, that Jack had announced the name of the vessel they were fast approaching.

The _Janus and Hestia._

As Mr. Smeed came onto the bridge, Jack stood, giving up his seat to the day shift commander.

"Evenin' Captain," he said as he took the Captain's chair. They'd had coffee together a couple of hours ago to discuss how the next few days were going to go but then Jack returned to the bridge to finish out his shift with his crew.

He returned his First Officer's smile with one of his own, "Jimmy," he maintained an informal rapport with his First Officer even in front of the crew.

Jack glanced down the young man who sat in the pilot's chair and smiled some more; he stepped closer. His smile warmed to a grin when Kam Anders turned and met his gaze. The younger man always seemed to know when he was looking at him. It was uncanny. It brought a pleasant rush of warmth to the older man's insides, however, so he never, ever complained about it or even really commented. Some things, he had learned in his many years, didn't need to be remarked upon; they should just be enjoyed for the happiness they brought because too few things in life ever brought any kind of real or lasting joy.

The exchange only lasted a moment as Kam had to return his attention to the controls. Flying through a solar system full of debris was a lot trickier than flying through open space. They had passed the remains of at least a dozen wrecks as they neared the huge star at the heart of the system. While Kam wouldn't quite call it a ships' graveyard, it was as close as he'd ever come to one.

The day shift bridge crew was just a few minutes behind Mr. Smeed. Leah Ali, Kai Jennings and Tom Chinball came in together, chatting. They settled down as soon as they saw that both Captain Harkness and First Officer Smeed were on the bridge.

Although the crew had grown comfortable with their Captain, most of them didn't know quite what to make of him, even the ones who had known him a little longer. Just the same, when he smiled and nodded, they smiled and nodded back; it wasn't a forced effort.

Posts were traded with words of greetings and the imparting important information… this sensor's been sticking a bit, that one's been touchy… there was a lot of interference from all the debris in orbit around the planet…

Smeed shot the Captain a surreptitious glance; it had been years since either could remember having a crew that treated each other with anything better than general civility or passing carnal desire.

Jack returned his First Officer's look with a nod of acknowledgment. Approval. It had been a long time since he'd _wanted _a crew that honestly cared about each other or him. "The bridge is all yours, Mr. Smeed, but I'll be staying on to observe, if you don't mind."

Smeed shot a questioning look.

"We should be within docking range of the _Janus and Hestia_ in a couple of hours," he nodded towards the derelict ship that was taking up a good portion of the main portal. He usually observed from his cabin or the observation deck. Alone. But things were different now.

Jim Smeed hid his smile and shrugged. "Your ship, Sir. You lot're welcome to hang around, too," he glanced at the rest of the night crew. "Assuming the Captain doesn't mind."

"No objections," said Jack.

"Would you mind if we grab a bite to eat and come back?" Weiss asked hopefully. "I've never been up close to a real antique before, Sir," he explained. He completely missed the amused look on Smeed's face when said the word 'antique'.

Jack stifled his own chuckle behind a cough, nodding at the young crewman. "I suppose it isn't everyday you kids come across something quite as ancient as that old wreck out there," he winked at Kam. "Go on and get some food and then come back if you feel like it. Things probably won't get interesting for another hour or so anyway."

An Cho hid her relief at not being ordered to return to the bridge better than Kam hid his smile at Jack's comment about old wrecks. (Likewise, she completely misunderstood the Captain's wink or the young pilot's smirk. So did Weiss, but the latter chalked it up to mere flirtation between the two.)

Cho knew her feelings could get her into trouble aboard the _Welshman_, but she _needed_ this job. She wouldn't have taken a contract on a ship with a man like Harkness otherwise. Not that he seemed all bad. To the contrary, he seemed decent… but looks were often deceiving and nothing was ever as it seemed.

"Join us for a bite?" Weiss offered in her direction, startling her out of her thoughts.

She managed a friendly seeming smile. "No… thank you." She stepped aside to let him and the Captain's Boy pass through the door first.

Just as she was aware of Mr. Anders' position aboard the _Bonny Welshman_, An Cho was aware of her own. She was expendable. Her job wasn't even all that important, whereas the Captain had made it painfully clear by his past actions that he placed a great deal of value on his personal little _cyprian_.

Then again, she had some idea of what Anders must have cost the Captain. Her whole contract wasn't worth as much money as he would have had to pay out to acquire Mr. Anders' services all for himself.

………………………………………………………………….

"You honestly have no idea?" Weiss asked Kam. Again.

The young pilot smiled and rolled his eyes in a way that would have put Jack in mind of Ianto Jones. "No. Honestly. He hasn't told me any more than he's told the rest of the crew."

"But you're… you know…" Weiss stopped himself without finishing the thought because of the uncomfortable look that crossed the younger man's face. "I just meant to say that you're… you know…"

"Sharing his bed?" Kam couldn't help the acerbic edge in his voice. He didn't mean to be over sensitive, but sometimes he couldn't help himself, even with someone like Weiss who was fast becoming one of his closest friends. He was sure Weiss didn't even mean it that way…

"I was going to say boyfriend," the other young man told him sheepishly. "But I… I didn't mean to presume." He shrugged and shovelled a mouthful of Sheppard's pie into his mouth to keep himself from saying anything else stupid or embarrassing.

Kam blinked in surprise. Boyfriend wasn't a word he would have thought of to describe his and Jack's relationship. He wasn't sure what word he'd use. "I guess… maybe… look, I'm sorry," he finally just apologized for snapping.

Weiss swallowed his food and flashed a tight little smile. "Me too. If I was out of line, I'm sorry Kam, I hope you know that."

Kam regarded the other man a moment, suddenly wondering if the only reason the crew was friendly with him was because he shared Jack's bed… but Roberta had been nice to him before that. Looking closely at Weiss now, all he _thought _he saw was someone who was embarrassed over having presumed too much, not someone afraid of getting chucked out the airlock.

"I guess I've never had a boyfriend before," he admitted, hoping he wasn't misreading his companion, hoping he wasn't setting himself up for humiliation or any sort of backlash later.

When he'd lived in the Red House, he'd learnt not to trust anyone, not to rely on anyone. But on the outside Kam had learnt he _had _to rely on his crewmates… his friends… even people he didn't like or who didn't like him. "I'm not even sure what it means to call someone my boyfriend," he added.

"Relationships are never easy to figure out," said Weiss in a tone that suggested he understood.

"You mean everybody feels like this?"

He grinned, "If you mean that half the time you're on top of the world and the other half you don't know which way is up, yeah, that's pretty normal."

"How do you do it? I mean…" he was chewing his lip again.

The other man shrugged and took another bite of his dinner before continuing. "You just do, I guess. The alternative is pretty pathetic. Being alone I mean," he clarified.

"My whole life's been alone." _At least until a couple of months ago… _

Weiss gave him a startled look, but didn't comment; he didn't have to. Kam knew that no one on the outside understood what life was like for a Service Provider. The Houses and the Empire that supported their continued existence did a good job of making sure of that.

Roberta Tolbert's entrance saved Weiss from putting his foot any further into his mouth. "Care to join us?" he asked her, unable to help the way his stomach turned happy little summersaults when he saw her. It was just like what he'd said to Kam; half the time he was on top of the world, the other half, he didn't know which way was up, but whenever she was around, he felt good… happy. Especially when she smiled and slid in next to him so their knees were touching under the table.

"Don't mind if I do," she flashed a warm grin at Kam as well; he returned it. "So did you guys get a look at the _Janus_ yet?" she asked eagerly.

"So far it doesn't look like much," Weiss told her, casting Kam a mild glance. "But I _guess_ the Captain knows what he's doing." His tone clearly betrayed his lack of confidence in the operation's pay out. None of them had known before yesterday what they were out there to salvage, although it wasn't uncommon for the Captain of a ship to keep the details of an operation to himself. The law out in the margins of space was 'first come first serve' – or he with the biggest guns wins. It didn't appear to any of them as if the _Bonny Welshman_ had very big guns. "The _Janus and Hestia_ must be at least a hundred years old," he added.

"One hundred and seventy two," Roberta corrected him with a wry grin. "I looked up her records on the ship's library system as soon as we got the name. She was one of the first ships to come out this far… and one of the first to get lost. About a year ago another salvage crew found her and brought back some pretty good stuff."

"Probably _all_ the good stuff," Weiss moaned.

"I'm sure the Captain knows what he's doing," she shot a quick wink at Kam.

"Don't even try asking him," the other man continued to moan. "He keeps _claiming_ not to know anything," he said in an exaggerated tone.

It took Kam a moment to realize Weiss was only teasing him. As soon as he did, he shook his head. "Honestly, when it's the two of us behind closed doors…"

"I don't think I need to hear this," said Weiss.

Roberta punched him, although not hard enough to hurt, and her grin was good natured.

"All I meant was we don't talk about… business," Kam said, for lack of a better word.

"Good for you," said Roberta. "Seriously, the quickest way to ruin a relationship is to not be able to separate who you are when it's just the two of you from who you are when you're on duty. You've gotta be able to have your time when you're just two ordinary people, not the infamous Captain Harkness and his cute pilot boyfriend," she flashed a mischievous grin.

Kam blinked; she was the second person in one day to use that word… "He is pretty infamous, isn't he?" he said, trying to cover how very happy it made him feel to think of Jack as his boyfriend. This was all so new… sometimes he was so afraid he would wake up and find it was just a dream… or that Jack would get tired of having him around…

"I'm not the one sleeping with him," Roberta winked back at him. "But since we're on the subject… is he _really_ as good as all that?"

Kam couldn't help the smile that overtook his lips. "Oh yeah," he breathed.

She leaned forward with an inquisitive grin. "Yeah?"

"Oh God, come on, guys…" Weiss complained at them. It was no good, Kam was already talking:

"He's… innovative."

Weiss groaned. "I think I've just lost my apatite," he gave his (empty) plate a shove.

His misery, clearly feigned, only made Roberta giggle.

Kam found himself laughing too… _this has to be real,_ he thought looking at the two of them. There was no way they would act like that if all they were doing was trying to play up to the Captain though his… his boyfriend. Kam smiled again. The word in his head made him feel warm… _boyfriend,_ he repeated it to himself.

Doc Raynor was right, there would probably always be people like Avi Stasi (who had at least been civil to him the last month), but for the most part he was surrounded by people he genuinely liked. People who seemed to like him.

Best of all, there was Jack.

He looked up just in time to see his Captain come into the mess to get a cup of coffee. Jack met his gaze; the smile he gave Kam started in the very heart of those amazing blue eyes of his…


	2. Chapter 2

**WOW! **Thank you so much for the reviews so far! I was totally bowled over by the response to the frist chapter. I hope you continue to enjoy...

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**Chapter Two**

_The ghosts of the tribe_

_Crouch in the nights beside the ghost of a fire, they try to_

_Remember the sunlight,_

_Light has died out of their skies._

Robinson Jeffers

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Kam felt a flutter in his stomach when he came back onto the bridge; for once it wasn't because he was entering a room where Jack was already standing. Although the sight of him there, standing with one hand in his trouser pocket the other clutching a cup of coffee, did make the younger man's breath hitch, especially when he thought the about word _boyfriend_ and Jack's name as becoming synonymous.

Next to the young pilot, Weiss stood gaping at the same sight that had initially bottomed out Kam's stomach. The hulking wreck of the _Janus and Hestia _lay before them, taking up the entire portal.

Avi Stasi and Liza Fielding had also joined the dayshift bridge crew for a first look at the _Janus and Hestia. _Like Stasi, Fielding was an expert when it came to salvaging saleable scarp and parts from old ships.

Fielding let out a low whistle as they neared the wreck. "She's some, ship, Sir," she glanced at Captain Harkness, clearly not sharing the some of her younger crewmates' concerns about whether or not the _Janus and Hestia_ was worth the trip. Even if another crew had managed to pry some good stuff off her a year or so back, there still had to be literally tons of salvageable material on the ship the size of the one they were looking at.

Jack nodded his agreement and called for lights so they could get a better look at her; a moment later a pair of bright searchlights hit the other vessel, creating bright circles of illumination on the dark carcass of the derelict ship.

Metal shards jutted out at odd angles around holes in the ship's hull that allowed them see into her innards… it was like looking at the body of a long-dead animal that had been partially preserved by the cold of space.

Kam stepped closer to the Captain as a shiver run up his spine. Maybe it was all those ghost stories he remembered from when he was a kid… maybe it was thinking about all the other wrecks they'd passed by on their way in. It would be easy to end up as one of them. This far out there was no one to help them if they got into trouble.

"We've got about sixty four hours before that planet pulls her down completely," Jennings reported from his station. "Looks like we got here just in time, Sir."

Jack nodded and sipped his coffee.

Kam felt guilt stab at him; if it weren't for him, Jack would have had almost another week to salvage the _Janus and Hestia._

He glanced over at Weiss; he hadn't been completely honest with him earlier. He really didn't know any more than the rest of the crew did about what Jack was after, but knew that it was something important. Something specific. He'd overheard Jack and Mr. Smeed talking, he knew there was something about this ship in particular that had peaked Jack's interest. This was more than just some routine salvage operation – although it was certainly that, too.

He hadn't been eavesdropping, per se, he just happened to overhear. Jack just happened not to have noticed him, as he was on the other side of the bedroom door supposedly asleep…he hadn't stayed awake on purpose, he'd just woken up and heard Jack and Mr. Smeed talking. And Jack kept telling him that he didn't have any secrets he wouldn't share with Kam. He still hadn't brought it up. Although he _hadn't _been eavesdropping.

"What could've caused damage like that?" Weiss' hoarse whisper brought Kam out of his thoughts. The _Welsman's _searchlights swept over a huge hole in the side of the _Janus and Hestia_. It looked big enough to swallow up the smaller ship, whole.

Fielding took a step closer to the portal, "It looks like the damage came from the inside… some kind of explosion, maybe? If the main reactors went…"

"But that's nowhere near where the engines should be," interrupted a female voice belonging to a crewman no one had noticed slip onto the bridge.

Fielding shot the Captain an apologetic grimace before turning a dark glare on the girl who had spoken; Anneke Strickson was a full year younger than Kam Anders, making her the youngest member of the _Welshman's _crew. "I thought I told you to double check the equipment…"

"I did. Twice," she informed her immediate superior. "That's what double check means, isn't it?"

"I just left you ten minutes ago…"

The sound of the Captain clearing his throat silenced them. "Do you think you have something to add, Miss Strickson?" he inquired of the attractive blond standing there in denim coveralls and a grease stained shirt. He'd used the diminutive title 'Miss' only because he knew it annoyed the girl.

Despite being the youngest crewman aboard the _Welshman_, Stirckson knew herself to be one of the most experienced people out there, after than the Captain of course. But her opinions on him remained mixed. On the one hand, he'd given her a chance, signing her on without asking a lot of stupid questions; on the other hand he always looked at her as if he'd like to bed her. Like now. He looked like he was only tolerating her presence because she was pretty.

The only people who had ever taken her seriously were the crew of the _Tigreah_, the ship she'd grown up on… the ship she would probably never see again.

She'd been offered a chance to remain on board after the ship changed hands, but one leer from the _Tigreah's _new Captain was all she needed to know what would happen if she did. She would have ended up like the pretty young pilot of the _Welshman,_ serving the Captain's _every_ whim... not that it seemed as if Mr. Anders objected to his position.

She wondered if he had any idea that the Captain flirted with practically _every_ member of the day shift when he wasn't around. Not that _she_ would ever take him up on it. Harkness had a reputation; she didn't want any part of that. But she hadn't wanted to stay on Omega Station one day longer, either. Pete Davies had promised her that James Smeed was a fair and honest man… and that Harkness wasn't really as bad as the rumour mill made him out to be. So far at least Davies' assessment of Mr. Smeed had played out to be true. Besides, it wasn't as if Harkness had threatened her; he hadn't even seemed all that upset when she turned him down flat.

_It just seems unfair,_ she thought. Kam Anders was a good looking guy; he seemed nice. _He deserves better. _Watching the way looked at the Captain, anyone could see how much he loved the older man...

She cleared her throat. What went on behind others' cabin doors wasn't her business. Even if she _had_ known what was going on behind the closed doors of the _Tigreah,_ there wasn't anything she could have done to stop it, to keep them all from losing their home.

Her glance flickered briefly to Mr. Anders before she answered the Captain's question. "I looked the _Janus_ up on the ships' library system," she took a step closer to her commanding officer. "According to the specs on record, her engines are in the ass." Which was hardly atypical. How much sense did it make to put the engines anywhere else? "This is somewhere in middle of the ship isn't it… near cargo?"

"You must have a good memory," Harkness smirked at her over the top of his coffee cup. The expression reminded her of way a predator sized up its prey before moving in for the kill.

She stood her ground. "Yes, Sir. I have very good memory."

"What can you tell the rest of the class about the cargo, then?" he inquired.

Her jaw clenched. She could tell by his expression that he was well aware it was a trick question. "Nothing, Sir. That information isn't in the library."

Jack turned his attention to the two salvage experts. "Mr. Stasi, Ms. Fielding, I'd like you to put your heads together and come up with the best way to use the time we've got here. I expect to see a report within the hour – I'll be in quarters. Mr. Jennings, start the clock; I want us out of here in sixty hours."

"Yes, Sir."

"Oh," Jack added as Stasi and Fielding headed for the door, "Why don't you let Miss Strickson and her very good memory tag along? We're on a tight schedule here and need to make the most of those sixty hours." He nodded at the _Janus and Hestia, _"There's a lot of ship out there to get through." He drained his cup, turning his back on the three of them, his dismissal clear.

Begrudgingly, Fielding nodded at Strickson to follow she and Stasi off the bridge. Clearly she was unhappy about allowing the younger woman to 'tag along' – but phrased as a question or not, it was clear that the Captain had issued an order.

Weiss gave Kam a questioning glance, but it didn't surprise him when the younger man shook his head to indicate that no, he was staying a little longer. He cleared his throat, "Good night, Sir," he said in the Captain's direction. "Mr. Smeed," he nodded.

"Get some sleep, Crewman," Captain Harkness advised, not taking his eyes off the ship in front of them. "You're going to need it."

"Yes, Sir."

Kam edged a little closer to the Captain; he desperately wanted him to come back to their cabin with him, but it didn't look like he was going to be leaving the bridge any time soon. He was surprised when he found those blue eyes on him; he felt warmth overtake his cheeks.

"She's quite a sight, isn't she?" his Captain asked.

"Yes, Sir, she is." They passed another one of those gaping holes and Kam swallowed nervously. Kam didn't like to think about what kind of force it must have taken to make a hole that big in a ship like that.

"Why don't you head back our cabin," Jack suggested then, his tone quiet. "I won't be too much longer."

Kam nodded and took his cup before he left; he turned as the door slid open. "Shall I put on a pot coffee for you, Sir?" he asked, unable to keep the mischievousness from his tone. There was always one sure way to get Jack to go anywhere he wanted him.

The older man's smile was warm, and no less mischievous than his own. "Do that, Mr. Anders, and I _definitely_ won't be too much longer."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_No amount of sophistication is going to allay the fact that all your knowledge is about the past and all your decisions are about the future. _

Ian E. Wilson

* * *

Liza Fielding regarded Mr. Stasi a long silent moment; he'd just suggested that she go to the Captain's quarters by herself to present their report – or at the very least without him.

Fielding doubted she was getting rid of Ms. Strickson any time soon. _That_ wasn't surprising. The pretty little blond had been thrown a scrap and now she was going to continue begging at the table until she got more of Harkness' attention, never mind that the Captain clearly had some sort of arrangement with Mr. Anders.

Not that there didn't seem to be an air of real genuineness about Harkness and Anders. Even though Harkness flirted with everything that breathed aboard his ship, any idiot with half a brain could figure out he wasn't particularly serious… or… no, he was, she was sure of that… it was just the way he looked at Mr. Anders… he seemed more serious about the young pilot than anyone else aboard. Not that it was any of her business. It still made her smile to believe… to want to believe… that there was still such a thing as real love in the universe. Her own failed marriage aside, of course.

She continued regarding Mr. Stasi, who was becoming more and more uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

He cleared his throat. "I… had something of a… disagreement of opinion with Mr. Anders…" he didn't meet her gaze. The fewer people who knew exactly what had transpired the better.

"Well seeing as the Captain didn't toss you out of the nearest air lock, it must not've been that bad." She smirked at the surprised expression that crossed Stasi's face. "Everybody heard what he supposedly did to those two guys on Omega," she said with a shrug. All anybody knew for sure was that Harkness had kicked six guys off his ship and that two of them had ended up dead.

Charges had never been brought against the _Welshman's_ Captain, although rumour also had it he was pretty well connected on Omega Station, so it could be he that really _had_ killed them and Security had simply 'not noticed.' In Fielding's experience, security officers tended to only notice what they wanted to and their attention (or lack there of) always had a price tag attached. Just the same, she tried not to listen to rumours, even the interesting ones.... and all the rumours that were circulating about Jack Harkness were interesting.

However according to Pete Davies, a man whose opinion she valued, this would be a good gig; it might even turn into a real job. Liza Fielding wasn't going to let a few rumours stop her from taking a chance on a contract that might lead to something more permanent, even if that contract was with a guy who had a reputation like Jack Harkness. It wasn't as if her own reputation hadn't ever been blown out of proportion a time or two… and she was sick of contract work.

So far, Harkness seemed all right; a little on the lecherous side and his sense of humour was definitely off-colour (him and every other spacer out in this part of the galaxy), but as long as he didn't mind it that she wasn't interested he could flirt with her until the cows came home… whatever that was really supposed to mean. It was something her mother used to say. She knew what it meant, just not what it had to do with cows…

"I think it was more than just a rumour," Stasi said of the two dead men. He was certain that Mr. Smeed had been completely serious when he'd called him into his office for that little chat… but it wasn't his fault. He'd just assumed… a Service Provider was a Service Provider and it wasn't as if the Captain kept him locked up in his quarters.

Stasi had been on ships before where the Captain kept a cyprian their own personal recreation. The rest of the crew hardly ever saw the cyp… so if Anders was walking around, it should have meant he was fair game… but clearly that wasn't the case at all. Stasi cleared his throat again. He'd done his best to steer clear of Anders except when his job brought him onto the bridge.

Fielding shrugged. "Suit yourself. This is your sleep time, anyway," she started to walk off, Strickson in her wake.

Stasi debated for another couple of seconds before catching up with the two women. "Hold up a sec," he called. They had both been told to report to the Captain's cabin. And Fielding had a point, Harkness hadn't tossed him out an airlock… at least not yet.

……………………………………………………………..

Avi Stasi wasn't sure what he'd expected to find in the Captain's quarters – a place he'd never been before – but a quaint, tidy little lounge definitely wasn't it. He also hadn't expected Mr. Anders to greet them at the door with a warm smile, or for the younger man to graciously pour them each a cup of coffee, either. He was entirely certain that cyprians weren't supposed to do domestic, at least not like this…

He accepted the cup Mr. Anders handed him with a quiet 'thanks', but without quite looking him in the eye. Maybe he really had been wrong...

"Oh God, this is Heaven!" Strickson breathed when she took the first sip from her cup.

Captain Harkness was already sitting in one of the mis-matched chairs in the lounge, sipping his own coffee. He chuckled softly at her exclamation as Mr. Anders invited them to fix their cups however they liked. He had set out milk and sugar… even a little honey, as some folks aboard took honey in their coffee as well as their tea.

Strickson was the only one of them who missed the subtle glance Anders and Harkness exchanged then, too. The Captain's appreciation of his young lover… Anders' shy return smile… the slight bit of pink that rose in the young man's cheeks.

"Come on in and have a seat," Jack invited his crewmen in a warm tone that surprised all three of them; he got to his feet to welcome them in properly. He appeared to have been going over… _paper_ work. Paperwork on _**paper**_…

Stasi blinked as he realized that there was honest to goodness paper spread out in front of the Captain... he recognized the schematics of the _Janus and Hestia. _

_But who the Hell did paperwork on real paper any more?_ It was the middle of the twenty sixth century… Stasi glanced at Fielding; she shrugged. She seemed as surprised as he was by the sight. They both found themselves looking at Mr. Anders.

The young pilot understood perfectly the incredulous look that passed between them and ultimately made its way to him. His smile deepened and he rolled his eyes just slightly as he ushered all three crewmen into the lounge to make themselves comfortable. "Some things even I don't ask him about," he confided in a soft tone – it was loud enough for Jack to hear of course. He would never dream of saying something behind his back that he wouldn't say to his face, especially when it was something he could tease him about later.

He smirked up at the younger man, "Hey, when the computers go down, you'll be glad I'm an old fashioned kinda guy."

The remark made Kam chuckle. "If that'll be all, Sir," he reached for the book sitting on the edge of the coffee table, "I'll take my leave for a bit."

"Remember what I said about getting some sleep."

"I won't be long," Kam promised him, offering over one last soft little smile; Jack returned it in kind.

He allowed his gaze to linger over the young man a few moments more, making no attempt to hide his appreciation of the view and having no idea that the way he was looking at Kam made Ms. Strickson blush a deep shade of crimson.

As the door slid shut behind his young pilot, Jack turned a bright smile to the three crewmen. "So. What have you kids come up with?"

Fielding was the first to find her voice, "It'll take at least a couple of hours to scan the ship… assuming you've started…" his nod was all she needed; of course he'd started scanning for all the usual things, life signs (as unlikely as they were), radiation, recent energy discharges, biological contaminants… anything that would make the operation more dangerous. "Assuming there are no radiation leaks or contagions, we should be able to start salvaging her by the middle of the shift. Give the day crew a chance to get in some sleep," she cast a quick sidelong glance at Stasi, who nodded his agreement. Going in tired was a good way to insure one would make mistakes; in space even small mistakes could be fatal. "Is there anything in particular we're looking for?" Fielding asked the Captain.

Jack met her gaze and lied easily. "Nope. I deal in whatever I can find that will get a good price. Since we don't have a whole lot of time, we need to make the best of it."

"It's best to assume that whatever her cargo was, it's been picked over by now," Mr. Stasi began, his tone betraying his uncertainty. Not in his knowledge, but in his position aboard the ship. He wasn't sure how much Anders had said to the Captain, how likely the Captain was to listen to him… dismiss him… dislike him… but the Captain seemed to be listening now, so he kept talking. "Likewise electronics, computers… not that whatever wasn't fried wouldn't be too old to be useful by now anyway."

Jack smirked and drank his coffee; he was glad Kam wasn't there to hear that and comment on _that_ statement later. Just the same, he was glad the younger man was comfortable enough with him… his age… to tease him about it. He nodded. "Most likely we're going to get a lot of good scrap metal," he said. "Maybe some odds and ends that will bring a good price from antiquers." It never ceased to amaze him the junk people would pay good money for _just_ because it was old. "As those scans come through, I need you to isolate the best places to search the ship's interior."

Fielding nodded. The plan made sense. "Mr. Stasi and I… with Ms. Strickson's help… have already chosen a few locations that may yield good salvage. Once the interior is cleared for manned exploration we can go in and look around."

"Good…"

Stasi cleared his throat. "Captain, Sir, we passed a few good looking wrecks on the way in…" he began, still sounding a little hesitant to speak.

Harkness merely nodded. "The plan is to fill about half the stores with good scrap from the _Janus and Hestia_. The rest of the space we save for whatever else is out here."

"If that's the case, I'd like to get out there in the next hour or so," Fielding told him. "We passed clean section of underbelly when we first got in, should be worth a lot… Sir, you said it yourself, we don't have a whole lot of time here," she replied to the look he gave. "If there was any surface radiation, we'd know about it by now."

Reluctantly, Jack nodded, draining he last of the coffee from his up. "I'll go with you."

"Captain, with all due respect, you just came off a twelve hour shift."

"I am aware of that, Ms. Fielding," he said in a tone that effectively ended the debate.

"I'd like to add Mr. Garrison to the team, then," she said. When Harkness gave her a questioning look she answered honestly. "He's stronger than either of us, Sir. Pulling hull takes muscle, even in zero gravity."

He set down his cup and let his gaze settle on Anneke Strickson. "You feel up for a little walk outside with the rest of the big kids, Miss Strickson?" his tone and expression were nothing but pure lasciviousness… the question, however…

She swallowed, gulping in air before she tried to speak. "Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."

Jack shrugged. "No thanks necessary. Just do me a favour and don't get yourself killed out there." He turned to Fielding, who was giving him another one of those questioning looks. "Equal numbers means if we have to split up we can go in pairs, Ms. Fielding." He stated the obvious in a tone that made it clear he felt she should know that already. He reckoned she did, it was just his choice of a fourth team member with which she was taking issue. But he liked Strickson. She was young, maybe a little overeager... he wanted to give her a chance to prove herself.

What he managed to miss, however, was the suspicious look Strickson shot his way as she wondered why she was suddenly getting what she perceived as special treatment… and what he would want in return because nothing ever came free.

The Captain's dismissal, however, was clearly directed at all three of them.

……………………………………………………………………

Kam stood by watching Jack and the others suit up. He was chewing on his lower lip… Jack looked up and walked over. Even though he had the heavy gloves already secured into place, he brushed his fingers gingerly over the younger man's lips; his touch was light. Kam looked up at him, his gaze settling fully on those gorgeous blue eyes. Eyes that he had known all his life… "Please be careful out there, Sir."

Jack's smile was warmer than his usual smirk; they both knew he couldn't die. "I'll be back in no time. We're just going to take a preliminary look around and cut up some scrap metal."

Behind them, Leah Ali – who had had so many jobs in the past she could man just about any post on the _Welshman_, from bridge crew to dockworker – and Tolbert were checking and re-checking the equipment that was to go out with them. Some of it was as old as the ship they were about to scavenge.

Roberta finished up the last adjustment she wanted to make to the torches on the 'scrapper' (a large robotic unit that cut, burned, tore and stored scrap metal.) As soon as she was satisfied with her work, she joined Kam and the Captain. She could see the nervousness in the younger man's eyes; he'd never been on a salvage crew before. He'd never been anywhere before, she reckoned.

Kam had told her bits and pieces of his story. It had been less than a year since he'd run away from the Red House with little more than the clothes on his back… She smiled a genuine smile when she looked at him now, next to his Captain.

"All set, Ms. Tolbert?" Harkness asked in what she had come to think of as his 'officious' voice; it was countered by a twinkle of mischief in his blue eyes that most people seemed to miss.

"Yes, Sir," she snapped back with a grin… another Captain might have called her tone and expression insubordination, but Tolbert was learning that it was fairly difficult to do anything that Jack Harkness considered insubordinate. He was generous… good humoured… Kam was right, he was a good man. A good Captain.

Jack smiled at her. Then he turned his attention back to Kam; heedless of the fact that his crewmen were standing waiting, watching, he leant in and kissed the younger man's lips tenderly. "I love you," he whispered in a quiet tone. The only person besides Kam who was likely to hear the statement was Tolbert. Not that he cared if the whole crew heard him. _Let them think what they want,_ it was his ship. His rules. But he still didn't want to embarrass his young lover… Kam still seemed to be finding his feet.

He swallowed nervously. "I love you too, Cariad," he answered, just as quietly, but infanitely more self-consciously. Jack had never exactly hidden their relationship or even really tempered it in front of the crew… but he'd never been quite so bold either.

Kam decided then that liked it. It made him feel bolder, too… he liked the feeling. He leant in for a second quick kiss before he lost his nerve. "You'd better come back to me in one piece."

Jack's chuckle was warming; it made the feeling of courage grow bigger inside the young pilot, filling him with confidence. "Count on it, Mister," he answered him in a firm tone before stepping back to put on his helmet.

Anneke Strickson, who hadn't seen the two of them interacting since her first day aboard the _Welshman_, began to wonder if she shouldn't re-evaluate her opinion of the Captain and Mr. Anders' relationship...


	4. Chapter 4

This one is for **Roo** and her cold and **Kitsa** and her broken foot! I hope you're both better soon. Happy Holidays, All!!

* * *

**Chapter Four**

_That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet._

Emily Dickinson

* * *

Kam stood chewing his lower lip to a nearly bloody pulp as main airlock door hissed and wheezed itself shut; it sealed with a groan that betrayed just how old the ship really was. On the other side of the heavy metal door, Jack flashed him one last smile before turning away.

A moment later the outer hatch opened. Kam watched as the four of them slipped easily out into the cold darkness of space, the scrapper poised between them. He felt nauseous.

The space… the planet… the sun… beyond the _Janus and Hestia_ was completely blocked out by its hulking mass. Kam had never seen another ship like it. Even though he hadn't seen much, he'd been in and out of so many spaceports as he tried to put as much distance between himself and the Houses as he could, he'd seen so many ships both human and alien. None of them looked anything like this, so huge they could swallow up a hundred ships the size of the _Bonny Welshman_ and still have room for more.

The _Janus and Hestia _was long, vaguely cylindrical… there were larger, wider, sections here and there… he had looked at the schematics over Jack's shoulder before Stasi, Fielding and Strickson got to the cabin, but he didn't understand what he was looking at. He hadn't wanted to bother Jack by asking him to explain it. The Captain… _his_ Captain… his _boyfriend… _he'd been so engrossed at what he was staring at he hadn't even noticed Kam handing him his coffee… but Kam didn't mind.

Now, however, no matter how hard he tried, the young pilot couldn't help the feeling of dread creeping through him as the hatch closed again behind Jack and the others, shutting them off from the safety of the _Welshman's_ interior. Even if he didn't _really_ believe in ghost stories, there were so many very real things that could go wrong out there…

"Giving yourself a bloody lip isn't going to help," Roberta Tolbert's voice startled him. Her tone was kind; she laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "The Captain knows what he's doing, Kam. Buddy too… and Fielding's an expert. They'll be back in no time, you'll see." She gave his shoulder a little squeeze.

Kam swallowed, but the lump in his throat wouldn't go down. He nodded anyway. She was probably right. He was just being silly…

"You should try to get some sleep."

He shook his head. "I… I won't be able to sleep."

"Well then at least go lie down and try to get some rest. You might need it when he gets back," Roberta teased, hoping to ease his mood some.

It worked, but only barely. Kam flashed her a shy little smile; the lump in his throat still refused to go away.

A moment later, Roberta took her leave… he might not be able to sleep but she needed to get in a few hours while she could.

Kam stood by the airlock doors watching Jack get smaller and smaller… dimmer and dimmer as the blackness of space engulfed him… swallowed him whole… they were really only a few hundred metres from the _Janus and Hestia_ but it seemed so far…

Finally, he turned away from the portal and made his way back to their cabin… _their cabin_… the words echoed through his mind. He was starting to think of it as theirs. He lived here too… he hoped to always live here.

Kam fixed himself a cup of orange jasmine tea and found those paintings Henry Fitzroy had done… it was the one of Jack and his Welshman standing alone together that always drew him in the most. The love that he saw in their eyes, an emotion caught perfectly on canvas by the centuries old artist… _does he look at me that way? _He wondered. He wondered if it was a stupid thing to wonder. It didn't matter how Jack looked at him as long as he let him stay. As long as he held him and told him that he loved him.

_As long as he comes back to me… _He sipped his tea. It seemed to be calming the fluttering ache in his stomach.

He gazed down at the painting again, seeking out the same details he always sought out. He knew the rings on their fingers were the same rings Jack wore on that chain around his neck. He knew what they were… what they meant.

Jack had been married to this man… Ianto Jones. He knew in his heart that they had had a family together, even though Jack never spoke of it. He rarely spoke of his past at all.

Kam ran his fingers ever so lightly over Ianto Jones' features… he didn't want to dirty the painting. He gazed into Ianto Jones' blue-grey eyes. He wasn't him. Ianto Jones had dark hair… he was nearly as tall as Jack. He spoke in a lilting accent… in a language that was long dead. _Beautiful Welsh vowels…_ all two of them. Kam smiled.

He had never heard Welsh words spoken; the written language was a mystery to him as well. He'd managed to find a few examples of it in the ship's library, but the letters were unlike anything used in contemporary writing. He couldn't tell a vowel from a consonant.

He'd never been anywhere near Earth.

_But I feel like I was there… Cardiff… I know what it made you feel like, Ianto Jones, to have his coat around your shoulders. It smelled like him. It was warm... so much warmer than you'd expected. I know how happy and secure you were with him holding onto you like that… I feel the same way when he holds me. _

_And I __**remember**__ the first time he slipped that coat of his over your shoulders, how you felt alive for the first time in such a long time... _He didn't know why there was so much hurt associated with the time before the coat, he just knew that something about that coat had made him… the other man, Ianto… feel alive. Warm. Happy. _Safe_. Whole.

"I love him, too," he told the long dead man in the picture. "I need him. He makes me happier than I've ever been. Please don't hate me for that. I promise… I promise I'll try to make him happy. I won't ever try to replace you… but… but I love him…" he repeated, choking back tears. "I love him _so_ much." His fingers lingered over the rings they wore in the painting… he touched the pendant Jack had placed around his own neck.

It wasn't a wedding ring… it wasn't the same pendant Ianto had worn… but it still meant something special. It meant Jack loved him. Trusted him. That was enough. It was everything. Jack was everything.

After all, a man could only have so many husbands… wives…families... in one lifetime, even a lifetime as long as Jack's had been…

……………………………………………………………………….

Jack told Buddy Garrison and Liza Fielding to team up and start cutting sections of the _Janus and Hestia's_ underbelly. Fielding was right, the section was clean. No pock marks, no real scorching or other damage… she had a good eye to have made the call from the view they'd gotten of the ship from the _Welshman_ earlier. Metal this pristine was an unusually good find; enough of it would bring sufficient profit to cover the expense of the trip, meaning a healthy overage from whatever else they could scavenge while they were there. "Get as much of that as you can," he said through the suit's com.

"Aye, Sir," she replied, no doubt having made the same monetary calculation he just had. The more money the Captain made on the trip, the more likely he was to reward the crew who had made it for him with a bonus. "Whatever we can't pull before the air runs out, Stasi can get with the second team when they come out."

Since he had her eye, Jack nodded his agreement. There were four hours worth of air in each of their tanks, but standard protocol was to head back to the ship in no less than two and a half. "Miss Strickson," he motioned to her. "You're with me."

"I know how to operate a scrapper, Sir," she protested. The more hands they had cutting and ripping…

"I'm sure you do," he cut her off. "But I want to have a look around."

Reluctantly, Strickson let go of the scrapper and took hold of the _Janus and Hestia's_ hull. One thing she'd never done was spacework. She knew the inside of a ship but the outside… she'd been considered too young to go outside, even for minor repairs. And unlike the _Tigereah,_ the suits the crew of the _Welshman_ used didn't have a life line; there was nothing connecting them to the ship or even the scrapper. If anything happened…

"I've got you," Harkness' voice over the com startled her. She knew by the reception that he'd switched to a private frequency. He was holding out his hand.

"Sorry, Sir."

Wordlessly, he extended his hand a little further; she accepted and let him guide her further away from the relative security of the scrapper, hanging on to him a little tighter than her pride would have preferred.

Their gloves and boots were magnetized; they had short-burst propulsion units built into the space suits. But the latter wasn't strong enough to prevent a person from being sucked in if they got caught in the planet's gravitational pull.

Even if the planet's air was breathable – which it wasn't – the suits didn't provide the kind of protection necessary to survive atmospheric entry. A person would be burnt to a cinder long before they hit the ground. Which of course would also be fatal. Strickson had heard stories of people who had died that way… it seemed like a particularly unpleasant way to go.

"Take it easy, Crewman," Harkness' voice in her ear was firm…his made her stop. Breathe. Get a grip on herself.

She looked his way expecting to see scorn… they all treated her like a little kid and here she was acting like one. It was embarrassing.

But when she found his face in the dark, illuminated by the lights on the inside of his helmet, the only thing she could see in his expression was… kindness? There didn't even seem to be a trace of the usual lecherousness she'd come to associate with Jack Harkness. "I'm all right, Sir," she lied.

He just smiled, "I meant it when I said I didn't want you dying on me out here, Strickson." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze through their gloves.

She couldn't help but smile back, "Thanks, Sir."

"Think you've got your feet, now?"

"Yes, Sir."

He nodded; patiently, he led the way towards one of the gaping holes in the side of the hull… it was a good few hundred metres from where Garrison and Fielding were working.

"Begging your pardon, but shouldn't we wait for the preliminaries from the ship?" she asked as he poked his head inside and switched on one of the searchlights built into the outside of the helmet so he could get a better look.

"Like Fielding said, if there was any surface radiation, we'd know about it by now," replied Jack. Just the same, he wasn't going to take chances with the life of the very mortal young woman next to him. "You stay put," he said. "I'm going to have a look inside."

"Captain…"

"That's an order, Crewman. Stay within sight of the scrapper. I'll be back in ten."

"Yes, Sir," she said, although Strickson's tone made it clear that she didn't like it.

Jack clambered into the ship, mindful of the jagged metal; once inside he found his footing easily enough even on the rough surface of the badly damaged metal.

A closer look at the area around the blast site told him that the hole had definitely been blown from the inside out. The hull was nearly thirty centimetres thick… it was impossible to tell what had caused the blast, but clearly it had been big. One of the things that annoyed him most about spacework was that he couldn't get to his wrist strap through the suit to take a reading. His equipment was almost two thousand years more sophisticated than the _Welsman's_.

Jack switched to another private channel. "Jimmy? You there?"

"Yeah, I've got you," his First Officer replied. He was on the bridge with Jennings and Chinball, but wearing an ear piece so only he could hear the Captain's voice.

"I'm inside. Is there anything you can tell me?"

"First sweeps look good… hang on." Smeed leant over and brought up a read out on his touchpad. "I've got a fix on your position," he said to Jack over the com. "Looks like there's a computer relay station about… two hundred meters up."

Jack groaned. He'd promised Strickson he'd only be ten minutes and being a rookie, she was likely to panic after five. There was no way he could there and back in ten. "How good is good?" he asked of that preliminary sweep.

"No life signs… some radiation, but it's well within acceptable levels. You could go strolling around there naked and be all right… if the lack of air and temperature didn't kill you, that is."

Jack rolled his eyes. "All right. I'm going to grab Strickson and go up. You guys keep your eyes on Garrison and Fielding. I don't want any surprises while we're out here."

"Will do, Sir." Smeed acknowledged. His attention was drawn then, by the sound of the bridge door sliding open. He wasn't the least bit surprised to see Mr. Anders poke his head hesitantly into the room.

"Permission to come onto the bridge, Sir?" he asked, his tone no more certain than his expression.

"Come on in, Son," Smeed welcomed him with a smile that surprised the younger man. "We could use the extra set of hands up here," he explained simply; with Buddy Garrison out of the ship, he'd sent Leah Ali to the engine room to keep things running smoothly there. The last thing he wanted was an engine malfunction when he had crewmen out of the ship. Smeed nodded to Mr. Anders to take her station.

The young pilot cleared his throat and straightened his shirt, standing just a little taller while he was at it. "Yes, Sir," his tone was crisp. He hadn't expected to be put to work, but he was glad for it. It made him feel like he was really a part of the crew… he was important. Needed. He wasn't there _**just **_because he was the Captain's… _boyfriend_…

He smiled slightly as the word crossed through his mind and slid into the chair next to Tom Chinball. Although Tom was a few years his senior and sat in the pilot's chair during the dayshift, they both knew he wasn't half the pilot Kam was.

"Afraid I'm going to crash her on you?" Tom teased at him. He had a broad toothy grin.

Kam returned his smirk, "He's a _he_, Mr. Chinball," he corrected the other man on the _Welshman_'_s_ 'gender.'

Smeed cleared his throat. "We've got crewmen out there, boys. That means eyes and ears open and mouths _shut!"_

"Yes, Sir," both men said, nearly at in unison.


	5. Chapter 5

**Well, it's not exactly a Christmas Chapter... but HAPPY CHRISTMAS anyway :-)**

* * *

**Chapter Five**

_Now it is the time of night_

_That the graves, all gaping wide,_

_Every one lets forth his sprite_

_In the church-way paths to glide._

William Shakespeare  
_A Midsummer Night's Dream_

* * *

Strickson couldn't help the anxiousness that threatened to overwhelm her as she and the Captain ascending up through the darkened wreckage of the _Janus and Hestia._ Beams of light from their helmets cast eerie growing and shrinking shadows on everything they passed, making it look like things were moving out there in the dark. The only sounds she could hear were her own soft breathing, her heartbeat in her ears, and the soft hiss of her suit's tiny propulsion jets.

They had to move slowly… carefully. Beams and girders stuck out at odd angles… wiring dangled in loose strands and clumps… metal lay ripped and twisted. Odd bits of debris hung suspended mid 'air'. Although she knew their protective suits were tough, they weren't indestructible. Nothing was. One small tear was all it took… a person could be dead within minutes… seconds… it wasn't a pleasant way to go.

She gulped down the lump in her throat and glanced – again – at the radiation badge on her forearm. So far she was in the green, and according the readout on the inside of her visor, the radiation did indeed seem to be within acceptable levels… but that didn't make her feel any more at ease.

The _Janus and Hestia _had left port nearly two hundred years ago with a crew of over a thousand men and women… aliens… none had made it back alive.

Or dead, for that matter. Up until a year or so ago, no one knew what had happened to the ship – not that there weren't plenty of rumours to go around.

Even before Captain Harkness had announced the name of the ship he was after, Strickson had heard of the _Janus and Hestia. _She doubted they were common tales, however. Or, more to the point, the _tales_ were common, it was just a case of inserting the name of your favourite old ghost ship into a stock and trade story meant to scare little children, and it just so happened that her grandfather had known somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who was supposedly on board the _Janus and Hestia_ when she vanished_. _Or so the story went.

Some folks speculated it was the aliens aboard… they sabotaged the vessel… but that didn't make much sense, considering they'd died right along with the humans. Humans just didn't trust aliens.

Other folks thought she'd flown into unfriendly space… gotten blasted down by… what else, aliens… or that she'd run into a magnetic storm or comet or some other natural phenomena. There were a lot of things that could go wrong in space; this far outside the shipping lanes there was no one around to call on for help.

The more interesting stories went that it was the _Janus'_ cargo that was to blame for the ship going down… vanishing without a trace (not that vanishing without a trace was all that uncommon, the Universe was a big place, after all.) The theories as to what that cargo might have been could get petty wild and while they had made for great bedtime stories, Anneke Strickson didn't put much stock in them now.

Just the same, she couldn't deny the eerie feeling she got as they made their way slowly up through the bowels of the ancient wreck.

"Shouldn't we be seeing bodies, or something?" she asked the Captain, mostly because she needed to hear something other than the sound of her own breathing. She'd never salvaged a ship where people had died before, at least not like this. Every ship had seen its share of corpses, of course, things happened… _'life is fatal'_, her father used to say. But her old Captain had believed it was ill luck to steal from the dead; he'd never gone after a wreck where the ship had gone down with all hands onboard. He'd never gone after anything as big as the _Janus and Hestia,_ either. Or come this far out.

She realized the Captain was giving her an incredulous look. "After almost two hundred years?" he questioned.

"But the cold…wouldn't it preserve… something?" Some sign that people had once lived here… loved here…

"We don't know what happened here, Miss Strickson," Harkness answered simply. It wasn't the most comforting answer she could imagine, even it was probably the most realistic.

Realizing her nervousness, Jack tried to soften his tone. "Probably everybody got blasted… or sucked… out of those holes in the side of the hull." He knew it wasn't the most pleasant scenario, but it was the most pragmatic.

She nodded. It made sense. She was beginning to understand why ghost stories were so popular.

She found herself checking her O2 gauge…again. Too much or too little oxygen could cause a person to think they were seeing what wasn't there. That was the real source of most ghost stories, she knew, that and simple human paranoia, the eyes and mind playing tricks…

"Watch yourself," Harkness pulled her close.

Strickson gave a startled cry… if he weren't holding her tight against him now, she might have ripped her suit on the jagged bit of hull she'd nearly collided with. She gulped in air, the fear of hyperventilating long forgotten. "S-sorry…" she stammered up at the Captain. He very well may have just saved her life.

"Gotta watch where you're going," he chided. His tone was unexpectedly gentle… but at this angle, she couldn't see his face to try and better gauge his real motives. Still, it was a Hell of a strange place to be making passes at her and if he hadn't grabbed her… she closed her eyes a moment and let the Captain do the manoeuvring for both of them. She didn't want to watch any more strange shadows pass them by anyway. The whole place was giving her the creeps.

It was only a few seconds more before he landed them gently on solid floor. "You ok?" he asked when he was finally able to see her face again to realize her eyes were shut.

She opened them. He was staring at her… his expression was unreadable. After all, why would the Captain _care…_ _**really**_ care… about his crewmen? They were just there to do a job for him… whatever job he wanted them to… like Mr. Anders… like the way the _Tigreah's_ new Captain had looked at her… she cleared her throat. "I'm fine, Sir. Just… a little overwhelmed, I guess. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

He smirked. "Yes it will." His tone wasn't unkind.

She blinked up at him, not understanding.

"When it stops being overwhelming, when you stop looking around and being amazed by everything you see, that's when it's time to pack it in, Miss Strickson. There is so much to see out here…" his voice trailed off a moment. "Every day you should take the time to discover something new about the world you live in."

"But… we live most of our lives in a tin can…" she flushed a deep shade of crimson. "I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean…" Captains were notoriously protective of their ships and calling his ship a tin can was no way to impress him.

It was why his chuckled surprised her. "That doesn't mean that there aren't things to be discovered there… if you've got your eyes open." His smile warmed despite the fact – or perhaps because of it – that he knew how close he'd come to missing something extraordinary… _Kamden Anders_. It made him wonder how much else he'd missed over the years…how many people had suffered for his blindness… But there was no turning back the clock. "Come on, there's a computer relay station on the next deck up. You and that very good memory of yours shouldn't have any difficulty in helping me find it."

"What makes you think there's any juice left…?"

"You let me worry about that," he shot her another one of those infamous Jack Harkness smirks.

……………………………………………………………………

Strickson peered over Harkness arm at the device he'd pulled from his pack. It wasn't like anything she'd ever seen before… it didn't even look like it was of human origin. Of course he was the Captain of a salvage vessel, so there was no telling what he'd picked up along the way. It was just that most humans in her experience were leery of anything that wasn't human… then again, Jack Harkness wasn't like anyone she'd ever met before.

She watched as he punched in what seemed to be some sort of code on the keypad… the symbols were utterly foreign. "Can… can I ask what you're doing, Sir?" she breathed. She'd learned the hard way that very few Captains appreciated a nosey crewman, especially not when that crewman was just a 'kid'.

"Hang on," he told her, changing frequencies and talking to somebody else, presumably aboard the _Welshman_. Whoever it was, she noticed the way his expression changed as he spoke. His eyes twinkled just a little more… he laughed at something that was being said. It was a deep genuine laugh. She couldn't hear it, but she could see it… his laugh was unreserved, unrestrained. It made his dimples show.

Then his expression softened… she felt heat rising in her cheeks and knew that he must be speaking with Mr. Anders; he was wearing the same expression he'd worn when they said good bye to each other at the airlock. The same expression he'd worn in their quarters before the young pilot took his leave… it was the expression that made her re-evaluate her opinion of Captain Harkness' and Mr. Anders' relationship.

Not that it was any of her business, she reminded herself.

She realized his attention had refocused on her; she blinked and forced a smile. "Everything all right on the ship, Sir?"

"They're doing fine," he said simply. He turned and pressed the device to the wall near the computer terminal.

"So…?" Strickson prompted... the screen on the device sprang suddenly to life, but it only displayed more of the same strange symbols that adorned the keypad… a moment later the screen on the computer terminal blinked to life, flashing a seeming endless series of 1's and 0's… binary code. Tonnes and tonnes of it… she felt her jaw grow slack. There was no way this old bird had any power left in her… "How?"

The Captain smirked triumphantly. "I've managed to pick up all sorts of odds and ends over the years… although I shouldn't have to tell you that I haven't necessarily reported every find to the 'Great and Bountiful Human Empire'…?" he ended with a questioning look.

Strickson's sneer was all Jack needed to tell him that he'd been right about not having to worry about her. "Please," she added as if for good measure.

Her tone and expression made him chuckle.

"So are you going to tell me what that thing does?" she asked again.

"I'm downloading the information from the _Janus and Hestia's_ computers to the _Welshman's_ system. Don't worry, he can handle it," he added with a wry grin.

"Why do you call your ship a 'him', Sir?"

"It would be kinda silly to call a Welshman a 'her', don't you think?"

She blinked. "I… never thought about it. Ships are always referred to as being female…"

"You shouldn't presume so much, Crewman," he shot her a merry wink that made the deeper meaning of his statement clear.

She didn't have too much time to think about it, however; the light on the alien device blinked from green to yellow. Strickson watched the Captain punch in another code… then he removed it from the wall. "Is that it?"

"That's it."

"But…" there had to have been hundreds of yottabytes of information stored on a system as large as the _Janus and Hestia's…_ which really should be enough to fry out the _Welsman's_ system…

"Technology, Miss Strickson."

"Don't you mean alien technology, Sir?"

He didn't answer, he just waggled his brows at her and pocketed the device.

"Is that it, then?"

"Well… while we're here, we might as well have a look around," he flashed a mischievous, almost childlike grin; it would have made her laugh even harder if she'd had any idea how old the Captain really was…

………………………………………………………………………

Kam handed the earpiece back to Mr. Smeed with a smile of pure gratitude. He would have been content to be told that Jack was all right, but to hear his voice… to hear those words… _I love you… I'll see you soon._ To be able to talk to him for just a moment… to know that Jack had _wanted_ to talk to him… he felt as if his chest was going to burst.

But he forced himself to turn and concentrate on the _Welshman's _sensors. Mr. Smeed was right, there were crewmen out there. They were depending on the bridge crew to keep an eye out for anything that could endanger them when they were outside the ship.

"Mr. Jennings," Smeed said after he exchanged a few more words with the Captain. "There's going to be some information coming through your station from the Captain… he's managed to breathe a little life into that wreck out there," he explained simply. "He's sending us a data stream from her main computers," he kept his tone neutral. Casual. It didn't matter, they were still surprised to hear that the Captain had managed to pull anything out of the _Janus and Hestia _besides scrap metal. "See if you can pull up the ship's manifest."

"But Sir… that amount of information…" it could take hours to download…_ days_ to unscramble… they'd be long gone before he could access anything from the _Janus and Hestia._

Smeed waved aside the argument. "Just do your job, Crewman."

"Yes, Sir." He cast a quick glance in Kam's direction, but the younger man just shrugged. Maybe he didn't know how impossible it was to think that… his computer screen beeped for attention. New files were being uploaded at a frightening rate… "What... what exactly am I looking for, Sir?" he asked.

"Just pull up the manifest and send the information over to my station, Mr. Jennings," said Mr. Smeed. It probably wouldn't do to tell the crew that Jackie was looking for the cabin of a particular crewman...

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

_If man were immortal he could be perfectly sure of seeing the day when everything in which he had trusted should betray his trust, and, in short, of coming eventually to hopeless misery.  
He would break down, at last, as every good fortune, as every dynasty, as every civilization does.  
In place of this we have death._

~Charles Sanders Peirce

* * *

_**One hundred and sixty five years ago…** _

Jack was roused from a deep and dreamless sleep by a sound he hadn't heard in… in longer than his sleep addled brain cared to try calculating. Outside the bedroom window, the sky was still dark...

"Jack…?" queried one of his bedmates. He rolled over and eyed the Captain sleepily, a lazy smile drawing its way slowly across his soft features. "What's got you up Handsome?" his tone was an echo of the one Jack often used himself. Despite his own sleep deprivation, it would take little to coax the younger man into round… five? four? Six?

"Go back to sleep, it's nothing," Jack lied quickly. Easily.

Too easily.

He leant in and gave the other man a long languorous kiss before getting himself out of bed and into the bathroom as quickly as he could without arousing further suspicion.

The couple in the other room had no idea about… well, about much of anything, even though Jack had been occupying their bed for the better part of the last three months.

More than their bed. He'd become a part of their lives. They liked him. It was mutual. For the first time in a long time, he was involved in something that was more than just passing time… _but maybe that's because they don't know who you are,_ he said silently to his reflection in the bathroom mirror. No one knew who he was any more.

He locked the bathroom door before flipping open his wrist strap. He turned on the faucet to further muffle the message that had just come through. There were very, very few people who could contact him through the vortex manipulator…

Fully aware that he was holding his breath, he hit the button and watched as a nearly life sized image of John Hart shot out of it.

"I know, I know, I'm the last person you expected to hear from in this god forsaken century. Gawd. And I thought the twenty first century was bad… my own fault really," his laugh was bitter. "I always was rubbish at history, should have remembered how dismal things got.

"So," the man who may or may not still be using the name John Hart went on, "I'm sure you're wondering what this is all about… oh and yes, I've still got your little box," he held it up as proof.

The box was exactly as Jack remembered it. It was about the size and shape as a shoe box, made of some sort of stone… it wasn't a mineral indigenous to Earth… In fact, it wasn't something either Jack or his fellow former Time Agent had ever seen before. Or at least Hart had claimed as much when he first brought the box to Jack's attention, some three hundred years ago… the twenty first century.

Cardiff…

Torchwood.

Jack closed his eyes a moment as faces long forgotten swam to the surface memory. He couldn't see them in detail any more, but they were still there. They would always be there.

_Please let them always be there… _he didn't want to forget any of them.

He recited their names, one by one, hanging onto every little detail that his brain allowed him to conjure up. It got harder and harder with each passing year…

Gwen… dark hair… sassy attitude…that lummox of a boyfriend… husband… Rhys… a good man, really… but still a bit of a lummox….

Tim… Abby... God, that music of hers… _Plastic Death…_ what kind of a name was that for a band, anyway?

Sara, quiet… intense…

Mickey. He felt the flicker of a smile work its way across his lips. _Mickey Mouse… _

Toshiko Sato… Owen Harper.

He always saw them when he thought of his team, _that_ team, even though they had been long dead before…

_You finally went and got yourself a blond, I see,_ John smirked when he met Bobby Chase for the first time.

The Australian rolled his eyes. Jack couldn't remember what he'd said, but knew it had been good. Three centuries later, he could almost still hear the twang of the medic's accent… almost see his blue eyes...

Bobby had been the first of them to leave. Die. He should have known that no matter how hard he tried, the life of a Torchwood operative was short. He should never have…

_No regrets, Jack… no regrets and no apologies…_ the Australian's voice echoed in his memory, the ghost of a man long dead. _You showed me the Universe. I don't regret a single moment of that… of the life I've had here. Wendy...meeting her... falling in love... Look after her, will you…? I know Ianto will, but she looks up to you more than you realize… _

Jack swallowed back the deep pang of hurt… loss…

Longing.

Ianto Jones.

His Welshman.

A quiet man with a wicked sense of humour who had stalked his way into his life and turned it upside down…

_Chocolate chip cookies._

_Orange jasmine tea._

_Pineapples._

_Grey blue eyes._

_Beautiful Welsh vowels._

He made himself repeat the list of things he associated with the man he'd loved and buried so long ago, determined not to break his promise, determined to _**never**_ forget that Ianto Jones had lived. _That he loved me more than anything._

_A stopwatch… a red UNIT cap._

_Coffee._

… _he looks good in a suit too… careful, that's harassment, Sir… _

"Don't forget to empty the bins," he spoke aloud without meaning to, his fingers grasping onto the rings he still wore on a chain around his neck.

_A rose garden._

_A birth certificate. _

_Their wedding day… _

He wiped the moisture from his cheeks and realized he was going to have to replay John's message.

Three centuries Ianto had been gone and he still missed him so much… but with each passing decade he forgot things… the sound of his voice… his laugh… his smile.

Jack could remember loving his smile, loving the way he looked at him when they were curled up in bed together enjoying a rare moment of quiet when they could sleep in… not that they usually got a whole lot of sleeping done… But he couldn't see the young Welshman's smile any more, no matter how hard he tried.

Would he really be able to keep his promise, he wondered… would he really be able to remember Ianto forever?

The thought of forgetting him made him ache deep inside… and yet if he forgot it wouldn't hurt… but if he forgot, what would he have to hang onto in the long cold nights ahead? What would he have to keep him warm…?

"Jack? Are you all right in there?" called a female voice from the bedroom.

Shit. How long had he been standing there silently crying? He had no idea. He turned off the faucet. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," he lied.

There was a long pause on the other side of the door. "I'm going to put on some coffee and send Euwan out for a few things… do you want anything in particular for breakfast?"

"No… No, wait, pineapples…?" he asked. He was sure it was probably a little like cheating… a lot like cheating… but pineapples reminded him of Ianto and as sad as those memories made him, they made him happy too… it didn't make any sense, but there it was. He was officially screwed up and he knew it.

Oblivious to her lover's thoughts, Mari laughed; it was a beautiful sound… Jack was sure that in a century or two he wouldn't even remember her name. He wouldn't even try. "You and your pineapples. Ok. Just holler if you need anything, will you, Sweetie?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. Thanks." He listened carefully for the sound of Euwan and Mari's footsteps as they padded out of the bedroom…

Jack re-wound the message.

"….and yes, I've still got your little box."

He swallowed hard. The lump in his throat and the pit of his stomach didn't go away. Neither did the hurt. That box had been the source of a lot of pain for a lot of people. Ianto had been one of them… he'd looked into it...

Jack pushed back the memories before they overwhelmed him again. They'd gotten through it. Barely. Ianto had had nightmares for weeks… months… afterwards, even after John and that damned box vanished. In a way he was glad to be rid of it even though he knew deep down that he hadn't seen the last of John Hart. Or the box. He was just glad they hadn't reappeared in Ianto's lifetime.

The image of John was still talking at him.

"Now, before you decide to track me down," he continued, his voice drawling in a way Jack reckoned the other man thought others found charming, "let me assure you that you won't be able to. But don't worry, I'm about to tell you where I am, so it's not necessary. I wouldn't go through all the bother of tracking you down if I didn't honestly want to see you, Jack.

"When I looked into this thing," he laid his hand over the box. "When I looked into it… you were right. But it wasn't a mistake. I saw… I saw who I could be. Who I might have been if I'd made other choices… I didn't like what I saw… or maybe I liked it a little too much. Either way, that's why I borrowed it. I figure you're probably still pissed at me about that; you never were very good at sharing your toys. Just… try to trust me a little bit… yeah. Right. Ok. So I know that's not likely to happen." John sighed.

He went on: "At any rate, I'm on a ship called the _Janus and Hestia_ and the reason you won't be able to track me is that I'm a very clever fellow," he smirked. "The _Janus and Hestia's_ a research and exploration vessel. She left port seven years ago. That means that in about six days she'll be back. I'll see you at the Vargadoon Research station," he pronounced the name slowly and carefully.

"And Jack…I…" his tone faltered… softened. It rang with sincerity that was unusual… but not impossible to believe. "I do still love you. I always will. It's only been a couple of years for me… you know, when I recorded this… since the last time I saw you. I know it's been… what… three hundred years for you? And…look… I… I know… I imagine… I'm sorry I wasn't around… not that I would have been welcome or anything… but I know that unless you found some miracle cure for death or something that by now they're all gone – that team of yours – and I am sorry. I know they meant the world to you. That _he_ meant the world to you. I'm sorry for that. For your loss. I honestly can't imagine… well… you know. I… just… I've got to go. See you in a week. Oh… before I forget… just let me state for the record that if I get one single comment from you about grey hair or going bald or fucking _laugh lines_ and I'll shoot you dead. Twice! It's hardly my fault you get to spend forever looking as gorgeous as ever while the rest of us keep getting older. Take care of yourself, Jack. I'll see you soon."

Jack chuckled despite the tumult of conflicting emotions churning around inside him… John for all his faults wasn't really a bad guy… not unredeemably so… He was a thief. He'd vanished into time and space with the box. But he hadn't sold it… he still had it. That meant he understood something about it… maybe something that Jack hadn't understood because when he'd looked inside he had seen Nothing...

_Darkness… the cold dark empty vacuum of space… not even a single star to illuminate his way through the dark… _the memory of all that nothingness was enough to chill Jack to the very core of his being.

He shook it off and accessed the main computer system. A new chill came over him. Six months out of port, almost seven years ago by now, the_ Janus and Hestia_ had gone missing. She was presumed lost and everyone onboard dead…


	7. Chapter 7

**I hope everybody had a happy, safe New Year's Eve!**

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Three passions have governed my life:  
The longing for love, the search for knowledge,  
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

_Bertrand Russell (adapted) – excerpt _

* * *

Jack was oblivious to the hurt look that filled his young lover's soft brown eyes. Although the first thing he did as when he and the other crewmen were safely back aboard the _Welshman _was to hook his arm around Kam's waist and pull him in close, pressing a firm kiss to his forehead, Jack barely looked at him. His attention was focused on Mr. Smeed.

"What do you have?" he asked his First Officer in an anxious tone. He released Kam so Leah Ali could help him with the rest of his gear. Getting in and out of a space suit wasn't a one person job. He handed her the helmet he'd wrestled out of on his own but he had no choice but to let her help with the gloves.

It seemed to Kam that Jack didn't even notice him stepping away so Leah get him stripped out of the bulky orange suit – although he certainly seemed to notice_ her_.

"Come by our quarters sometime and you can help me out of the _rest _of my clothes…" he teased with a lascivious smirk, his brows raised suggestively when she finally had the gloves off his hands. He winked at Kam, but didn't seem to notice the younger man's lack of response.

He was _so _happy to have Jack back in one piece… he'd been so worried. Even if Jack couldn't die, he could still get hurt and the thought of ever seeing him get killed again made Kam's guts wind up into tight cold hard knots… but Jack didn't seem to notice.

Kam watched him, wondering (not for the first time) how long it was really going to last. Sooner or later he was sure to find someone else. _Someone older… smarter… less naïve._ Jack was so amazing.

Leah rolled her eyes at the Captain's lewd comment and handed off the helmet to Kam, nodding at the shelf where it went. She was too busy concentrating on what she was doing to notice the younger man's hurt expression or think twice about the way the Captain was 'ignoring' him. Space suits were designed for spacework; in atmosphere, gravity, they were heavy… hot... bulky, difficult to move about in and not at all comfortable.

Besides, by now most of the crew had sussed out that the Captain's flirtations weren't serious… Well… they were serious… but he wouldn't take it the wrong way when he got turned down. Everybody knew he adored Mr. Anders. It was written all over his face, especially when Anders was in the room.

Kam took the helmet wordlessly and stored it away where Leah had nodded, likewise with the gloves and the rest of the equipment as she passed it over. _At least I'm not completely in the way.._. he thought sullenly, aching to have Jack look at him.

He hadn't actually expected him to pull him into his arms and… yes he had. _But that's stupid. Stupid and selfish. I'm just his… _

Boyfriend.

Suddenly the word seemed all wrong.

_I'm his bed warmer,_ Kam decided, trying very hard not to let the realization sting too much. It wasn't really a bad thing, not with a man like Jack Harkness. Jack played with him… danced with him… read to him… He was a good man. A really good man. He would treat him well, Kam knew that. He would care for him… care _about _him.

But it wouldn't last. How could it? Kam was barely twenty. Jack was nearly three thousand years old.

_How can I honestly hope to keep the interest of someone like that?_ How could anybody? Jack had seen… he must have seen the whole Universe!

Kam took a deep breath and told himself that he was just going to enjoy the time they had together and when it was over he'd… he'd move on. Deep down he knew that it would probably kill him.

"That name you asked about wasn't on the manifest," Mr. Smeed answered the Captain's previous question in a cautious tone. _He_ wasn't unaware of the young pilot's pained expression; he had a pretty good idea what the cause of it was, too.

"He was probably using an alias," said Jack, oblivious to both Kam's hurt and Smeed's private thoughts. He reached for the electronic pad his First Officer was holding in his hand; he was only half out of his suit.

He began skimming the names, hoping John had used a name he knew – or at least something he could figure out. Even if he put every member of his crew in a suit and sent them into the _Janus and Hestia_, they didn't have enough time to search each and every cabin… sixty hours. He sighed, trying to hide his exasperation. It would take sixty _days_ to search that entire ship.

"I'll be in my office," he shimmied the rest of the way out of the suit, his attention still focused on the pad's screen. He took his leave without so much as a backwards glance at anyone.

Kam finished helping Leah Ali get the others out of their suits. As soon as Buddy and Fielding were out of theirs, they started helping Mr. Stasi and his team suit up… when the Captain had said round the clock salvage, he'd meant it. The best the crew could hope for over the next fifty eight hours were two and three hour power naps in between shifts.

Instead of being disgruntled at the loss of sleep and rec time, however, the crew were eager to get to work. More than looking at a prospective pay off, most of them were happy to be working for a man they respected.

…………………………………………………………..

Despite Mr. Smeed's suggestion that he should get some sleep, Kam went to the cabin that had been his home the last two months and started a pot of Jack's special industrial strength coffee. He knew Mr. Smeed was right, he should sleep. But he wasn't going to be able to. He had too many things on his mind; very few of them were pleasant.

After all, what did he really think was going to happen? Jack was going to… to carry him off into some fictional sunset like the hero in some stupid romance novel?

Only that's what he had done.

Waiting for Jack's coffee to finish, Kam found himself sitting on the sofa. He pulled the blanket off the back of it and wrapped it tight around himself, wishing it was Jack's arms instead of just the blanket. He remembered the very first time he'd been in the Captain's cabin. How scared he'd been. How unsure of himself. Of Jack. His intentions.

He was sure he knew what the Captain had wanted, but that kiss… very few people had ever wanted to kiss him. Not like that. Not on the lips. Service Providers didn't get kissed, they did the kissing. But that was his old life…

He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, tucking it right up under his nose and inhaling deeply. The whole place smelled like Jack. The smell made him so happy.

_God, I love you so much… _the thought brought equal measures of joy and pain.

The coffee pot sputtered. He got up, leaving the blanket behind, and poured some of the nearly opaque black liquid into the biggest mug in the cupboard… Jack's mug. He added sugar… _it is definitely a wonder he has any teeth left… _they must be immortal as well, he reckoned. He smiled despite the storm of emotions brewing inside him.

He'd never been so happy… but it couldn't last. Good things never did. He believed everything Jack had ever told him, he just didn't see how he could possibly keep his interest for more than... a year... maybe two. Three. Four. He doubted it would last even that long.

fHe stopped that train of thought before the hurt became any more unbearable.

They weren't over yet. He was still here… Jack would come back to their cabin eventually. He would come to bed… _hold me… kiss me… tell me he loves me… _

Kam took another moment to pull himself together before making his way to Jack's office with his coffee. The last thing he wanted was for his Captain to realize how insecure he still was… he didn't want the Captain..._ his_ Captain... to think him ungrateful.

The look that the older man gave him when he stepped into his office was difficult to read. It was a strange mix of warmth and hurting… a flicker of something that Kam thought might be memory crossed his face… those blue eyes. Whatever it was, it made Jack smile a bitter sweet smile.

"Just the thing I was wishing for," Jack put down the electronic pad.

"Would that be me or the coffee, Sir?" Kam couldn't help but tease him.

He had no idea of the impact the words had on the older man, no way of knowing that they were an echo of something another man had said so often that Jack could close his eyes and see him standing there wearing Jack's favourite suit, the one with the red shirt… the waistcoat… that tie… blue grey eyes twinkling with mirth, knowing what Jack was going to say next…

But he didn't close his eyes. He focused his attention on the young man standing there watching him wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans and that leather vest Jack found so irrestable. "Both?" he asked playfully, well aware that it was the same answer he'd always given to that question, at least when Ianto asked it.

Kam laughed.

_Brown eyes._ Jack told himself. _Brown eyes. Blond hair… barely twenty years old._

_Chicken and dumplings._

_Pineapples._

_Coffee._

The things that made Kam special, even though some of those things were shared with somebody else who had been so very special. _Somebody who loved me more than anything._

Kam closed the distance between them and set the mug down at Jack's elbow, the handle pointing at exactly seven o'clock. He hesitated a moment, aware that the older man's expression remained an odd mix of happy and sad that he didn't understand… finally he said he'd let Jack get back to work. He paused a moment more before turning to leave.

"Hey," he snagged his young lover by the arm, pulling him gently back towards him. "You should get some sleep."

"I know. I just… I'm… I'm really glad you're back," he said, trying not to bite at his lower lip. He felt like such a stupid little kid to be admitting that aloud. He'd only been out of the ship a couple of hours… _he's going to think… _butbefore he could finish the thought, he felt another gentle little tug at his arm.

Jack brought the younger man down into his lap and encircled him in his arms. "I'm glad to be back," he pressed his lips to Kam's forehead again. He felt him sag against him. Relax. "It's nice to have somebody to come home to," he admitted. The words, albeit true, slipped out before he could stop them.

Kam blinked in surprised. "Do you really mean that?"

Jack answered him with a kiss. It was soft at first, gentle. Gradually he coaxed the younger man's lips open, deepening the kiss… he held him close. He was such a perfect fit against him. He was shorter. His body was so different… but it was still perfect. He made Jack feel … whole. Happy. And that kiss… God, he loved that kiss. "I mean it."

"Come to bed?" Kam asked hopefully. Maybe he was being silly, maybe… hope made his heart swell.

"I can't. I have to go through this," he felt Kam's body slump in disappointment. "There were over a thousand people on that ship," he explained, trying to make the other man understand. "Even eliminating the women… non human crew…" _the children._

Not just the handful of kids who had gone with their parents. The _Janus and Hestia _had vanished six months out of port. He wasn't clear on what exactly had happened to her out here, why all contact had been lost, but she didn't go down for another five years after she'd disappeared and according to the records he'd accessed, in that time there had been six births on board.

Knowing they were lost and might never get home, the crew had carried on. They'd done what people always did… they'd survived.

Even when the Universe went dark, mankind would still be out there surviving despite the fact that space and time were literally flying apart…

"Cariad?"

Jack shook himself. "If I narrow my search to just the men on board, I've still got about six hundred names to go through," he said. There was no way to narrow it any further; the information contained in the ship's manifest only listed names, birthdates. Planets of origin. None of those things could help him find a man living out of his time.

Kam bit his lower lip. Before, he had assumed that Jack was looking for some_thing_, not some_**one**_. Someone who was probably dead… "Who… who are you searching for?" he asked. Jack was always saying he didn't have any secrets…

"I knew somebody who was supposed to be on that ship. We were supposed to meet, when he got back. Only the ship got lost out here." He shrugged.

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't find out about it until… until it was too late to do anything." He said it aloud because he needed to hear the words. He needed to believe them. He needed to convince himself that there was no way he could have saved John… any of them. He hadn't received the message until the _Janus and Hestia _was already lost. "By the time he told me where he was, he would have been dead for two years. Time delayed message," he explained.

"But you're still looking for him."

"I'm looking for what he had with him. And… and maybe… I just want to know that he's really gone," Jack answered honestly. "Maybe I _need_ to know," it was hard to believe that he'd never hear his annoying drawl again, never see his sneer. John was the last living remnant of a place Jack had left so long ago… people he'd loved… buried… "We… we were…"

"He was your boyfriend," said Kam. He didn't bother to make it a question.

"A very, _very _long time ago, Sweetheart." _And it's so much more complicated than that… _

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Kam surprised him by asking, his tone carefully guarded. Neutral.

Jack pressed his lips to the younger man's forehead again. "No. I don't even know what name he was using."

Kam shifted so they were looking at each other; his brows had knitted together. "What do you mean?"

"Kam… " he could see in the younger man's eyes that he was making the connection. The leap. "I…"

"It doesn't matter." People changed their names for all kinds of reasons. He shouldn't have expected that Jack's name was really Jack. "I should let you get back to work." After all, it was his fault they had so little time here. Jack had wasted almost a week at Omega Station because of him. He slid out off the older man's lap, out of his grasp.

"We'll come back to this some other time, I promise."

"It really doesn't matter," he leant in and Jack met the kiss half way. "How soon are you going back out?" he asked, still keeping his tone very carefully neutral. He knew there was no way Jack was going to send someone else to look for whatever remains his boyfriend had left behind.

"As soon as I figure out which cabin was his," he conceded without arguement.

"Can… I'd like to go with you. Please…?"

He shook his head. "You've never been in space before, Kam. A derelict ship in a rapidly decaying orbit isn't the place to start," he added when he saw the argument – the disappointment –in the younger man's expression. "I promise, there'll be another ship… another time… but not today. Not this ship. That's an order, Mister," he added. Although he meant it light-heartedly, Kam didn't laugh.

"Yes, Sir," he turned to leave.

"Hey… you want me to come and tuck you in?"

"No. I'll be fine. I… I know this important to you," he forced his voice to remain steady, his gaze not to waiver away from Jack's. "Just… wake me if you end up going back out before I have to get up for my shift?"

"I will. I promise. I love you," he said the last in a softer tone.

It was easy to mistake his tone as an afterthought; Kam smiled anyway. No matter how much… or how little… time they had, he was going to do everything he could to make the best of it. "I love you too."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

_Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.  
In the union of love I have seen  
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision  
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined._

Bertrand Russell (adapted) – excerpt con't.

* * *

Jack put his cup to his lips only to find it woefully empty. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. They were dry and tired from staring at a computer screen and he was starting to see double. He glanced at the clock; he'd been at it for a little over two hours. No wonder his neck was stiff.

Going through a measly six hundred and twenty seven names _shouldn't _be taking so long… it probably wouldn't have, but he wasn't just going over the manifest. He was using the _Welshaman's _computer system to access background information on the most likely candidates; as information came in, he would stop and read it, hoping something would jump out at him putting an end to the seemingly endless search. Unfortunately personal information on people who had lived and died a hundred and sixty five years ago could be sparse.

So far he hadn't come up with anyone who was definitely the man he had last known as Captain John Hart. At the rate he was going, he was going to have to search at least a dozen crew cabins scattered through out the derelict ship. He doubted he had that kind of time… only John hadn't left him with a whole lot to work with.

Jack kept replaying his last message looking for anything he might have missed, some clue as to what he might have been calling himself or what he was doing on board the _Janus and Hestia _in the first place_. _

Research and exploration wasn't the sort of thing he would have ever expected John to get himself involved in… and a seven year haul? As Jack remembered the man, he didn't like to make dinner plans more than a few hours ahead of time, forget trying to get him to commit to a play or a concert or anything that required any kind of forethought. A seven year stint aboard a research and exploration vessel was completely out of character.

Granted, he could have used the vortex manipulator in his wrist strap to leave any time he wanted. But if he had, he would have been at Vargadroon Station for the meeting he'd set up... unless he'd changed his mind. It was an unpleasant possibility, but it was one Jack had to face.

A hundred and sixty five years ago, he had gone to Vargadroon Station and waited there for a week hoping that John had somehow escaped the fate of the rest of the crew of the _Janus and Hestia_. Hoping he had used the vortex manipulator to skip through time. Hoping he would show up.

He didn't.

He had spent a good deal of time and energy in the ensuing hundred and sixty five years searching for anything that would lead him to the _Janus and Hestia._ Anything that would lead him to John Hart, because there was only one way to know for sure if he had really been on that ship when she'd gotten lost. Jack had to find his cabin… find the box… find anything he might have left behind.

And he only had fifty six hours to do it, then the _Janus and Hestia _would be lost for good…

He arched his back, stretching – snap, crackle and popping with fatigue. He hauled himself up from his chair and grabbed his empty cup. If he knew Kam, there was more coffee waiting for him in the pot back in their quarters.

Thoughts of the younger man made him smile in a way he knew he hadn't smiled in five hundred years.

He let himself into their cabin quietly. The lights were down, a good indication that Kam had finally gone to bed. As predicted, there was still some coffee left in the pot.

Before pouring himself some, he slipped into the bedroom to check on his lover; the young pilot was curled up in the blankets, holding onto one of the pillows, dead asleep.

His smile widened… warmed… and made his way over to the bed. Not wanting to wake Kam up, he knelt down next to the bed, his chest surging with familiar emotion… an emotion he hadn't felt in so long, not like this.

He _had _loved after Ianto. There had been… Hell, there had been plenty of people he'd cared for deeply, including Jimmy Smeed.

"But when I look at you…" he breathed softly, not wanting to disturb Kam's sleep, "when you fell into my life… into _me_…" his smile deepened at the memory of rolling around the deck with the terrified young pilot in his arms. "I never thought I'd feel this way again," he admitted to the sleeping man. "I wasn't sure I wanted to."

Losing Ianto had hurt so much. They had had so little time together. He remembered thinking how unfair it was… a little over a decade… thirteen years. Fourteen, counting the year they'd spent in the fiftieth century… sixteen if he counted the first two years… years he'd wasted running away from what had turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to him. At least until a couple of months ago…

Jack wanted more time this time. A proper lifetime… sixty years. Eighty. Humans lived longer, healthier lives… the average lifespan was almost a hundred and twenty years… at least in the heart of the Empire. Out on the margins, life was more dangerous, medical care less than perfect. But if they were careful, they could have so much more time this time.

He knew he'd hurt Kam's feelings when he refused his request to accompany him back out to the _Janus and Hestia. _He just didn't want to risk losing him out there. Not now. Not over _this._

Not over John.

It was ironic, really. For a hundred and sixty five years, he'd searched for anything that might lead him to the _Janus and Hestia…_ and when did he finally find it? A few months before he found Kam… or Kam found him.

Kam sighed in his sleep, mumbled something incoherent. Shifted. Jack tucked the covers back up around him.

He _didn't _know what he really believed, but earlier when the younger man had brought him that cup of coffee, it felt so… familiar. Everything about Kam felt familiar. It felt right. When he'd looked up to see him coming into his office just like he'd always done (he meaning Ianto Jones) the words just slipped out...

And without missing a beat, Kam came back at him with exactly the same response Ianto had always given him.

Of course it could be a coincidence. Everything could be coincidence. But it didn't feel like it. It felt… real. Right. Each day it felt a little more right.

Jack leant in and pressed his lips gently to the young pilot's forehead; as he straightened, he snagged the book that was tucked up under Kam's hand. They'd finished the Oz series and Kam was busy chewing through _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. _

He was certain that Ianto hadn't particularly cared for fantasy. Harry Potter of course; Jack didn't think there was a person who had been born in the late twentieth century who hadn't read J.K. Rowling. He highly doubted, however, that beyond school reading assignments, Ianto had ever gone in for C.S. Lewis…

Kam's eyes fluttered open. "Jack?"

"Hey," he stroked the young man's hair, favouring him with a warm smile. "Sorry I woke you."

"I don't mind," he pulled himself upright. He didn't remember exactly what he'd been dreaming about before he woke up, but he knew it involved the man sitting there now, looking at him with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. It involved him going away… Leaving him for someone older. Wiser. Someone who he had things in common with… someone who was his equal.

_Someone who wasn't a clingy little kid tagging along at his heels…_ he looked up, wondering what Jack actually saw him, why he'd kept him around this long. He was just … _a bedwarmer..._. but Jack could have his pick of bedwarmers.

"How… how's it coming? The ship's manifest, I mean," he asked, hoping to make himself seem less childish by asking about something he knew was important to the other man.

"I'm still going over the names. I just… I needed some coffee," he shrugged, feeling as if he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar before supper. He had needed more than coffee. He needed to see Kam, to know he was all right. But he hadn't meant to wake him up. "You should get back to sleep," he suggested in a soft tone.

Kam shook his head. "Why don't you let me make you a fresh pot?" he glanced at the clock. Anything left in the pot was sure to be stale by now.

"You don't have to..."

"I want to," he swung his feet to the floor; he pulled the shirt that Jack had abandoned earlier around his shoulders, casting a quick sidelong glance up at the older man. He didn't know why he always expected Jack to be upset when he 'stole' one of his shirts… but he never was. He always smiled. Kam liked that particular smile. It made him feel like he was the centre of the whole Universe.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?" he offered again, as he busied himself making a fresh pot of coffee. The first order of business was dumping the disgusting smelling sludge in the bottom of the pot. He couldn't believe Jack was actually going to drink that… no, he could believe it. He was just glad he'd gotten up to prevent it. Immortal or not, there were some things the human body should not be subjected to.

Jack smiled at the way the young pilot looked wearing his shirt… at the disdainful expression that crossed his face when he eyeballed the dark syrup in the bottom of the coffee pot. "There's not much you could do," he answered his question. He saw Kam's shoulders sag. "Honestly, Sweetheart, this is a one man job."

"I could keep you company," he offered, his tone hopeful. He didn't want to go back to an empty bed all alone.

Jack slipped up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him in close. "You could. But you should really get some more sleep," he pressed his lips to the younger man's neck in a soft kiss.

"It took me forever to fall asleep before," he admitted sheepishly, nibbling at his lower lip despite his best efforts not to. "I don't think I'm going to be getting back asleep any time soon, Cariad," he cast a quick glance backwards as he said the name. He was still unsure sometimes… but it was always well received. Jack smiled, pulled him just a little closer. Held him tighter.

Maybe he really was being silly, maybe it _would_ last…and maybe it wouldn't… There was no way to know for sure. No one could predict the future, the best he could do was to make the most of today… tomorrow.

And maybe if he kept doing that, if he could figure out all the things Jack liked, the things he wanted, maybe he wouldn't get bored. Kam knew he would never be his equal, but if he could just keep him satisfied… _Please, God… I love him so much. I just want to make him happy… can't that please be enough? Can't __**I**__ be enough? I mean… I'll share. If he wants me to share, I'll share, I'll do anything he wants me to. Just… I don't want to lose him._

But how could anyone be enough for someone like Jack? He would live forever…

_I know it sounds like a lot, but he's immortal and I just want a lifetime. Just __**one**__ lifetime. My lifetime… _he didn't care if there were other people in Jack's life, just as long as he always had a place there, too.

"Maybe you should go see Anna," Jack's voice broke through his thoughts.

Kam blinked, startled by the statement. But he probably meant he should go see Dr. Raynor for something to help him sleep. "I can get by on a couple of hours," he promised. Then he smiled, "Besides, it wouldn't be the first time you've kept me up all night, you know."

Jack chuckled, "I told you you could tell me to stop."

He turned in his arms, pressing a soft kiss to the older man's lips. "But I didn't want you to stop." He gave over a suggestive little smirk.

Jack kissed him back, but it wasn't soft. He wrapped one hand around Kam's waist, the other capturing the back of his head, fingers twining into his hair. His tongue demanding entrance into the younger man's mouth… he gave into it without hesitation. Without reservation.

"I love the way you do that," he murmured when Jack finally let him go.

Behind them the coffee pot sputtered.

They both laughed at the sound.

Kam fixed them each a cup of coffee, although he carefully diluted his own with a copious amount of warmed milk.

He handed his Captain his mug. "Just give me a second to put on a different shirt…" he began, determined to go back to Jack's office with him, even though the invitation hadn't exactly been explicate. It hadn't been issued at all.

He was smiling anyway. "What's wrong with the shirt you're wearing?" he queried, brows raised.

"With all due respect, I'm swimming in it."

Jack laughed so hard he almost spilled his coffee… it earned him a sharp glare that only made him laugh all the more. At moments like that he found it difficult _**not**_ to believe that the man who had claimed to love him more than anything had found some way back to him… some how… even though he knew it wasn't possible. _And yet what does anyone know about what is and isn't possible…?_ Jack wondered.

"Are you quite finished, Sir?"

Getting himself back under some semblance of control, Jack pulled him into another kiss… he had no idea how good the kiss made the doubt-riddled young man feel.

When Jack released him, he hurried into the bedroom to pull on a clean t-shirt and jeans. Maybe one small lifetime wasn't so far out of his reach, not if Jack kept kissing him like that…

…………………………………………………………

"So what are you looking for?" Kam asked when they got to the Captain's office. His desk was a mess of hand written notes.

"A needle in a haystack," was the dry response.

"A…what?"

"Sorry. Old Earth saying. It means I'm looking for one tiny piece of information in a huge stack of information… one man in six hundred men…" he explained, taking his seat. "I need to figure out which one of these crewmen was the man I knew." He cast a quick glance up at Kam; if he felt anything… hurt… jealousy… he was doing a good job of hiding it.

Kam settled into one of the two chairs opposite the desk. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked again.

"I… " he regarded the younger man a moment. Maybe there was something he could do... "I've been running the names I think might be him through the data base… John was like me, living out of his time."

"Was he…?" he bit his lip, remembering bits and pieces of his dream… Jack leaving him for someone older.

Jack brushed his fingers across Kam's lower lip to stop him from biting it. "He wasn't immortal. If he was really on that ship, he's… gone."

"I'm sorry," it seemed inadequate, especially in the wake of his selfishness, but it was all he had to offer.

"I've know for a hundred and sixty five years that he was probably dead, Kam. I guess… maybe I was hoping… but even if the _Janus and Hestia_ hadn't gotten lost… ended up out here…" he ended in a shrug. Even if the ship hadn't gone down, unless John had jumped through time again, he would be long dead.

He took a deep breath and let it out, watching the younger man carefully while he continued. "We were partners," he told him, because Kam deserved to know that much. "He's from the same time as me. We worked together," Jack said, not knowing how else to explain it without going into more detail about the Time Agency than he was prepared to. "But it was more than that."

"You loved him."

"A _long_ time ago," he admitted, searching Kam's face. He didn't find anything there except… understanding. Acceptance. He probably didn't understand, but he accepted what he was being told.

"Where can I start?" the young man asked in an earnest tone.

Jack flashed him with a tight lipped smile, grateful for the way he was willing to just… accept… so much. He passed over his notebook. "I was about to run that last name through the computer when I discovered I had an empty coffee cup," his smile warmed a little.

Kam returned it, taking the notebook from him and settling himself behind the computer terminal on the other side of the room. "What exactly should I look for?"

"That's the problem. I don't know. Anything… anything that might suggest he isn't who he says he is… or a picture." Some of the files had image ID's, others didn't.

Kam gave him a questioning look.

Jack used his wrist strap to bring up John's last message, freezing it before John actually started speaking.

"He was handsome," the younger man observed, his tone a little too neutral.

"He had his moments." He killed the image. "He would have been in his forties… but he might have been passing himself off as younger. John was always a little vain."

Had he been Ianto Jones, with all his memories and experiences, Kam would have had something to say about Jack's right to comment on another person's vanity… but as it was, he merely nodded and went to work without asking further questions.

Working in tandem made the rest of the list go considerably quicker. Jack looked over the names on the manifest, handing over the possible candidates to Kam. Kam went through the archives. He was fast. Efficient.

Jack supposed he really shouldn't be surprised. With each passing day, each little coincidence, he found himself believing a little bit more in the impossible.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated… I was REALLY sick this past week. I'm finally feeling human again.

Thank you as always to everybody who's reading/reviewing… and to who ever suggested my name to the **Children of Time Awards… WOW**. **Thank you!** I feel so incredibly flattered to even be considered.

So what do we all think of the announcement of Matt Smith for the Eleventh Doctor? I'm not at all familiar with him, but I looked him up on You Tube and he certainly seems to have an energy about him…

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

_With equal passion I have sought knowledge.  
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].  
I have wished to know why the stars shine._

Bertrand Russell (adapted) – excerpt con't.

* * *

Jack watched Kam watching him; the younger man was chewing at his lower lip.

In the last two hours they had narrowed the list of over six hundred names John might have been using down to eight. Of those eight crewmen, only five had cabins that were likely to still be in tact.

If John had been one of the other three, Jack knew may never know what had happened to his former partner.

But what Jack was thinking about was how much effort Kam had put into helping him. Not just referencing and cross referencing information (some of it in ways Jack would never have thought of doing himself), but making a fresh pot of coffee and rubbing tight hard knots out of Jack's shoulders when the fatigue became unbearable. Seeming to know just where those knots were… _seeming to know me better than I know myself… _

He smiled slightly as his gaze lingered over the young man's features. Just a few months ago, he would have said he was happy with his life the way it was. He would have been wrong. It had been a long time since he'd been happy.

He and Kam were waiting outside the airlock with Stasi, Tolbert and Weiss, who were preparing to go back out to the _Janus and Hestia; _Fielding and her team were just coming back on board. Doc Raynor was there to check on them. She didn't like that the crew was getting so little downtime between shifts out of the ship. The crew, however, had yet to complain.

Anneke Strickson, Lachlan McLean and Leah Ali were also on deck. Strickson was suiting up to go out with the Captain and not looking particularly happy about it. But as the Captain had reminded her, she was the one with the very good memory. She was also the only crewman available for the job – they were stretched so thin that McLean had been pulled away from the mess to help Leah unload scrap metal.

As much as Jack would have preferred to explore the _Janus and Hestia _alone, he knew that Smeed would have a fit if he even suggested it. After Stasi's team were deployed_, _he and Strickson would be dropped off at a site closer to the crew cabins, well on the other side of the wreck. Then the _Welshman _would return to the keep an eye on the salvage team. Jack and Ms Strickson would be alone in there and there were too many things that could go wrong in a situation like that for one person to go it alone, even a man who couldn't die.

The outer doors thunked shut behind Fielding, Garrison and Jennings. This was only the second job Jennings had ever had where he'd been asked to go outside the ship – well outside of his comfort zone. No one missed the looks he and McLean exchanged through the thick glass when he was safely back aboard the _Welshman_. Clearly they were both relieved he'd made it back in one piece (although for the most part, the job had been uneventful.)

Stasi and his team waited with obvious impatience while Fielding's team were blasted with decontaminants for ten full minutes. Once the computer was satisfied they were clean, the inner door slid open with a soft hiss admitting the team back into the ship.

"How's it looking out there?" the Captain asked Fielding, as soon as she was free of her helmet. He'd moved in to help her out of her suit; was only half in his own. McLean was helping Jennings, and Anna and Kam had Buddy; Strickson was double checking the gear for the team about to go out while Ali began unloading the scrapper. Jack felt a surge of pride at how well the crew seemed to be coming together. _Like a real team, _he mused.

"Couldn't be better, Sir," Fielding answered his question; she seemed to understand the look that crossed his face, too. Although she was clearly exhausted and drenched in sweat, she wore a satisfied grin. "One, maybe two more trips and we'll have the last of it. It's a good haul so far."

"Excellent," Jack mirrored her smile. He nodded at Stasi, but when he spoke, he was addressing Weiss and Tolbert and they all knew it. "You kids take it easy out there. You're going to be on your own for a while. I don't want anything happening to you when I'm not here to rescue you," he winked.

"More likely we'll be coming to pull _your_ butt out of the fire," Tolbert was quick to come back. "Sir," she added with a taunting smile.

Jack didn't miss a beat. "What's that… you want my butt?" he asked her with a lascivious grin.

"How many times do I have to ask you not to encourage him?" Kam couldn't help but groan.

Jack (and several others) laughed. But Jack's laugh was unreserved; he clearly could care less what anyone else thought of him or him and Kam together. Kam hoped someday he could be brave enough to laugh like that.

In short order the scrapper was unloaded and Stasi and his team were away from the _Welshman_; Jack signalled the bridge and Mr Chinball eased them slowly away from the _Janus and Hestia_. The manoeuvre was dangerous with crewmen right outside the ship – it also meant, as the Captain had pointed out, that at least temporarily the team would be on their own out there.

The _Welshman _would only be away long enough to drop the Captain and Ms Strickson on the other side of the wreck, then they would be back to the salvage site. The round trip wasn't expected to put the _Welshman _away from the salvage team for more than thirty minutes. But thirty minutes was a long time for something to go wrong.

If he were heading out by himself, Stasi would have wondered if the Captain had timed his little excursionintentionally… but he doubted Harkness would leave Tolbert and Weiss in the lurch (although he was sure any other Captain would have docked Tolbert at least a week's pay for insubordination over that crack she'd made. He really didn't understand the man.)

As the ship manoeuvred slowly around the _Janus and Hestia, _Jack stepped closer to Kam and brushed his fingers gently over the younger man's abused lower lip. "I'll be back in two hours, I promise," he kept his tone low. Gentle. "I want you to get some sleep."

"I…" he wanted to say that he would do what Jack said, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. "I'll try."

"Your shift starts in a few hours," Jack reminded him. He looked over at Anna Raynor. "Hey, Doc," he motioned her over, much to Fielding's relief. She was fine, she didn't need to go to the infirmary just because she was over heated, there a tonne of scrap metal to help unload _and_ she had to look at her suit and adjust the internal temperature controls and yes, she would drink some water just as soon as the doc stopped bugging her…

"Jack," Kam bit his lower lip again. "Captain," he corrected himself quickly, realizing belatedly that there were other crewmen standing right there. He felt the heat rise in his cheeks. He_ never_ called Jack by his first name in front of the rest of the crew, not even Mr Smeed. Not even when the door was closed. "Sir, really… I'm fine." He only hoped Jack wouldn't be mad at him for arguing in front of the crew -- for using his first name. For acting like a little kid. "I…I'm sorry, Sir," he stammered. "I didn't mean… that is… I'm sorry." He gave up.

But there was nothing in those gorgeous blue eyes to suggest anger. "That wasn't an order, it was a request and I'm only making it because I care about you," his Captain's tone remained soft. He seemed oblivious to the rest of the crew, just like when he'd laughed a minute ago, like he really didn't care what they thought of him. "And it's not coming from your Captain. It's coming from your friend," he cupped Kam's face gently in both hands. "You _need _to get some rest."

"What's the matter?" Anna queried politely, unable to get past the feeling that she was intruding on something special, something private, something she shouldn't be intruding on, even though the Captain had asked her to step over.

Kam swallowed. "I… haven't been sleeping too well this shift," he told her. "It's nothing."

"Why don't you come up to the infirmary and I'll get you something… ? Something mild, I promise," she said to the concerned look that flickered across the young pilot's face. "The Captain's right, you need to get a little sleep before your shift." She eyed the older man speculatively. He seemed satisfied even if Kam still looked doubtful.

Reluctantly, the young man nodded, however. "Just… let me see you off first?" he asked in the Captain's direction, his tone hopeful.

Jack's smile was all the answer he needed. "Although I prefer it when you're helping me out of my clothes," he added with a lascivious grin, his brows raised suggestively.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

_Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,  
But always pity brought me back to earth;  
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart  
Of children in famine, of victims tortured  
And of old people left helpless.  
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,  
And I too suffer._

_This has been my life; I found it worth living._

Bertrand Russell – adapted

* * *

"So why haven't you been sleeping?" Anna asked as she and Kam entered the infirmary. She made a point of closing the door behind them.

Instead of answering, Kam chewed at his lower lip some more.

"You've really got to stop doing that," she scolded gently, motioning him to have a seat on the exam table. Before doing anything else, Anna handed over some ointment for his lip.

"Thanks," Kam accepted it; he dutifully applied the foul smelling ointment. He had heard that people living at the Heart of the Empire had medicine that smelled nice… didn't taste horrible. People like that never had to go without anything. It seemed so unfair that so many good people were left out on the margins… not people like him, but people like Anna who seemed like she deserved so much more out of life. He didn't really know much about her, but he knew she was a real doctor. Or at least that she had been. He cleared his throat.

"Can… can I ask you a personal question?" he asked, avoiding eye contact.

"Sure," she pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the nervous looking young man.

"I… it's… I mean, it's personal, but I'm not really asking… that is… it's about me…"

Anna favoured him with a warm smile and reached out to put a hand lightly on his knee; she watched his body language carefully. She was always mindful of his past, always looking for signs of discomfort. He never seemed uncomfortable around her, however. She wasn't sure she could really remember him seeming uncomfortable around anyone except Avi Stasi, and that was justified. "You can ask me anything you what. Whatever it is, it's covered under doctor patient privilege, ok?"

"Ok," he only barely stopped himself from chewing on his lip again. The bitter tasting ointment was a good reminder that he probably shouldn't do it. "I just… I was… sold… into Service when I was just a kid and… I mean… you've been in a relationship, haven't you?"

"Yes," she answered in a careful tone. She had an idea where he might be going. Him and the Captain.

"Was… was it serious?"

"Very serious."

"What happened? I mean…" he flushed a deep shade of read. "I don't mean to pry or anything…"

"It's all right. It's ancient history," she hid her own discomfort over the subject matter much better than the young pilot sitting with his feet dangling off the edge of the exam table. "He… hurt me. Badly."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right. Like I said, it's ancient history. But I have the feeling my love life isn't what you really want to talk about. Am I right?"

"It's… me and…" _Jack…. _"Captain Harkness."

"Is something the matter?"

"No. I mean. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know anything, Anna. That's the problem. I was… I never… I mean… I've never had a…" _boyfriend… bedwarmer… _"I've never been in anything like this and Carsten says it's normal to feel all mixed up but it doesn't_ feel_ normal," his words were coming out in a rush. "I don't know what to do. I really love him, I'm just not sure…" he bit his lip despite the bitter ointment. Tears bit at his eyes.

Anna got up and moved over to the table to sit next to him. "I'm sure he feels the same way you."

He regarded her a moment, wondering if was just saying that to make him feel better. It seemed like it, but he didn't know who else to talk to. Carsten said the way he was feeling was normal, but Carsten was just a few years older than him. Even if he'd had a real life… Anna was older. Wiser. She had to be, she was a doctor. "Do you think… I mean… he's _so _much older than me…"

She nearly laughed, "Way to make a girl feel good about herself, kiddo."

"Huh?"

"Kam, Jack's what… thirty five? Forty? I'm thirty seven."

He swallowed. Of course. Anna had no idea how old Jack really was. No one did. No one ever could. "Yeah. I guess… when you put it like that…" he felt the heat returning to his cheeks. "I … I didn't mean to say I thought you were old. You're not."

She chuckled softly; it wasn't an unkind laugh. "It's ok. When I was your age, I thought forty was pretty old, too. And twenty years _is_ a big difference," she added honestly.

"Does it matter? I mean… twenty years….?" _Three thousand years_… he swallowed. There was no way anyone could ever understand. _He_ didn't understand himself. Why was someone like Jack bothering with him? Even the one area where he felt pretty confident about his abilities… in bed… Jack had done so much more than he had... than he ever _could_. "What happens when I stop being able to hold his interest?"

"Kam, when you love somebody, when they love you, you don't lose interest, you keep finding new things…"

"But I've never done anything and he's done so much! Pretty soon there won't be anything new about me," he choked back a sob. "What happens then?" _he breaks up with you, that's what…_

She decided to try a different tactic. "What do the two of you do when you're alone together… not _that_," she smiled at the way he was blushing. "Although I'm glad to know your sex life has… developed…?"

He nodded shyly. "Yeah. He… we… yeah." It was good. It was so good. Jack was _so_ attentive… "It's… developed. It's incredible."

"I'm glad. But what else do you do?"

Kam blinked at her a moment. "We read. Sometimes he reads to me, sometimes we each just read our own books. Sometimes we talk. He taught me to play basketball," he smiled. He liked playing basketball with Jack; he liked it even better when it was him and Jack against Roberta and Carsten. So far he and Jack were ahead, but only by two games.

"What do you talk about?" Anna's voice broke through his happy thoughts.

His smile deepened, he couldn't help himself. He loved to listen to Jack talk. "He tells the best stories… he's had all these adventures, been to all these wonderful places. He's done… he's done everything, Anna. He's been everywhere. He's so incredible." How could he ever hope to compare…?

"What do _you _talk about?"

He hesitated. He understood the question, he just wasn't sure why it mattered. He shrugged and let his gaze drift to the wall opposite them. "I… he knows… I mean, there's nothing I wouldn't tell him, honest… but he never really asks. But if he did… but I don't… you know. The Red House. It's not something I want to talk about with him, not unless he asks me. I'm not proud of… of my life. Before."

"That wasn't your fault," she told him in a firm tone. "None of it."

"I… I know."

"Good. Now, what _do_ you like to talk about?" she pressed the issue a little harder.

"I… I don't know… the things I'd like to do, I guess. I read a lot… as much as I can. I always have. It was… it was the only recreation I ever had. I love to read all kinds of books, not just fiction. There are so many places I'd like to see. I'm sure I never will… but before… all I ever had were… daydreams." He felt embarrassed. All the wonderful, exotic places Jack had been… all he had ever done was read about them. "I guess that's all I have to talk about. Daydreams," he said, feeling more miserable than ever.

"Does he listen to your daydreams?"

"More than anybody ever has," he said without hesitation. "I never had anybody seem to care so much about what I have to say." He pulled his feet up under him. "Before… back in the Red House… I mean, there were people I'd talk to sometimes, other Servers… but… you knew not to get close to anybody. You knew that at any moment they could be gone… you could be gone. Besides… they were only looking out for themselves. Me too," he added, ashamed.

"Kam, I cannot begin to imagine that life…"

He cut her off. "Do you know why I ran away?"

"I… assumed… I mean…"

He shook his head. "It wasn't just that. I did hate it. I never… I never thought I'd ever want to have sex, not if I ever had a choice…" he blushed. He had promised himself after he escaped that he would o anything he had to, to survive -- anything **_except_** get on his knees. On his back. He had managed to survive for almost six whole months without having to, too... but then Mr Smeed asked him to come aboard the ship so they could talk and he'd assumed... and he'd been so desperate, he hadn't eaten in days...he was willing to break his promise to himself... but all Smeed had wanted was to talk to him. Give him a meal. Offer him a contract. A real contract for a real job. He would have been willing to get on his knees for that... but he hadn't had to. At least not until he met his cabin mate... "Do you know why there aren't any old Service Providers?" he got back to his original question.

Her brows furrowed. "What?"

"I still had a few years, I know I'm good looking," only when he said it, his tone was full of shame, self loathing. "But… in another few years… there's no telling where I could have ended up, who I'd've been sold to. I… I didn't want… I didn't want to die like that, Anna."

She felt her jaw slack. She'd never thought about it…

"It's just the way things are. But I knew… I had to get out because all my life I've had these dreams… there was this man... this incredible man he was out here _waiting_ for me. Waiting for _**me. **_All I had to do was find him. And I know how that sounds, but I feel like… like it's real... like Jack is the man I was dreaming about my whole life and I'm so afraid because I don't want to lose him. I love him so much, but I'm afraid I will because I… I'm…"

"Shhhh," she wrapped her arms around him and let him cry. "You are… wonderful. You're brave and… and yes, you are beautiful," she shifted so he was looking at her and she could wipe the tears away from his cheeks. "That's nothing to be ashamed of Kam. But I'll tell you something. If Jack loves you… if he _really_ loves you… and I think he does… he wouldn't care _**what **_you looked like. Love doesn't look at the outside, it looks at the inside."

"But how can I know if he really loves me? How do you know?" Had he told her…? Oh, God, if he had… _oh please..._

"What does your heart tell you?"

Kam swallowed. It was too much to hope that Jack had told somebody… if he had that would make it real for sure… but he hadn't. He closed his eyes and answered her. "My heart tells me that I've never been so happy in all my life. That… that I could spend the rest of my life with him," he met her gaze again. "My heart tells me that I _want _to spend the rest of my life with him. When he holds me and tells me he loves me... I can't describe it, I just know that it's right. I know I don't have anything to compare it to, but I know… I just know… " he shrugged. She was probably going to tell him how stupid he sounded. "When he came back from being out on that other ship, he just… he looked right past me like I wasn't even there and it hurt _so_ much," he confided anyway, bracing himself for her scorn.

"It's… probably too soon to start talking about the rest of your life," Anna began cautiously, acutely aware of the younger man's sensitive state. "But you _should_ talk to him about the way you felt when he looked past you. Kam, he isn't going to know unless you tell him," she said to his fearful expression. "He can't read your mind. No matter how much he loves you… or you love him… you _have_ to tell him when he hurts you or he'll never know he's done something wrong."

"I don't want him to be mad at me."

"He'll be more upset if you don't tell him. At least… I would be, if it were me and my boyfriend didn't tell me I'd done something to hurt him."

He swallowed but the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. "Do you think… I mean… am I really… his boyfriend?"

"What else would you call it?"

"I… don't know."

"Talk to him, Kam. I don't know the Captain well, but… he seems like a good man…"

"He is."

"Then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Just… take it one step at a time, ok? No matter how right it feels… how right it is… take it a day at a time."

He nodded. "I keep trying to do that."

"Good." She slid down from the table. "You have a couple of hours before your shift starts. How about lying down here and taking a nap?"

"Here…?"

She shrugged. "I'm not expecting anything much to happen in the next few hours. Sometimes… sometimes it's nice not to be alone."

"Thank you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

_The Grand essentials of happiness are:  
something to do,  
something to love,  
and something to hope for._

Allan K. Chalmers

* * *

Anna stopped where she stood and smiled. In the few short minutes it had taken her to get a blanket from the supply cabinet, Kam had fallen asleep on the exam table, no sedative required. She tucked the blanket up around him and dimmed the lights before settling in at her desk.

She tapped a few buttons on her computer terminal to bring up the readings from the crew who were currently out of the ship; she had direct access to their vitals through their space suits. What had initially surprised her about the set up was that she could access the information directly from her own station in the infirmary. Typically, the medical officer on a ship like the _Welshman,_ a ship with a contract employees rather than a regular crew, would only have access to that kind of information on the bridge or some other designated area where the Captain or First Officer could watch everything she did. Ships' Captains were notoriously guarded about… well, everything.

For a while, with his reluctance to divulge the name of the vessel he was looking for, she had wondered if Harkness was as bad as the rest – if her initial reaction to him had been overly optimistic. But his reasons for not giving the crew that information was probably monetary. Most spacers stuck doing contract work were only loyal to the pay check and if someone promised them more money they wouldn't hesitate to betray their Captain. _God I hate this life… _except she _**didn't**_ hate being aboard the _Welshman _as much as she'd thought she would.

She slipped on her earpiece. "How's it going out there?" she inquired over an open channel to the salvage team.

"Just fine, Doc," Avi Stasi's voice came in over the static. She didn't have a visual connection to the crew, just audio and even that was bad. There was a lot of interference from both the planet and the sun beyond it; but so far so good. Radiation levels were acceptable. It looked like the only crewman who had had issues with her suit was Fielding; in the middle of her last shift, her suit's internal temperature had risen to nearly eighty degrees. She'd refused to come back early.

Smeed had, politely, refused to make it an order, even though Anna had insisted. But unless it was a medical emergency, emphasis on the emergency, she didn't have the authority to pull a crewman back to the ship.

She skimmed the rest of the read outs from the salvage team… accessed the main computers to double check external radiation readings… it all looked good. She only wished she had a line to the Captain and Ms Strickson. They were out of transmission range somewhere in the hulking wreck out there… Anna glanced back at Kam, but he was still sleeping soundly. So far the worst she'd had to deal with was when Roberta Tolbert had burned herself a couple of weeks ago in the engine room and her own case of heartburn when Jack insisted on cooking something he called his Galaxy Famous Chili… _but as Mom used to say, 'knock on wood.' _Hopefully the rest of the tour would pass as uneventfully.

The sound of her door sliding open drew her attention away from the computer screen. Jim Smeed stood on the threshold bearing a cup of coffee in each hand and a slightly pained, oddly hopeful expression. They had exchanged a few heated words over the situation with Fielding's suit… but she smiled now and nodded for him to come in. She was surprised by the little rush of warmth she felt when the pained look faded from his face leaving only a smile behind.

Anna nodded Kam's direction, pressing her finger to her lips.

Smeed closed the distance between them. "Peace offering?" he asked in a whisper, holding out one of the coffee cups.

Anna chuckled softly, switching her mic to off. She could still hear the salvage crew, but they wouldn't be able to hear her. "Coffee's the best you could come up with?" she inquired with a raised brow.

"Best I could do on short notice anyway. Maybe I'll try asking you out to dinner when we get back to Omega." He parked himself on the edge of her desk. "If you think you might want to have dinner with an old dog like me."

She chuckled a little more, cradling the cup in her hands a moment. "If you ask, I might say yes." She thought back to her talk with Kam. Twenty years separated him from Jack. About half that separated her from Jim Smeed… not that they'd done much more than share one another's company over cups of coffee…

"How're they doing out there?" he asked her.

"Everything's in the green."

"About earlier…"

She waved it aside, "You were doing your job. I respect that. I was doing mine."

"And I respect that, Anna. I respect you."

Her smiled warmed and she took a sip of the coffee. It was no where nearly as good as Kam's 'coffee magic', to quote the Captain, but it was better than passable.

"How's the kid?" Smeed surprised her by asking.

"I'd like to keep him here until he wakes up on his own but I have the feeling you're going to tell me you need him on the bridge in two hours, sleep or no sleep." Her grin made it clear she was only teasing him.

He shot her a rueful smile of his own. "One hour and thirty…seven… minutes," he told her eyeing the clock. "Unless you tell me he's honestly unfit…?"

She shook her head, trying to hide how startled she was by the question. He had sounded seroius. Most First Officers… Captains… would tell her to shoot Kam full of whatever she had to give him to get him on his feet and to his station, no excuses accepted. "He didn't sleep much this shift, but he should be ok."

Smeed merely nodded, seeming to understand.

They fell into companionable silence for a bit, both watching the steady readout from the salvage crew.

Eventually, Anna finished her coffee and leant back in her chair. "Jim… can… I ask you something?"

"Sure," he set his own empty mug next to hers. He'd finished his coffee a while back, but found himself not wanting to leave the infirmary. As long as things remained quiet out there, there was no real reason for him to stay on the bridge. Mr Chinball was a decent enough pilot… not nearly as good as young Mr Andes, but he could hold their position steady without the First Officer standing over his shoulder.

Anna pulled a stray strand of hair that had fallen free of her barrette and tugged at it, absently. The last thing she wanted to do was break Kam's confidence… but… "I gave Mr Andes some advice earlier. I just… I wanted to know if it was the right advice. Do… you mind…?"

"Not at all. Shoot."

"You've known the Captain a while…"

He let out of gruff little laugh, "Darned near thirty years."

"He must've just been a kid when you met," her tone clearly betrayed her surprise at the revelation. Of course she'd expected they'd been friends a long time, but not that long.

Silently, Jim cursed at his carelessness. Sometimes he got so comfortable around Anna that he forgot to mind what he said. "Yeah. Yeah, something like that."

"Wow… but… he's the Captain….?" She questioned. It would have made more sense to have it the other way around.

He just shrugged, "He's good at... how can I say this…? He dreams the dreams and lets me sweat the details." It was the best way he could come up with to describe their relationship.

"That doesn't sound fair."

"It might be if I didn't…" _love him_… "I'd follow that man to the ends of the Universe if he asked me to. Heck, he wouldn't even have to ask, I'd do it all on my own." Although the romantic love between them had died away a long time ago, what was left in its place was something deeper, something he treasured much more. "It's like I said before, if you're ever in a hopeless situation, Jack Harkness is the one man you want standing by your side. He's the one person who won't ever give up on you."

"Do you mind if I ask… the two of you…?" she eyed him speculatively. If they'd been lovers, it would explain the loyalty Jim felt for the Captain.

He nodded. "It didn't last," he said. "We're much better at being friends than we ever were as lovers," he added, maybe a little too quickly. As much as he was interested in Anna, he continually found himself unsure how to make the first move… unsure if she wanted him to make the kind of move that would push them past the growing friendship they seemed to both be enjoying.

He knew a lady didn't get to be a doctor… didn't get to be not a doctor anymore… without something bad happening. As much as she seemed to welcome his company whenever he came to the infirmary, he was sure she never fully let down her guard.

"I guess with his reputation, I shouldn't be surprised," she replied, breaking eye contact with him.

Her words… her tone… stung. "Anna… Jackie... this is about Mr Anders, right?" he decided to take the conversation away from him and Jack, at least for the moment.

She nodded, but just barely. She _didn't _want to break Kam's confidence, she just wanted to know she'd given him the right advice when she told him to talk to Jack about the things that were bothering him.

It should have been the right advice… but no matter what Kam thought, she wasn't very wise when it came to relationships. She'd tended to shy away from them after her fiancé. After all, he was the man she thought she knew better than anyone. The man she thought she loved more than anyone. She had thought she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

He had betrayed more than just her trust when he turned her in. He had betrayed her core convictions. In some ways that was worse than the personal betrayal. It had taught her what human nature was really like. It had taught her that she couldn't trust anyone, ever.

After that she didn't let anyone get close enough to hurt her, not even friends. It wasn't just that her life depended on it; she didn't trust people. Not any more.

What she had said to Jack was true, she'd expected to hide out in the infirmary and dispense plasters and aspirin. She'd hoped come out of her stint on the _Welshman _with a little cash she could use to get herself settled somewhere quiet, maybe some little backwater colony, some place where they wouldn't ask a lot of questions, where the Empire would never come looking for her.

But then there was Jack Harkness, a man she had yet to figure out but who couldn't help but like.

There was Kam Anders, a child who had been through more than she could imagine, even after the things she'd seen already. It seemed like no matter how bad things were, they could always get worse… And yet after everything he must have been through, Kam was still able to trust… to love… it made her wonder of there wasn't hope for the rest of the Universe after all.

She hadn't expected to care about anyone aboard the _Welshman… _but glancing up at Jim Smeed, she realized she did care. Maybe too much…

"Let me tell you something that I hope will help with whatever it is it looks like you're wrestling with, Anna," Jim's voice brought her out of her thoughts.

She nodded to indicate that she was listening.

"When Jackie brought that boy back to the ship after… well… I assume you know more or less what happened on Omega. And… I love Jack, but I know him. I love him even though I know him," he told her honestly. "So when he brought Mr Anders back here, I told him let it go, for both their sakes. Anders has been through enough and Jack's got the attention span of a gnat when it comes to bed partners. The last person to actually occupy his bed… to live with him… was me." He surprised himself with his candour on the subject. "It wasn't easy watching him move on," _Watching him stay young and handsome while I keep on getting older… _

"Do you mind if I ask how long you two…?"

"A year. Maybe two," he shrugged. It had been a long time ago and with the way things had gone, it was hard to pin down exactly when they'd gone from being lovers to being friends who occasionally shagged to being just friends.

"For a lot of people two years is pretty serious." She picked up her cup but realized it was empty. She cradled the empty cup in her hands, lost between the present… the past.

"I s'pose it is. But what I was getting at was that when Jackie brought him back on board and I said what I did, he told me that I could either support the two of them or find myself another ship to call home."

Anna looked up at him, startled by he revelation not only for what it meant for Kam… she hoped… but for what it must have meant for the man sitting on the edge of her desk, to have his friend of thirty years, his former lover, level that kind of ultimatum. It made her wonder all the more about what made Jack Harkness tick. "That was awfully harsh, don't you think?"

Jim seemed unfazed by it. "His ship, his rules," he said simply. "Besides, whatever it is between those two… it's the real thing. Believe me, I've been with Jack through a lot and it's never been like this. So whatever advice you gave Mr Anders," he glanced back at the soundly sleeping boy, "as long as it doesn't involve him jumping ship as soon as we get back to civilization, I'm sure it was the right advice."

"If anything, I think Kam's afraid…" she shook her head. It wasn't her place…But she could see the understanding in Jim's eyes anyway. He'd probably felt the same way Kam was feeling at least once or twice… "He really loves him, doesn't he?"

"Yeah."

"Does that bother you… I mean… you know… since you two...?"

He laughed… he quickly quieted it. "We haven't been involved like that for years. We've each had our fair share of lovers since, too… although I don't think I've had quite as many as he has," he added with a smirk. He didn't think anybody had had as many lovers as Jack. "Anyway… I couldn't get him to pick up his dirty socks for me… _now_ he's gone and got himself a proper clothes hamper and everything."

She chuckled. Then, "So… you and Jack… does that mean you… prefer men?" she found herself asking, her tone shy, stomach quivering a little. Really, it would be easier if he said he did…

Jim's smile told a very different story, however. "I never said _that_, Anna."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

_~ There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere. ~_

Jane Austen

* * *

Anneke Strickson swallowed hard, but the cold lump in her throat refused to go away.

"Nervous?" the Captain's voice came over the com; they'd been prowling around the _Janus and Hestia _for almost an hour, moving deeper and deeper into the derelict ship.

Anneke checked her O2 gauge. She had eighty nine minutes left in her pack. The Captain would have about the same.

"Talk to me, Crewman," Harkness ordered; his tone was firm… gruff.

She swallowed again. "I'm fine, Sir," she lied.

In addition to the usual field gear – patch kits, tools, handheld lights and whatever the Captain had in his bag – they were both carrying extra O2 packs, two and a half hours' worth each. None of it made her feel any better about being out of communications range of the _Bonnie Welshman_. If anything went wrong, they were on their own. If they got lost in the bowels of the wreck or if anything happened to the _Welshman…_

"You sure you're ok?" the Captain asked again.

"No," she admitted. She felt foolish, but she couldn't help herself. The feeling was made worse by the soft laugh she heard come over the com.

"Afraid of ghosts?" he teased.

"I was taught that it was bad luck to steal from the dead, Sir." Bad things happened to people who robbed corpses. Not that there were any actual corpses… but every time a shadow seemed to move she could feel the eyes of the dead on her. She knew she was just being superstitious, but she couldn't help it.

"What did you expect? The _Welshman _is a salvage and scavenge vessel, Miss Strickson."

"I… I guess I didn't really think about it."

"Lured by the paycheck, eh, Sailor?" Jack paid a fair wage and he knew it. The work was risky; there had been more than one trip out when he'd come back with fewer men and women than he'd left port with. He hoped that this wouldn't be one of those trips… he turned so he could see the face of the young woman walking next to him.

"It wasn't the pay out, Sir," she told him honestly.

"Must've been my devastatingly good looks then," he grinned at her.

She flushed a deep shade of pink. "I… really hadn't noticed, Sir. Sorry."

"I'm wounded," he did a good job of sounding it, too, although it was clear by her expression that she didn't believe him.

He just smirked. "By the way, the Universe won't grind to a halt if you call me 'Jack', you know," he told her.

Anneke almost stumbled. It had nothing to do with the bent and twisted metal under her feet.

He caught her, "Easy there."

"I'm ok." _I think…_

They came to another debris jammed corridor. At times like this he would have traded in nearly every alien device he'd collected over the years for one sonic blaster… But maybe the Doctor was right. Jack had noticed that as he'd grown older and he'd become more and more abhorrent of violence and the things that made violence more destructive. Guns. Bombs.

_Besides, bananas __**are**__ good…_ he smiled to himself.

Anneke's voice jarred him out of his reverie. "If you don't mind my saying so… Jack… you seem to be going somewhere."

He gave over another wry, typical Jack Harkness grin. "Gotta be going somewhere. The alternative's pretty boring, don't you think?"

She wondered if he was being difficult on purpose or if this was just another one of his annoying personality traits. He seemed to have quite a few. "What I meant was, you seem to have a specific destination in mind."

He chuckled and retrieved the handheld scanner from his bag. The technology itself was current, but he'd tweaked it a bit. "There's no way to get through this way… but there should be a maintenance hatch around here somewhere. We can use the service tubes to get around that mess. The debris clears up again in about fifty metres."

"You're not going to tell me what you're looking for, are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"I suppose not. The hatch should be over here," she said. He had a point. It didn't matter what he was really looking for; it wasn't any of her business. She found the hatch. "I'm not sure how you're planning on opening it."

"Well… if you ask real nice, I might let you play with my favourite tool," his brows shot up suggestively. Before she could begin collecting her wits enough to speak, he handed over another device from his pack.

Anneke blushed. It was definitely phallic shaped… not anatomically so, but it was long and cylindrical and given his expression… "What am I supposed to do with this?" she asked.

His broadening grin spoke volumes about what could be done with the device… but he surprised her by explaining in a patient tone that all she had to do was point it at the hatch and press down on a small, nearly hidden button.

When she did, the hatch popped open, just a crack. "What is this thing?" she wanted to know. There wasn't any power left in the ship; all of the systems were long dead… except for that miracle he'd pulled off with the computers the first time out. And now this.

"It's a modified version of a sonic screwdriver," he explained with some pride. It wasn't anywhere near as impressive as the Doctor's of course, but after getting a chance to examine Sarah Jane's sonic lipstick once, a very long time ago, Jack had devised his own little sonic lock-pick.

"A… what? Who'd want to make a _screwdriver_ sonic?" Anneke's reaction reminded him so much of his own that he couldn't help laughing.

"Someone who had a lot of shelves to put up, I suppose," he repeated the Doctor's answer. He took it back from her and pried the door the rest of the way open. "Ladies first." He gestured towards the open hatch… the darkness beyond.

"Gee, thanks."

"Relax, we're the only living things on this ship and there's no such thing as ghosts… unless you're just trying to get me to go first so you can check out my butt. If that's the case…"

Anneke groaned and shimmied into the small hole. The service tubes were cramped, crawling room only, but at least this section didn't seem to have suffered any major damage. However, even with the lights from her helmet on full strength, she could only a few metres into the darkness… she couldn't shake the feeling that at any moment she was going to come across with something nasty…grisly. Gross.

"You're doing' fine," Jack's voice made her jump. It was calming at the same time, though. If not for the Captain's voice, she would have felt like she was all alone with the darkness.

"Just keep talking to me, Anneke," he said patiently, following her through the hatch.

"What would you like to talk about?" she couldn't help but ask. Harkness was a strange, strange man…

"I don't know. What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?"

"How many metres did you say?" she asked, instead of answering his question.

"About fifty. That should be… what, two markers?"

She nodded, then realized it was a stupid thing to do; he couldn't see her. "Yeah. That should be right." She continued plodding forwards on her hands and knees hoping nothing jumped out of the darkness at her.

"You didn't answer my question," Jack reminded her a few moments later.

"I really don't see how ice cream is relevant to anything, Sir."

"So we're back to Sir, now are we? Was it something I said?"

She didn't know quite how to answer that. Her father had always said that the best way to tell if somebody liked you was if they could name your favourite flavour of ice cream… but it could be that the Captain… Jack… was only trying to make conversation. As bizarre as his choice of topic seemed to her, it most likely innocuous. She hoped. "Jack, then. And it's pistachio."

"You like nuts," his grin was audible. "I'll have to remember that." He knew the conversation was annoying his young companion, but that was the point. He wanted to give her something to think about besides all the things that could go wrong. Or ghosts… not that there was any such thing. He knew there was something about the dark that gave most people pause to wonder… to be afraid. When people were afraid, whether the fear was rational or not, they made mistakes.

"What about you?" she surprised him (and herself) by asking.

"I love nuts. Of course I like other things too," he added.

Anneke didn't have to see his face to know that he was wearing a Cheshire grin. She felt her cheeks grow hot. "I… didn't mean… that is… ice cream. I was asking about ice cream."

He laughed; she realized he'd been well aware of what she was really asking all along.

"It's strawberry," he told her.

"Somehow I would have expected something more… exotic."

His chuckle was warm… it made her wonder… he seemed ok most of the time… at least when he wasn't coming onto her…

"We're at the second marker," she said, glad to have something else to think about. "The hatch should be just ahead."

"Here," he slid the screwdriver up to her.

It took her a minute… she wasn't as strong as the Captain… but she got the door open and peered out into the corridor. "All clear."

Jack followed her down out of the service hatch.

Deciding that it was now or never, especially since he was the one who had initiated personal inquiries like favourite flavours of ice cream, Anneke asked the Captain if she could ask him a question.

"I might even answer," he said with another one of those wide, wry grins.

"It's about Mr Anders."

"All right," he replied, his tone becoming cautious. He consulted the data pad… the cabin he wanted was just ahead.

"I heard that… I mean… that is… I heard he used to be a… he was in a Red House," her words came out in a stumbling rush. "That he was a cyprian…"

"He _was_," the Captain cut her off. His tone was frigid.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean… I was just… wondering. About that."

"About _what_, precisely?"

Anneke cleared her throat. "Just… just whether or not it was true. The rumour going around Omega was that he was a… you know…" she stammered. Of course he knew what Mr Anders used to be. "It's just that I know how rumours sometimes get blown out of proportion and I always thought people like that were marked or something."

Jack counted silently to five and reminded himself that Anneke Strickson was a year younger than Kam, that she'd lived her entire life out in the margins, on a salvage vessel like his _Welshman_. Chances were she'd never seen a cyprian before… never been anywhere near a Red House. She couldn't possibly begin to understand what it had been like for Kam. What it was still like. "We had the tattoos removed," he answered as simply as he could.

"Oh. I just heard…" she paused. "I just heard some stuff." She was regretting having brought it up.

"Stuff?" Jack inquired.

She cleared her throat, her discomfort growing. After returning from her first trip out to the _Janus and Hestia_ with the Captain… after watching he and Kam Anders interact… she'd asked questions of some of the rest of the crew.

Buddy Garrison was no help at all. He took everything at face value and only seemed to see the good in people. She didn't bother talking to Fielding, of course. Fielding didn't like her and she knew it. But then she'd found An Cho having a cup of coffee in the mess and figured since Cho worked on the bridge with Harkness and Anders…

"Just... stuff. It's probably not even true."

"What _exactly_ have you heard, Miss Strickson?" he wanted to know. It didn't sound like a request, either.

"I just heard that… that Anders…that he… belonged… to you. Sir." She felt a sudden wave of shame overtake her. When she said it aloud it sounded so wrong.

Jack felt his jaw muscles twitch. "Mr Anders doesn't _belong _to anybody. What he does when he's off duty is his _**choice**_. Is that perfectly clear?"

"Yes, Sir. Crystal clear." She was sure she'd never seen anyone as angry as the Captain seemed then. It only confused her more. "But… you're always coming on to me… I just thought…" she had thought that if Mr Anders wasn't really his boyfriend if he… the thought of anyone 'belonging' to somebody else made her stomach churn. But if that was the case it would at least explain why the Captain could seem so callous towards Mr Anders sometimes, why he thought it was all right to come on to her... other members of the crew.

"I apologize if I've been out of line, Ms Strickson," Harkness said in a tone that rivalled the vacuum of space for its coldness. "I can assure you it _**won't**_ happen again."

"Sir…I…"

"End of discussion, Crewman," he cut her off. "Except… I would appreciate it if you didn't bring any of this up with Mr Anders."

"Why? I mean…" if he cared about Anders enough to get this upset…

When the Captain turned and looked at her, she saw equal measures of bewilderment and anger in his expression. "Because I don't want Kam feeling like he has to _defend_ himself for having been humiliated, brutalized and **_raped_ **for the last seven years of his life!" His fury was only barley contained.

"I… I'm truly, sorry, Sir. Very truly sorry."

The only acknowledgement she got for her apology was curt nod. He turned and went back to work.

………………………………………………………..………..

Almost two hours later, they came to the fourth cabin. Forty five minutes of that had been spent getting from the section that housed the first three cabins to the section they were currently weaving their way through.

Jack's earlier estimation about accessibility was starting to seem overly optimistic. He began to fear that the entire excursion would end up being nothing but waste of time and resources, despite the valuable goodies they'd managed to plunder along the way. Although the haul would likely fetch a good price once they got back to civilization, it _wasn't _what he was looking for.

There had been no more friendly chit chat between himself and Ms Strickson. Jack knew giving her the cold shoulder over something as stupid as an assumption based on something someone _else_ had said was childish, but it rankled him that people still thought that Kam was… for sale. That members of his _crew_ could think it. Wasn't it obvious to them that he was a damned good pilot? Or did they think he was just keeping him on the bridge as a decorative piece?

Not that he minded the view…the company. Nothing had felt so right in so long… And he acknowledged that he _had_ assigned Kam to his shift so he could keep an eye on him, back before things came to a head with Fletcher. He'd wanted to keep Kam safe, to protect him from whatever was happening… _but I guess I'll never be able to keep him safe from what people think…._

Kam had done so much to prove himself to his crewmates. He was always willing to pull extra hours, help out wherever he asked to… always on time for his shift… he never asked for any favours from anyone. Sometimes Jack thought he worked twice as hard as the rest of the crew, just so they wouldn't think he was taking advantage of the fact that he shared the Captain's cabin.

He only hoped Kam hadn't heard the same rumour Strickson had. It would devastate the younger man to know that there were still members of the _Welshman's _crew capable of thinking things like that… _and so help me if it's Avi Stasi…_ he didn't know what he would do, but it wouldn't be pleasant, at least not for Mr Stasi.

Even as he stewed, Jack kept an eye on Strickson; as angry as he was, he had no intention of losing her out there. He stole a quick glance at his data pad and the schematic of the ship. "It's this one," he said stopping in front of what was left of the corridor's sixth cabin. There was no need to dig into his pack; a metal beam had pierced the cabin wall, leaving a gaping hole large enough for him to walk through. Jack didn't hold out much hope of finding anything… "Careful," he warned his companion. "That metal looks jagged."

"Yes, Sir." She still wasn't sure he'd be too quick to help her if she found herself jammed up out there. But she followed the Captain into the cabin anyway. There wasn't much else she could do.

An had said that sometimes cyprians got sold into private service, especially when they got older, if they were pretty, like Mr Anders. Twenty, twenty five… that was as old as anyone was ever allowed to get in the Red Houses. Anneke didn't want to think about what happened to the cyprians who weren't sold into private service.

She didn't want to think about what would have happened to her if she hadn't been able to convince the _Tigreah's_ Captain that she could be a valuable member of his crew, even at only thirteen years old… when her father died…

She swept her light around the room, inadvertently creating eerie shadows against the walls…

Under the heavy gloves and protective space suit, Jack's wrist strap started to beep. It was a proximity warning. John… or at least his vortex manipulator… was somewhere in _this_ cabin.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

"_As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven,  
it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape."_

**John Lancaster Spalding**

* * *

"Sir?" Strickson asked; as soon as the Captain pried open the wall panel, the beeping she'd been hearing over the com stopped. Over the last few minutes it had increased in pitch and speed… now there was only silence again. "Captain Harkness_… Sir?"_

He waved her inquiry aside. Tucked carefully into the hidden compartment was a familiar object… a box… It was made of stone… some alien mineral, something hadn't encountered before or since. One could tell by looking that the box was old. Very, very old. Carbon testing had been inconclusive at best. He remembered Abby puzzling over it for… days? Weeks? Neither she or Mickey had ever been able to make heads or tails of the alien writing that covered it… was it a warning? Instructions for use? He still didn't know.

……………………………………………………_._

_All he saw when the cog door rolled aside was Ianto sitting on the floor of the Hub – it was dark. He was staring off into space, tears streaming down his cheeks. The box lay open next to him. Jack knew what had happened…_

"_Ianto?" he asked cautiously. _

_The younger man turned to face him. His voice was a hoarse whisper, "You left me…" he wept; his tone was anguished… accusatory… The pain in those beautiful grey blue eyes was enough to rip his partner's heart… his soul… in two. "You left me!" he sobbed, his whole body shaking with audible… palpable… pain._

"_No. I haven't left you. I'm here. I'm __**right**__ here, and I'm not going anywhere," he knelt down and pulled him in close, refusing to let go even when Ianto struggled to get free. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."_

_Ianto just continued to shake. To cry. To fight. "You said you'd always love me… you said wouldn't forget me… but you left me, Jack! You left me and… and I've never been so… lost…Why? Why did you leave?"_

"_I __**didn't**__ leave. I haven't forgotten you… I'll never forget you. I love you." _Please believe me… **please**…

_Ianto stopped fighting. He looked at the older man as if seeing him for the first time. "You left me," he repeated, his voice a pained whimper. "You… you died… you didn't love me… you died and you left me and I didn't know why, I just knew you were gone…" _

"_Shhhhh…." Jack cradled his body. Held him tight. Stroked his face, wiping away the tears that just kept falling. "I can't die, remember?"_

"_But Jack, you did die, I saw it," he insisted, sounding frighteningly rational. " I… I __**watched **__you die. I saw them hit you…I screamed out your name and you didn't move. You just…laid there. Bleeding. Not breating. You were dead. I didn't know…I didn't know you couldn't die," he choked, sobbing again. "You left me… but… somehow… I knew… I knew you weren't really gone. I know that doesn't make sense," he added, some vague bit of his usual rationality coming through again. His gaze drifted down to his hands as if he was looking at some stranger's hands. His tone became hollow. "You were never going to come back to me. Somehow I __**knew**__ you were never going to come back to me. Henry told me…"_

"_Henry?"_

_He nodded. "He told me you'd be back… he… he was acting so strangely," he looked up at Jack again with fear haunted eyes. "It was like he didn't know me. He tried to tell me that you'd be back but… I couldn't…I couldn't live without you." He crumbled in Jack's arms, sobbing once more. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cariad… I didn't mean to be so weak but I couldn't… I just couldn't… I'd only just found you and then you were gone and… and I didn't know how to live without you. Please forgive me… Jack… please…"_

"_Shhhh…"_

"_**Please!"**_

"_I forgive you, all right. It's ok. Whatever happened… it's ok. I love you. I'm right here. I forgive you." He held him tight, feeling helpless... understanding exactly what the younger man was saying. What he wasn't saying. What he thought he'd done… _

_But that __**wasn't**__ Ianto... not __**his**__ Ianto. Maybe it was Ianto in some other reality… some other future, but it wasn't really him, it couldn't be. It **wouldn't **be… "Sweetheart, talk to me. Tell me what happened," Jack coaxed, hoping that if he could get his partner talking, he would realize it wasn't real. It was only one possibility... one future. It wasn't even that, because he would __**never**__ leave. "Tell me what you saw. Tell me about Henry," he suggested. _

"_I made a mess of his bathroom," he confessed, his voice little more than a soft wimper. "Oh, God, how could I have done something like that to him? I know what blood does to him..."_

_"I'm sure he forgave you."_

_He nodded. He thought so too, it just didn't make any sense. None of it made any sense._

_"Tell me what happened before that."_

_"It was… it was all this great big muddle… it was like… like watching somebody else's life… but I was watching it through my own eyes. You… you and me… we were together. I… I remember feeling so happy," he smiled a heartbreakingly real smile. "For the first time in my life I had something… real. Just like now," he added, looking at Jack full in the face. "It was just like it is now. I've never been so happy… if you left…" tears trickled down his cheeks again._

"_I'm not leaving you, Sweetheart. I promise. I love you. I will __**always**__ love you._

_Ianto nodded. He was still shaking. "I… I saw you die and I… I remember thinking that someday the stars would all go out and then it would be all right. I… I couldn't… I was so weak. I'm so sorry… I just wanted the stars to go out for me too." _

"_It wasn't real."_

"_But it was. It could be. It might have been…" he chewed at his lower lip. "It really could have been…"_

"_Ianto…"_

"_You left me once. You… you didn't have to come back."_

"_But I did come back. I came back for you. I will __**always **__come back for you."_

"_It wasn't just for me. Gwen…"_

"_Please don't go there."_

"_Tell me the truth, Jack. I need to hear it. We might have ended up differently... if you hadn't come back… if I… if I hadn't… if Gwen… if her and Rhys…" if they hadn't gotten engaged… if Gwen had told Rhys about Owen and then __**not **__retconned him and Rhys had broken up with her… if Jack had pushed her just a little harder… so many things could have gone so wrong. "Please tell me the truth, Cariad. I need to hear it."_

"_Yes. All right. __**Yes.**__ If any one thing had happened differently… Gwen… or… or if I'd gone with the Doctor…" if anything had happened to Martha durning that year that never was...if she'd died... if they'd failed... if he had never met the Doctor in the first place... if the Doctor hadn't met Rose... there were so many variables... "We would have ended up differently. We… we might not be…" he held onto the younger man's hands, running his thumb over the ring on his finger. "But here we are. This is what's real. Everything that happened… it happened. And you and me... we're together."_

"_Do you ever wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently?"_

"_Please don't do this…"_

"_Jack…" he pleaded. "I need to know. Do you **ever** wonder…?"_

"_No. Never. Not once. And do you know why?"_

_He shook his head._

"_Because I don't want to imagine my life any other way than the way it is. You make my life worth living…" he choked down his own sob, because knew that someday he would bury his Welshman. _

_Someday he would leave Cardiff… leave Earth. Someday this would be nothing a dim memory and he never wanted to forget how happy he was… _

_Ianto clung to him. He held on tight… they both did. Finally he got him up… got him home. Put him in bed… but the nightmares lasted for months afterwards._

……………………………………………………_._

Jack pulled the box out carefully; John's wrist strap was tucked up behind it. He retrieved it as well.

As soon as he touched it, John's image sprang out of it in front of him, as large as life. He looked older than Jack remembered… his hair line seemed to have receded a bit… there were laugh lines around his eyes. "Well. If you're seeing this... I'm… right," John smiled at him; it seemed a forced effort. "I never was one for long goodbyes, so let's keep this short, shall we? You've no doubt found your box. I'm sure the old organization will be happy to have it back. I still think you should have gone with Bikini Cops," his laugh was genuine. "Imagine it. The Great and Bountiful Human Empire afraid of the Bikini Cops. Wouldn't that be good for a laugh?" In the recording's background, Jack heard an explosion. "Oh dear, I think that's my cue. Exit stage left and all that. I'd say I'll see you on the other side… but…well, you know. I still think you could make a killing with that act of yours in the Vegas galaxy. No pun intended," he smirked. Then his tone became sober. "I love you, Jack. I always will. Not that I'm sure 'always' counts for a whole lot right now, but the sentiment's there. I hope it counts for something. I really never wanted you to hate me. Take care of yourself."

The image winked out leaving Jack standing there staring at the place it had been… the place where John had last stood. Why had he chosen to die here? He could have hopped out… Jack checked the vortex manipulator more closely. As far as he could tell, it should still work… why did John die here, on this ship, a hundred and sixty some years ago?

He had his closure, John was gone… he had to be… but it wasn't enough. He wanted to know why.

When the image blinked out of existence, Strickson was left staring in disbelief. It was as if the message had been left specifically for the Captain… but the _Janus and Hestia_ had left port nearly two hundred years ago… how could anyone know he'd be here… "Captain…? Sir?"

Her voice over the com seemed to startle him. "I don't think I have to tell you that you didn't see anything, Crewman," his tone was frigid.

She swallowed but the lump of cold fear remained. There had been an edge of unmistakably real menace in his voice just then. It made her remember that this was the man who had allegedly killed two men on Omega... "Of course not, Sir. But…"

He shook his head. "Whatever you _think_ you saw or heard… you didn't."

"Yes, Sir. Is… are we done. I mean… this is what you were looking for, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we're done."


	14. Chapter 14

**Hopefully this chapter will answer a few questions… thank you again for all the amazing reviews this has gotten. **

**The answer to one of the questions I've gotten is yes, the box is from another of my stories... I just never got around to fully writing it. I'm using my notes and partially written scenes for flash back stuff.**

**Tonight is my first class of the new semester… hopefully I won't be bogged down with homework for the next 15 weeks!**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

_We must accept finite disappointment __  
but we must never give up infinite hope._

Martin Luther King Jr.

* * *

Jack was barely free of his suit when he pulled Kam into his arms, heedless of glances from the crewmen who had met them at the airlock… Smeed. Stasi. Garrison. Anna. He didn't notice Garrison's slight smile… the way Stasi looked away… Anna and Smeed doing their best not to intrude. Strickson's embarrassed grimace.

He passed his pack over to his First Officer, then turned back to Kam. He hadn't noticed the way the young pilot had been forcing himself to hang back at first any more than he'd noticed the way Kam had been hurt the first time he came back from the _Janus and Hestia_. Jack pressed his lips to the younger man's forehead; he did feel the way Kam sagged against him, just a little. _Nothing_ had felt so right in so long…

"Are… you all right?" Kam asked him. He was startled by the sudden demonstration of affection. It wasn't unwelcome… after the last twelve hours it was more welcome than he thought Jack could ever know… he just hadn't expected it. _But maybe it means everything is really going to be ok._

"I am now," the Captain assured him. Between his conversation with Strickson and the empty, hollow feeling the certainty of John's death had left him with, he was happier than ever to be back aboard his own ship.

"Sir…" Anna's voice drew his attention. "I'd like to see both you and Strickson in the infirmary as soon as possible…"

He waved it aside. "I'm fine, Doc."

"Sir, with all due respect, you were out there for almost four hours. It's standard protocol…"

He shook his head, effectively ending the conversation. "Go ahead though," he added in Anneke Strickson's direction.

"Sir…" the young woman hesitated… then she thought better of it and nodded. "Yes, Sir," she said in a crisp tone before heading off to the infirmary with an unhappy Dr Raynor.

It was more than just having been breathing packaged oxygen for the last four hours, spacework took a psychological toll on a person… but at every turn, Harkness dodged getting close to her infirmary save for social calls… Anna decided that it was time to have a word with Jim Smeed…

Jack cast a quick glance at Avi Stasi as he and Buddy stowed away the suits; there was nothing in Stasi's demeanour to suggest he was the source of Strickson's rumour. There was nothing in the way Kam was acting to suggest there had been any more problems between them, either. He would worry about that later, he supposed, snugging his arm tight around his young pilot's waist.

Jack turned to his First Officer. "Think you can spare Mr. Anders for a few minutes?" he queried with an unintentional smirk.

Smeed gave him a look that made Jack laugh. He was aware that Kam was blushing as well… he turned to face the younger man, his smile softening. "I was hoping to talk you into making me a pot of that coffee of yours is all, Crewman. I have a lot of work to do in my office. I could use the caffeine." He wasn't aware of the way he was making that sound, but he did suddenly find himself remembering all the times he and Ianto had been working in his office, when no one wanted to believe that they were really going over the financial reports...

Something about Kam's expression, however, told Jack he understood perfectly. Jack had this way of saying things that made the most innocent request sound scandalous but that didn't mean he meant them that way. "You're going to have to let me go if you want me get that coffee for you, Sir," he pointed out, his tone deadpan.

It made Jack laugh harder. "All right. See in… ten?"

Kam stole a quick kiss from the older man's lips. "Ten minutes it is, Sir." He managed not to blush; his own boldness had surprised him, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The Captain's broad grin supported the assumption.

Kam made his exit without sparing a look back at Avi Stasi or anyone else for that matter.

…………………………………..

"Could I talk to you about something?" Anneke asked Dr. Raynor as soon as they got settled in the infirmary.

"Of course." Until recently, Anna had forgotten the lecture one of her teacher had given, almost a decade ago, about how on a ship, especially one with a small crew, the medical officer did more than dispense plasters and aspirin. Eventually, she would hear all of the crewmembers' problems, from broken hearts to whatever it was that was making Strickson look so pensive.

"It's… about the Captain."

"Oh?" she set down her scanner.

"I… I think I may have… misjudged him, Ma'am."

Anna favoured the younger woman with a warm smile. "If this is about his flirting, he does it with everyone. I'm sure if you told him it bothers you, he'd stop." She'd seen the way Jack went at the young woman almost mercilessly but didn't have the heart to tell Strickson that if she would just let it slide without getting flustered at him, the Captain would probably go easier on her. Strickson's reactions to the things he said clearly amused the man no ending, but anyone could see he wasn't doing it to be cruel. "He's really not as bad as his reputation would have him seem, you know."

"That's the problem."

"How do you mean?"

Anneke fidgeted nervously, "I… I think… _I know_… I made a mistake, Ma'am. I said something I shouldn't have."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I… I'd rather not say, Ma'am. If that's ok?"

Anna nodded and resumed her scan.

Strickson continued to speak: "I just… I think the Captain's really angry with me and I don't know how to fix it. I really like this job. If… if there's any possibility of it turning into a real job… you know, a long term contract…it's not just the money," she added. "I like the _Welshman._ I like the Captain… not like that," she amended quickly when Doc Raynor gave her an appraising look. "I just mean… he was being really nice to me, but then I screwed up. I just want to make things right again."

Anna entered the information into her data pad before responding, mostly because she wanted to buy herself another minute to chew on the information, sketchy though it was, before responding. "I don't know the Captain well, Ms Strickson, but I really don't think he's the sort to hold a grudge over a simple mistake."

"I'm not sure it was all that simple."

"Did anybody get hurt?"

"Not really. Not yet. I mean… no one should." If the Captain didn't tell Mr Anders… if he didn't decide to shove her out an airlock. But she wasn't completely convinced he would, at least not over something she'd said. After all, she was only repeating something she'd heard. It wasn't her fault the information was wrong… _but it __**was**__ your fault for believing it,_ she reminded herself. "I don't want anybody to get hurt," she said finally.

"Give the Captain some time to calm down and get some rest. He's been up for over twenty four hours straight. That's enough to cloud anyone's judgement… make them over react…"

"It's about Mr Anders, Ma'am."

Anna frowned. "What about him?"

"I… heard something. I asked the Captain if it was true. I didn't mean any harm, I just… I didn't know."

"If you have question about Mr Anders, you should address it to Mr Anders, _not _the Captain. But, Ms Strickson, would I advise you to tread lightly," her tone was one of warning. "There are a lot of people aboard this ship who are very fond of Kam."

"Yes, Ma'am." She slid down from the table, feeling as if she was being dismissed.

"Ms Strickson… I think if you tell the Captain what you told me… about how you feel… I'm sure he'll listen to you. Everybody makes mistakes. Just try not to make the same mistake twice."

"I won't."

………………………………………………………..

The Captain made his way to his office while Mr Smeed went back to the bridge.

Before Jack had come back aboard, his First Officer reported the last of the clean section of hull had been scavenged and secured in the hold. Fielding was requesting permission to begin exploring the engine room for salvable parts. The _Welshman_ was already under way to his new destination near the aft section of the derelict ship.

Once in his office, Jack secured the door and carefully removed both the box and John's wrist strap from his pack. The rest of the salvaged goods had gone with Mr Stasi to the cargo hold to be catalogued later. Their current priority was still to get as much as the could off the _Janus and Hestia_ before she was lost for good.

He settled into his chair, feeling the weight of every one his many long years sitting square on his shoulders. Jack picked up his former partner's wrist strap and turned it over in his hands for several long moments before flipping it open, wondering if John had left him any other clues about his last days… last years…

He had searched the other man's cabin thoroughly. The only solid conclusion he was able to reach about John's life aboard the _Janus and Hestia _was that his quarters weren't large as they were because John was… well, he was John. They were larger than the first crew cabins he and Strickson had searched because that part of the ship was reserved for family housing. Jack was convinced by what he'd seen in the wreckage of John's cabin that at least one other person had been living there with him and he doubted that he or she had been a casual roommate. What Jack didn't know was why John had chosen to hide his wrist strap with the box in anticipation of him eventually finding it.

He examined the vortex manipulator more closely. It wasn't damaged. It still worked. John could have hopped out of there… he could have taken at least one or two people with him… if there was someone in his life, someone special, they didn't have to die aboard that ship.

Unless what John had said was true.

"_When I looked into that box, I didn't like what I saw… or maybe I liked it a little too much…"_

The box changed people. It showed them the past. The future.

John was the one who found it… or more accurately, he found the museum where the archaeologists who had found it were displaying it.

_Mysterious South American artefact, buried over three thousand years ago by __Yanomamo Indians in Brazil… _or so the information plaque had read. Seeing as the Yanomamo had no writing systems of their own, it was highly unlikely that they created the carved box that clearly displayed written text, albeit one that no one could read.

John had had the good sense to recognize the material the box was made of as non-terrestrial. The good sense to contact Jack… Torchwood.

Recovering the artefact from a museum in the United States had been…interesting. It was made more interesting when Jack ran into an old girlfriend… she was the first person to look into the box.

She came out of the experience dazed but not traumatized, not the way Ianto would later become. She said it was living two overlapping lives, but both of them were hers. She was confused for a couple of days afterwards, seeming to slip in between what was really happening and the alternate reality the box had presented her with. But it didn't last long and it made her appreciate the life she had because she had seen what might have been if she had done just one or two things differently…

"_It's like… every little thing is so important. Every little decision we make can have these __**huge**__ consequences. Everything I saw… it all happened because I was too tired to pick up the phone… because I wasn't there when somebody needed me. The lives of so many people fell apart…so many people were hurt. I will never, __**ever**__ take the little things for granted again, Jack. Thank you."_

Bobby said the much the same thing when he looked into the box. He saw what his life would have been if he'd stayed in New Jersey, stayed with his girlfriend, the one before Wendy.

"_It wasn't a bad life… but I love this life so much more."_

Even later, when he was bleeding out in Jack's arms, he insisted that there was nothing he would have changed…

But when Jack looked into the box, he saw Nothing.

Frigid, endless, black Nothing.

And Ianto… Ianto saw something that gave him nightmares for months afterwards.

"_You left me… you didn't come back for me…I loved you so much, Jack… why…?" _

The sound of the door chime brought him back to the present. He cleared his throat. "Yes?" he called out.

"Captain?" it was Kam. The sound of his voice seemed to lift some of the weight from Jack's shoulders.

He hit a button on his wrist strap and his office door slid open; he smiled. Kam was carrying two cups of coffee.

"Mr Smeed said it was all right if I took a few minutes… if… as long as you don't mind, Sir," he nibbled his lower lip uncertainly. But then Jack's smile broadened. Warmed. It made him feel light… happy. He closed the distance between them and set the Captain's coffee down at his elbow, the handle right at seven o'clock. That's when he saw what he was holding. "That looks just like yours!"

The older man smirked. "Mine's bigger."

Kam felt warmth rise in his cheeks; he wasn't at all certain they were both talking about the same thing. _He_ had been talking about the wrist strap Jack was holding… the Captain's expression, however…

Jack laughed a moment… then his tone changed. His expression softened. "It's John's," he explained.

"Did… I mean… so he's really gone?" he asked in an uncertain tone.

"Yes. He's really gone." Saying it aloud hurt, but he knew it was necessary and not just for Kam. He had to get used to the fact that John was really _gone_.

"I'm sorry."

"I knew… I gave up finding him alive over a hundred years ago."

Kam slipped his arms around the Captain's neck. He remembered how he'd felt when his mother died… being shipped off… shipped away. So many nights he'd dream that she was still alive, that she'd come back somehow… then he'd wake up and she would still be dead. "I'm sorry anyway, Cariad."

Jack held him a long moment, startled… grateful. Kam shifted, kissed him. He smiled at the younger man. "I'm ok," he said, knowing it was true.

Kam straightened. "So… what is that thing?" he asked of the wrist strap.

"Vortex manipulator… John and I worked together," he gave Kam a measured look, "In the fifty first century."

"What did you do?" the young pilot's question surprised him not for the inquiry itself, but because of the way he seemed to take whatever Jack said as true, no matter how amazing it must sound to someone born in the middle of the twenty sixth century.

"We were a Time Agents," he told the younger man honestly.

"What's a Time Agent?"

Jack gave over a rueful smiled. "It doesn't matter. They're all gone now."

"But… you just said… the fifty first century. That's twenty five hundred years from now. It hasn't happened yet."

"When you go hopping through time you get used to thinking of time in more than one way…" _timey wimey, topsy turvey… only you, Doctor… _he regarded the younger man standing there a long, thoughtful moment. "For me, living my timeline, the Agency is gone, disbanded. It fell apart centuries ago. For you it hasn't even been conceived of yet. Time travel won't even be fully understood, at least by humans, for another few of centuries yet."

"Then what? Everybody goes hopping through time…?"

Jack chuckled; he could imagine what the young man must think it was going to be like in a few hundred years. "It's not that simple. Only a hand full of people will actually go 'hopping through time'."

"But you'll be one of them…?" it wasn't quite a question but his tone was filled with such wonder it sounded like one.

"I already _was _one of them. I left the Time Agency."

"The same Time Agency that hasn't even been conceived of yet."

"Exactly."

Kam bit is lip a little. "Is that how you think about everything… every_one_… past and future… all… all mixed up like that?" he wondered, the insignificance of his life hitting him hard.

Jack leant back in his chair and looked up at the younger man for far longer than was making Kam comfortable, although that wasn't his intention. He was just enjoying the view… considering his answer. "Sometimes it is. Sometimes I just… I try to get by, the same as everybody else." He reached up and tugged Kam gently down into his lap. "I look for little moments of happiness and try to hang onto them for as long as possible."

Kam closed his eyes and leaned in. "I… I love you," he whispered. "I love you so much… so, so much, Jack." _So much it hurts sometimes…_ but it was such a sweet pain; it was unlike anything he'd ever felt before.

"I love you too," Jack told him. The younger man's tone wasn't lost on him, however. The fear… the uncertainty. "Is something the matter?" he asked. Stasi… Strickson… did Kam know what they were saying about him? What _someone _was saying…

Kam bit his lip. "I'm fine."

"You know you can tell me anything, Sweetheart."

"I… I know. It's nothing, really," he lied.

"Must be something," he started to lean in, to kiss Kam's bruised lip, but the other man's voice stopped him.

"It's just… you and me… us…" he began.

Jack leaned back. "Us?"

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," said Kam, a little too quickly. He knew Anna was right, he should tell Jack what was bothering him, but he didn't know how to do that without sounding like a clingy little kid who freaked out whenever they were apart for two hours. He didn't want to be like that. He wanted to be strong… brave. He wanted to be like Jack.

He wanted to be someone Jack could be proud of.

"Kam, if something's wrong…"

He shook his head again. "I'm fine. Really. I should probably get back to the bridge."

Reluctantly, the Captain let him go. "I'll be there in a few."

"All right." But at the door, Kam hesitated and turned back to face the older man. "Jack… that… thing… the vortex manipulator…?" he asked. his tone betraying his uncertainty. He waited for his nod before continuing. "That's what you used to move through time, isn't it?"

He was met with another rueful little smile from the Captain. "Yeah. It is. But mine was… broken… a long time ago."

Kam bit his lower lip. Now Jack had John's vortex manipulator. "I… I guess I'll see you on the bridge," he said, trying to quell the fresh rush of fears. Jack could go home now, back to his own time. Or back to the past. He could go anywhere…

"Hey," the Captain's voice made him turn around again. "Thanks for the coffee."

"Any time, Sir."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

_All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on._

-- Havelock Ellis

* * *

Jack spent several long moments staring his office door. Kam's hasty retreat left him feeling hollow inside; he kept playing the last bit of their conversation over and over in his head.

_What's wrong… _

_Nothing…_

_Must be something…_

_It's just... you and me… us…_

Us.

The pronouncement had hit him like a glass of ice water square in the face. Of all the things he might have expected to hear… _you and me… us… _what was wrong with 'us'?

He leant back in his chair, the box and even John all but forgotten as he tried to figure out what he'd done to upset the younger man.

He drank his coffee without tasting it.

Up until that moment, Jack had been convinced that things were good between he and Kam. Better than good. Better than… better than anything had been in five hundred long years.

He supposed it was possible that he'd come on a little too strong when he got back from the_ Janus and Hestia_; Kam tended to be shy about public displays. It was just that the last twenty or thirty minutes out there, all he could think about was getting back to his own ship and seeing the one person who made him feel alive again. The one person who made him happy.

It had been five centuries since he had felt like this, since he had felt like there was a purpose to his life, a reason to get out bed in the morning. A reason to go to bed in the first place… someone to hold onto in the middle of the night.

Someone who kept him warm even when they weren't together.

Jack closed his eyes.

He knew it wasn't just that he had come on too strong when he got back from the _Janus and Hestia._ He was coming on to strong in general. He wanted a lifetime with Kam… sixty or eighty years.

But Kam was only _**twenty**_. He had never had a boyfriend before… never been on a date… never done any of the things a kid his age should have done. His childhood… his whole life… had been stolen away from him seven years ago and he'd only just gotten it back. Only instead of giving him the freedom to explore everything the Universe had to offer, Jack had sequestered him away in his cabin and kept him there.

Initially, it might have been that he wanted to protect Kam – he _had_ wanted to protect him – but now it was just selfishness making him want to keep the younger man there. Kam made him happy; he made him feel alive. And he was so caught up in his own needs that he hadn't bothered to stop and wonder how Kam felt about continuing to share his cabin or to ask him what _he_ wanted. Maybe he wanted to have dinner with the rest of the crew… maybe he wanted his own space… maybe that's what he'd been about to say when he decided that he shouldn't have said anything… maybe Kam was afraid he would be angry…hurt.

And of course he would be hurt, but that wasn't the point. The point was the Jack hadn't stopped to consider the needs of a twenty year old kid whose every action had been controlled for the last seven years.

He realized then he had absolutely no right to ask Kam to even _think_ about committing to something long term with the first person he met. It wouldn't be fair. He had had a full life… hundreds of relationships. He knew what he wanted. But Kam… he didn't have anything to compare their relationship to.

He knew Kam loved him… he might even say yes to a lifetime… but would it be because that was what he really wanted or because he felt like he owed Jack? Because he didn't want to hurt him. _Would he end up regretting it later…?_

It wasn't that he would begrudge Kam if wanted lovers outside their bed – or in it with them for that matter. As far as Jack was concerned it was a perfectly natural, normal desire. Even Ianto had finally become secure enough in their relationship to invite in a third party or two…

He just didn't want Kam to resent him for holding him back when he should have been encouraging him to go live his life. He didn't want the younger man to regret being with him, especially if he might already be having second thoughts about where he wanted the relationship to go.

He also knew Kam would never agree to anything that involved Jack forgiving his debt. He was too proud… too stubborn. _Just like someone else I used to know and love… still do love…_someone he would always love.

Jack pulled his ledger out of his desk and checked over the numbers. James might not be pleased, but they could afford to cut into their profits this trip and give larger than expected bonus to the crew if they really made as good a haul as Fielding seemed to think they would. Her numbers were impressive; her was ability to calculate those numbers equally so. She had a better than average grasp of what kinds of materials would fetch how much and where. If Jack played it right, Kam could come out of this operation not owing him anything.

He closed his eyes against the stab of pain that shot through him. If he left…

But the last thing Jack wanted was somebody sticking around just because they felt they were obligated to. Indebted.

_Like I owned him._ The thought left a cold hard knot in his gut. But surly Strickson hadn't gotten that idea from Kam himself… he had to at least know how much he meant the older man… how much Jack loved him.

_I will __**always **__love you. I will never forget you. I won't leave you. I won't __**ever**__ leave you. But I won't try to stop you from leaving me._

Jack drained his cup and headed to the bridge.

He had been on duty for less than an hour when Anna Raynor appeared at the door. He smiled despite the unpleasant tumult of emotions going on inside him. "What can I do for you, Doc?"

She eyed him speculatively. "I was looking for Mr Smeed, actually."

Jack flashed a grin. "Last time I checked, night shift was my shift. Jimmy's probably in his quarters."

"I'm sorry. Of course." She hesitated a moment, linger at the door. "Sir… can I have a word?" she motioned towards the corridor.

He nodded at her. "Mr Anders… try to keep us out of magnetic fields, if you don't mind," he found himself teasing the young pilot out of habit. It hurt. Everything about being with him the last hour had hurt. But Jack considered himself a master at not letting things like that show, even when Kam turned and gave him a grin like the one he was flashing. It made Jack's chest heave… tighten.

"I'll try my best, Sir," his tone was dry.

Jack forced a chuckle and followed the doc out into the corridor. "What can I do for you?" he asked her again.

"I… I really don't mean to overstep my bounds, Sir, but you've been up for over twenty four hours. Are you all right to be on duty?"

He smirked, relieved that that was all that was bothering her. "I'm perfectly fine to be on duty. Although I appreciate your concern," he added. She was a good physician. He appreciated that. "If there's nothing else…?"

Reluctantly she shook her head no, that was all she'd wanted to ask.

Jack bid her good night… instead of going back to the bridge, he decided to head down to the cargo hold and see if he could lend a hand. An Cho could monitor the team that was out side of the ship, Kam could keep the _Welshman's _position steady, Weiss would make sure that nothing snuck up on them… all in all, his presence was superfluous and he knew it.

……………………………………………………..

"Am I intruding?" Anna asked when Jim let her into his cabin. It was surprisingly neat; she had expected something a lot less orderly from a self entitled 'grizzled old space dog.'

"Not at all," he pulled his shirt back on over his t-shirt, buttoning it up quickly. "Can I get you something… tea? A drop of scotch?"

"No. Thank you."

Smeed gave her an appraising look. "So it's business then, Doc?"

She smiled despite the feeling of nervousness that threatened to overwhelm her. She knew she was moving into territory that wasn't necessarily any of her business, but she'd given herself the last couple of hours to think about things that either Jack or Jim had said to her over the course of the past two months. There were things that weren't adding up, even if she took into account Jack's 'connections.'

Jim motioned for he to have a seat; it looked like he'd been reading. She picked up the book. "The Wizard of Earhtsea?"

He shrugged. "It's a pretty good read… if you're into that sort of thing." He sat down across from her. "But I don't gather it's my eclectic reading habits you wanted to discuss, Doc."

She shook her head and replaced the book carefully. She noticed that unlike the Captain, he didn't dog-ear his pages or leave books lying face down on the coffee table. He also believed in coasters.

Anna cleared her throat and forced herself to meet the gaze of the man sitting across from her. "It's about the Captain."

Smeed's brows knit together.

"He wouldn't come in for a physical after his last trip out to the _Janus and Hestia._ In fact, he won't let me examine him at all."

Smeed just barely contained the comment that threatened to jump out of his mouth.

"I'm serious, Jim!"

"I know. I apologize… really, I do. But you have to admit, you set yourself a bit there."

She smiled despite herself. "I suppose I did. But I'm _still _serious. If something were to happen to him… and why is he still on duty? He's been up over twenty four hours. He didn't come to me for anything…" she left it open ended, hoping that if the Captain was using some sort of upper to keep himself going that Jim knew about it. And that he'd have the courtesy to tell her the truth.

Jim shook his head. "He's not on stims, if that's what you're asking. He just… he doesn't sleep as much as most folks. He's fine to be on the bridge. If he weren't, I'd say so."

She settled back into her chair; it was comfortable. Worn, but not shabby. Kind of like Jim Smeed…. She felt heat rising in her cheeks; it had nothing to do with her concerns over the Captain's ability to do his job. But she had to believe that if there was a problem, Jim would tell her… or tell Jack. Finally she gave in. "All right. But why won't he let me examine him. _Professionally,"_ she amended when he started to grin again.

"Captain's got his reasons and they're not mine to divulge, Doc," his tone was surprisingly serious, given the look of mirth twinkling in his eyes.

"He's… not like the rest of us, is he?"

"Now _that_ is an understatement." Then he levelled a serious look in her direction. "Is that going to be a problem for you?"

She paused a moment, startled by the stark earnestness of his tone. "No. No, it isn't." Torchwood had saved her life. Even if Jack Harkness hadn't been personally involved, it was enough for her to trust him. "Think I could change my mind about that scotch? Unless… you'd like to go to bed..."

"Why Dr Raynor…!"

Anna's cheeks turned a deep shade of crimson. "I didn't mean…I just…"

His laugh stopped her from further explanation. "I know exactly what you meant, Doc. And no, I'm not too tired for a little company… at least not your company," he added with a shy smile, getting up to get the scotch. "But you've really gotta learn to be more careful what you say. You can believe Jackie would never have let you off the hook so quick for a comment like that."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

He chuckled softly hoping that when the time came to renew contracts, Anna would decide to stay…


	16. Chapter 16

**

* * *

**

Chapter Sixteen

"_Among men and women, those in love do not always announce themselves with declarations and vows. But they are the ones who weep when you're gone. Who miss you every single night, especially when the sky is so deep and beautiful, and the ground so very cold."_

Alice Hoffman

* * *

Kam looked up expectantly when the door to the bridge slid open, hoping… _desperately_ hoping… but it was Tom Chinball. He glanced at the time… no, it was hours before the end of his shift. Almost four hours, in fact, and Jack still hadn't come back to the bridge. He knew Anna would never betray his confidence, but he wished Jack would come back... he just needed to see him.

Tom crossed the distance between them wearing a warm easy smile. "I heard from Leah you didn't get much sleep last shift," he said. "Thought I'd come relieve you early if you wanted."

The young pilot blinked. Leah… had told him… and he… Kam took a breath and let it out. There were so few people who had ever done anything nice for him, especially for no reason. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

The other man shrugged. "Just remember this when I ask you for a favour," he teased.

Even though he knew it had been said as a joke, Kam promised to remember anyway. He didn't know much about having friends, real friends, but he was sure that when someone did him a favour he should return it if he ever got the chance.

He left the bridge… but he didn't want to go back to his and Jack's cabin. He knew the Captain wouldn't be there, not in the middle of his shift.

Kam walked past his office, but he wasn't there. He wasn't in the mess, either.

He considered going to see Anna, but he'd already bothered her enough with his problems. Besides, it wasn't like he could tell her about Jack finding his old boyfriend's wrist strap or what it meant… what it did. What he was really afraid of. But he was sure Jack would never really leave, not like that. He wouldn't abandon his crew.

Instead of going anywhere in particular, he wandered aimlessly, hopping to bump into Jack… eventually his feet brought him to the observation deck. The _Janus and Hestia_ dominated the portal completely, a big, ugly, hulking beast.

Kam sat down and closed his eyes, remembering the first time Jack had found him here… how scared he'd been. How Jack had taken him to his cabin… how confusing he'd felt… that kiss… oh that kiss… so familiar… _Please God, I love him so much… please… I know has to end sooner or later… I never want it to end… but please if it's going to, please let it be later not sooner. Please not sooner. _

"I love him so much," he whispered aloud. "I just want him to love me too. I just want to be what he wants."

…………………………………………………………….

Jack spent nearly ten hours cutting pieces of hull plating into evenly sized sheets and then bundling and stacking those sheets in a way that would have made Ianto proud. Ianto had never had much faith in Jack's ability to be tidy, but really, he was capable of it. When he tried. Nice neat piles conserved space and made unloading – and ultimately selling – his haul easier.

Usually this was the sort of job he'd assign to a couple of the members of the crew once they were on their way back to Empire territory, albeit the margins of the Empire, where he could sell off his haul on what he liked to call the 'grey market.' It wasn't quite the black market – there was nothing illicit that he was selling. This time. But it certainly wasn't the open, regulated, heavily taxed market either.

Jack didn't have a license to sell on the open market, but the kinds of people he preferred to sell to didn't have a license to buy on the open market either. Licenses cost money… had to be renewed… but more than that, they were just one more way for the Empire to track its loyal citizens.

Just the same, most of the time, as long as they 'grey' market buyers and sellers kept their collective noses reasonably clean and didn't cut too far into the profits of the Great and Bountiful Human Empire… _**and**_ paid the appropriate bribes to the patrolmen and officials who were supposed to curtail all less than legal practices… the Empire was willing to turn a blind eye.

Jack switched off the torch and lifted the heavy protective face plate. He used the back of his sleeve to mop the sweat off his brow. He was hot and exhausted, but he'd managed to get most of the hull plating cut and stacked. He felt good, like he'd accomplished something.

And the work had kept his mind off other things. John. That box. _Kam._

He glanced at the clock that hung over the cargo hold door. The night shift would be ending in less than an hour. He stowed the torch and protective gear away quickly and jogged back to their cabin. If he hurried, he would have time for a quick shower before meeting Kam for dinner… which went against everything he'd been thinking (even though he'd been trying not to think about it.)

He knew he needed to give the younger man some space to grow, time to find his own feet and make his own way in the Universe. But how much harm could eating dinner together cause? Maybe it would even give them a chance to talk.

_I just hope I want to hear what he has to say, _he thought ruefully as he strode onto the bridge… he stopped short.

It was still a good thirty minutes until shift change, but instead of Kam, Tom Chinball was sitting in the pilot's chair.

Chinball looked up, startled; Jack made the effort to soften his expression. He could see the genuine anxiety in the young man's blue grey eyes. He had good reason to be apprehensive.

According to their contracts, each crew member was responsible for their own shift. It was a standard clause meant to keep shift swapping and other shenanigans to a minimum; regardless of what a crewmember did off duty, when it was time for his shift, he was in his chair. No exceptions. Leaving one's post early or arriving late, no matter the reason, was grounds for a dock in pay. Or worse.

Ships' captains weren't known for being particularly forgiving of even minor breaches of contract and Jack was no exception. He gave Chinball a questioning look.

The other man cleared his throat and nervously explained that he'd relieved Mr Anders a couple of hours ago. "I just thought… I heard he didn't sleep much last shift… I… only meant to… you said before how we should be there to back each other up. I figured maybe it didn't have to be a fight in a bar… having someone's back, I mean… acting like a real crew, Sir," he stammered, his words coming out alternately hesitant and rushed.

There hadn't been any official word as to whether or not the Captain would renew contracts after this haul, but there was plenty of speculation that he might. Chinball was one of a growing number of crewmembers who would jump at the chance to remain aboard the _Bonnie Welshman. _It wasn't just about the money, either. Folks living out on the rim didn't get many chances at anything that resembled security… a home. Like most of the people currently serving on the _Welshman_ Tom Chinball had had those things once. No matter how unlikely the place he found it, if he had the chance to call a place home again he wouldn't pass it up.

At first he had been just as glad to be assigned to the day shift under Mr Smeed; Harkness scared the shit out of him (he still did a little.) But if the choice was between flying with a man who very well may have murdered someone (as if the same couldn't be said of just about every other captain Tom had ever worked under), or looking for another contract on Omega… he'd take his chances with Jack Harkness. _Better the devil you know than the one you don't…_

So far Harkness seemed fair… reasonable. He hoped…

"At ease, Mr Chinball," Jack told him. "It was a good call." He watched the young man visibly relax. "Either of you need anything?" he asked. He wanted to go find Kam… but duty first.

"I'm good, Sir," Chinball told him, his easy smile returning.

"Ms Cho?"

"I'm fine, Sir, thank you," her tone was soft. She never looked him directly in the eye, but she did her job with an efficiency that Jack appreciated.

He took his leave, wondering why Kam hadn't been in bed. He should be exhausted… but maybe he was in the mess getting a bite to eat. That was what they usually did after shift… a quick bite. Maybe a little basketball. Maybe straight to their quarters for a more intimate work out…

Kam wasn't in the mess.

After checking in with Anna and stopping by the empty rec room, Jack returned to their cabin holding onto only a slim hope that Kam would be there… but he wasn't.

He sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes.

_What's the matter…_

_You and me… us… _

Us.

That one word went straight through him like… like a javelin, Jack thought bitterly.

It wasn't fair. If Kam really was… if it was him… if it was possible, if he was really going to start believing in something beyond this life… if he was going to be willing to accept as true the things he had always known were impossible…

If Kam… Ianto… if he had come back… found him… if it was him… he wanted more time this time. He wanted a lifetime. A real, proper lifetime. Sixty years. Eighty. A chance to really build something together. It only seemed fair for them to have that this time... not that life was always fair. If it had been, Ianto would have been there to dance with their daughter on her wedding day.

But he and Ianto had only had fourteen years together. Yet at the time it was so much more than either had dreamed possible… The life of a Torchwood officer was so short… Tosh… Owen… Five years… four… Bobby had only made it to six.

None of them had lived to see old age, not even Gwen who retired from field work after she gave birth to her and Rhys' second child. A little girl, Jack seemed to remember…

Eventually, he buried them all. Everyone he loved. His friends. His family… his children. Grandchildren. Great grandchildren. Everybody he'd ever known. Everyone he ever _would _know.

But if there was something more, something else out there beyond the darkness… something to believe in… it gave him hope. A reason to keep on loving. A reason not to give up.

Only no matter who he may have been in some past life, in _this _life, Kamden Anders was a twenty year old kid who hadn't had a chance to live at all. He deserved a chance at a real life. His _own_ life.

_And where does that leave me?_ Jack wondered; he didn't like any of the answers he came up with. _He_ was a part of Ianto's life; that was no guarantee that he would be a part of Kam's.

Knowing he was never going to get to sleep, Jack pulled himself up off the sofa; he got a cup of coffee from the mess and headed to his office. At the very least, he could put his sleeplessness to good use and try to figure out what John had really been up to the last five years of his life.

A life that had ended over a hundred and sixty years ago…

……………………………………………………………………..

When Kam got back to their cabin, he found it empty.

Jack should have come off shift an hour ago. He should be there. Kam had gone by his office again, but he still wasn't there. He wasn't in the mess hall, either.

Even though the very last thing Kam wanted to do was to crawl into an empty bed all alone for the second night in a row, he did it anyway. What else was there to do? He curled himself around Jack's pillow and closed his eyes, trying very, very hard to convince himself that even if Jack wasn't around it didn't mean anything. They weren't over. They couldn't be, not yet. They'd only just started.

And Jack would never run out on his whole crew.

…………………………………………………………….

Exhaustion finally staked its claim on Jack a few hours later. He made his way back to his quarters and slipped in quietly in case Kam was in bed… seeing him there, curled up under the blankets, his heart seized up. But instead of the usual rush of pleasure he got at seeing the younger man, he felt he felt a cold hand on his heart. Why couldn't they have found each other in ten years, after Kam had had a chance to live a little?

The younger man twitched in his sleep, murmuring something incomprehensible… it sounded like a bad dream.

Jack kicked off his boots and slipped into bed behind him, curling his arms around him and pulling him in close. Kam relaxed into him immediately. They were such a perfect fit… "I love you so much," he whispered.

Kam stirred a little. His breathing changed. "Do you mean it?" he asked, sounding half asleep.

The hand tightened around Jack's heart, but he didn't hesitate in answering. "Of course I mean it."

Kam turned in his arms so they were facing each other. His eyes were half closed. "I was so afraid," he admitted; he sounded barely awake.

"Of what?"

"That you didn't really love me. That you left."

"Sweetheart, I will _always _love you."

His breath hitched in his throat and he waited… but Jack didn't finish it. Kam felt his heart sinking again.

_I will always love you. I will never forget you._

Only Jack didn't say the last part.

He pulled in close anyway, burying his head against the Captain's chest, letting that scent and those strong arms become his whole world.

"Go back to sleep, Sweetheart," he said, even though he wasn't entirely certain Kam was really awake.

"Please don't leave me… please, Jack… say you'll stay…"

"Shhh," he stroked the younger man's hair. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise," he pressed a soft kiss into his forehead. "Just sleep."

………………………………………………………………………

In the hazy place between sleep and wakefulness, Kam realized he was alone in bed… but then he heard water running in the bathroom… it wasn't the shower… Jack must be shaving.

He smiled and stretched. He remembered waking up in the middle of the night to feel Jack's arms wrapped snuggly around him. He remembered him saying that he loved him… promising not to leave… it was enough to make him believe that things might really be all right.

He got dressed and went into the sitting room to set the table for breakfast.

Lachlan McLean always left a meal for them in the warmer in their little kitchenette (not that it was worthy of being called even that much. Jack had a tea kettle, a coffee pot, a couple of hot plates, a warmer and a small cold storage area as several well as mostly bare cabinets.) This morning, however, the warmer was empty.

Jack came out of the bathroom.

"I thought we'd have breakfast in the mess today," he answered the younger man's unspoken query in a carefully neutral, almost cheerful, tone.

Kam paused a moment, trying to figure out exactly what that meant. He understood the words, of course. But what did it _mean?_ They never ate breakfast in the mess. Breakfast was their time together.

"I thought it might be a nice change of pace to eat with the rest of the crew," the Captain continued, buttoning up his shirt. His tone remained casual. Cheerful.

Kam forced a smile. "Oh. Ok. Sure," He sat down and pulled on his boots, trying to figure out what was wrong. Jack had always been so fiercely protective of their 'mornings' together. It was the one thing he could always count on.

He was still trying to figure it out when they walked into the mess; Kam felt as if everyone was staring.

"Why don't you go eat with your friends?" Jack suggested, nodding towards the table where Tolbert and Weiss were seated. His tone was still neutral-bordering-on-cheerful. "I'm going to grab a cup of coffee and track James down. There're some things he and I need to go over before shift change."

"Ok," Kam answered helplessly. It felt as if the whole Universe were crumbling down around him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He leant towards Jack for a kiss… just a one quick little kiss, one thing to hang onto, something to convince himself that it wasn't over… but Jack stepped back, still smiling, saying he would seem him later on the bridge.

Kam swallowed back the lump in his throat and returned the Captain's smile. "See you later, Sir," he managed to keep his tone from betraying how hurt he was.

He watched the Captain head for the coffee machine wishing desperately that he was still asleep and just having a really bad dream… but he was awake and he knew it.

Forcing a practiced smile onto his face, Kam made his way over to Roberta and Carsten's table. "Mind if I join you guys?" he asked, his tone was as casual as his expression. One thing he'd learned in the Red House was how to act like he was happy. After all, the client hardly wanted want to think they were being Served by someone who hated everything about his life.

Carsten frowned just slightly at Kam's tone and expression – it seemed just a little too serene – but Roberta shoved her knee against his under the table before he could open his mouth and say something tactless. She turned a friendly gaze towards the young pilot. "Of course you can join us. Have a seat," she told him. "The eggs Benedict is absolutely _amazing_ this morning."

Kam flashed her a grateful smile; it was obvious she knew something was wrong, but she was making a point of not asking. He appreciated that more than he could ever have expressed.


	17. Chapter 17

**This one is especially for everyone who wants to smack Jack upside the head!**

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

_"I dropped a tear into the ocean...  
when I find it is the day I will __stop loving you."_

-author unknown

* * *

Kam took a deep breath and let it out before closing the distance between himself and the Captain. He hadn't told him where he'd be, but this time finding Jack had been easy. He had ordered the _Welshman_ to move to a safe distance from the derelict ship, but they were maintaining their orbit while the _Janus and Hestia_ went down. The _Welshman _was holding steady so that the other ship's final descent could be seen from the observation deck.

The last two days had been brutal on the younger man. He knew it was the beginning of the end of his relationship with Jack Harkness. He didn't know why it was ending, but he could sense that it was. No matter how hard he prayed, Jack kept pulling further and further away and nothing he did seemed to be able to bring him back.

Kam tried to tell himself it was just this thing with his boyfriend… John. He had seen Jack fiddling with the other man's wrist strap, playing his final message over and over, trying to get some sense of why he had died aboard that other ship over a hundred years ago.

Deep down though, Kam feared it was more than that. Jack didn't seem to want to eat breakfast with him any more. He hadn't wanted to read together last night, even when Kam offered to read to him for a change… But they had still had sex. Really good sex. _Unbelievably_ good sex. Jack was being so overwhelmingly attentive… but then morning would come and he would send Kam to go have breakfast without him.

This morning, Kam hadn't bothered to wait for him. He just made Jack a pot of coffee and took himself down to the mess for breakfast. He joined Roberta and Carsten just like he had yesterday and the day before. Like he suspected he would ever day for the next few months until they got back to Omega. He had no idea what was going to happen then.

Despite everything, however, he came to stand next to his Captain while the _Janus and Hestia_ lost her battle against the gravitational pull of the giant gas planet. No matter what, he would always love Jack. He didn't know how not to.

_You saved me. You made my life worth living. You gave me something to hold onto even if it was only for a little while… _he glanced up at the man he was standing next to. _Please don't stop loving me…_ but Jack didn't respond to his silent plea.

Slowly at first and then faster and faster the derelict ship toppled into the planet. She got smaller… smaller… until she disappeared into the heavy cloud cover. A few moments later a burst of light marked her final demise as she had either hit something solid or imploded under atmospheric pressure.

Jack closed his eyes… he could still see John's face… that insufferable smirk… his laugh… they had had some good times. He had been a different person then, but they had been good times none the less.

He wiped the moisture from his face. He knew it was absurd, the other man had been gone for a long, long time. But this was the closest thing to a funeral he was likely to get... it was his only chance to say good bye. "He wasn't all bad," he said quietly, as if trying to justify his tears. Only it was Kam standing next to him, not Ianto. Kam didn't know Tosh… Owen… Cardiff… it hadn't been John's fault. He had thought he was doing the right thing… Gray… Jack hadn't thought of his little brother in _so_ long…

Jack tapped a button on his wrist strap and a song started playing through the observation deck speakers; he'd programmed it this morning. He still hated that song… but it was their song… it wasn't their song, but it was the song John had chosen…

"Something John liked," he explained to the young man standing next to him. "Sarah Brightman." At least Kam didn't understand English, so he was spared the bad lyrics.

Not knowing what to say, the younger man stepped in a little closer and slipped his arm around Jack's waist. Jack responded, draped an arm around his shoulders… it made Kam want to cry all over again, but he knew he couldn't. This moment was about Jack, about the man he was saying good bye to. "I'm sorry. About your friend. I… I know he meant a lot to you, Sir," he said awkwardly. The only funeral he'd ever been to was his mother's. He didn't know what was supposed to happen or what he should say or do. So he just stood there… standing there felt right. Being next to Jack felt like the most natural thing in the world.

At length, the Captain turned them towards the corridor; he kept his arm around Kam's shoulders, loving the way they fit together. They way they fell into step with one another. The way the young pilot laid his head against his shoulder… the way the younger man's arm felt around his waist. He noticed Kam biting at his lip. "What is it?"

"I… was just wondering… Roberta and Carsten asked if… if we'd like to join them for a game of basket ball later," he asked in a hopeful tone. They were back to normal shifts for a while. If he could just get Jack interested in him again… if he could just somehow rekindle whatever had been lost…

But the Captain's smile told him his answer before he even said the words. "Go on without me. I've got some work to catch up on."

Kam didn't go to the rec room. Instead he went back to their cabin… their very empty cabin… and read until he fell asleep.

………………………………………………………………..

Jack looked up when his office door slid open. He smiled. He couldn't help it. Kam was standing there and he was holding a cup of coffee that smelled absolutely amazing; the only thing that would have been better would have been if he had had two cups. That would have meant that he was going to stay a while... but lately, Kam hadn't been sticking around. Lately he would just bring Jack his coffee and then leave... "Just the thing I wanted," he teased the younger man anyway.

Kam returned his smile. "I thought you might say that."

"You always seem to know just what I want right when I want it," he shot him a lascivious grin; it made the young pilot smile, too.

"I try my best, Sir," he set Jack's mug down at his elbow, ignoring the stab of pain he felt every time he and Jack were in the same room together... every time he thought about the older man.

The past two weeks had been busy; the cargo hold was nearly full. Once it was, there would be no reason for them to stay out; the operation wouldn't go a full six months. Another week, maybe two and they could start heading home. Kam had no idea what was going to happen then…

He still owed Jack money, but there was already talk amongst the rest of crew that the haul was looking good. That meant a big bonus. A big bonus meant he wouldn't owe Jack nearly as much as he'd expected to. It meant Jack would have no reason to keep him around.

"You ok?" Jack's inquery startled him.

Kam forced a congenial smile. "I'm fine," he lied. "If there's nothing else you need…" he turned to leave.

"Hold up a minute." The Captain came around to the front of his desk and sat on the edge of it. "I…" he cleared his throat and started over. "You know I've been thinking about putting a real crew together," he began.

Kam held his breath. He nodded as hope took hold of him. If Jack offered him a job…a _real_ job than maybe… Maybe the last few weeks had just been his way of coping with his friend's death. _Oh God, please let that be all that's wrong… please let us go back to the way things were, _because the way things had been lately had been so very confusing. Jack was still all over him in bed, but they hadn't had breakfast together in their cabin in_ so_ long. When he suggested it, Jack said he should go be with his friends. No matter _what_ Kam wanted to do with him, Jack always seemed to want him to go and do it with someone else instead.

Jack cleared his throat again, but not because he didn't think Kam was listening. "If… if the _Welshman_ has a real crew again… it doesn't seem fair to keep asking everyone to double up bunks," he began. "So if you want your own place all you have to do is say so."

Kam blinked. He swallowed. He tried very hard to remember to breathe. He completely missed the pained look on the other man's face. Hope vanished. "I… I'm not sure I understand, Sir."

"Jimmy's drawing up the plans to convert some of the storage space back to living quarters so the crew doesn't have to keep bunking double," said Jack. "I figured you might be sick enough of living me to want your own cabin."

"I… I really _don't_ know what to say," the young pilot admitted despondently. "I _like _living with you. I thought you liked it too." For the last two months he had been telling him it was _their_ cabin. _But if he wants to break it off, _Kam realized, _he's not going to want me hanging around… _

"I do like it," he moved back around to the other side of his desk and picked up his mug. "But you can't settle for the first fella who gives you the eye, you know," he winked. "I figured you might like to have your own place. Although I'll still hope to find you in my bed once in a while," he added in a deceptively light tone.

"I…" Kam stopped himself from biting his lip. He forced a smile. He knew how to pretend to be happy. "Of course. My own space sounds great," he lied because he thought it was what Jack wanted to hear. He excused himself politely, only barley noticing Liza Fielding when he passed her in the corridor.

He managed to keep his composure as far as the infirmary but as soon as he got to Anna's door he knew he had held it in as long as he could… only she wasn't alone.

The door opened to reveal she and Mr Smeed sitting together at her desk; they were drinking coffee and laughing over something.

Anna was on her feet as soon as she saw the look on Kam's face. "Kam… what's the matter?"

The young pilot glanced from her to Smeed and back again. He closed his eyes and forced another smile. "I… it's nothing, Ma'am. I can come back later," his tone was frighteningly calm. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, Dr Raynor. Mr Smeed," he nodded quickly at the First Officer and turned to leave, knowing he wouldn't be able to maintain the façade for long.

Anna caught his arm. "Kam… what is it? What happened?"

"Nothing, Ma'am, really…"

She shot Jim a look, but he seemed to have already figured out as much as she had. They both had a pretty good idea what… or who… was the reason for Kam's strange behaviour.

"I was just heading out anyway," the First Officer said, keeping his own tone casual; Kam pretty obviously didn't want to talk to him. "Doc… Mr Anders," he nodded at each in turn and made a hasty retreat before the boy tried to bolt again.

It hadn't been his intention to eavesdrop, but the door was barely shut before Kam broke down making it was impossible not to hear…

"Jack wants me to move out," he sobbed even as Anna gathered him into her arms. He was shaking. "He said he and Mr Smeed were working something out so the crew didn't have to share cabins any more and did I want my own space, but the way he said it," words and tears came rushing out together in a torrent. "He doesn't want me and I don't know what I did wrong! Anna, what did I do?"

"Shhh… Kam… listen to me… please… Kam," she said his name more sharply.

He turned his gaze upwards to meet hers.

She steered them towards he cabin as she spoke; it was adjacent to the infirmary. "You didn't do anything wrong," she told him honestly. She sat them down together on her little sofa and wrapped her arms snuggly around him again.

"He wants me to move out," he repreated, tears streaming down his face.

"I know. That doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's just… sometimes it works out that way. It's not your fault."

"But... I love him… I love him so much… I would do anything for him…"

She brushed the hair off his forehead and wiped away some of the tears. They kept coming. "I know you would. You are such a generous person, Kam. I don't know of anyone else who could have lived the life you've lived and still be so willing to trust… to love… but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes _love_ isn't enough."

"I don't understand. He… he's always been there. In my dreams, he's always been there… "

"Shhhh," she held him tight.

"Anna… he's_ always _been there… he's the one I waited for all my life…he's may man with the blue eyes…"

"Kam, honey, he's only the first man you've been with… _really_ been with. I know it hurts, believe me I do, but there will be other men in your life. Or women. Whatever you want. Who ever you want…"

"I don't want anybody else."

"I know," she held him and let him cry. There was no cure for a broken heart but tears and time.

………………………………………………………………..

Jim Smeed counted silently to three (he couldn't get as far as five) before stalking towards Jack's office. He found Liza Fielding already there. She and the Captain were going over the plans to salvage some of the other ships in the system.

"Jimmy…" Jack looked up from his conversation, a broad smile spreading across his lips… it faded almost as quickly as it had appeared when he saw the look on his First Officer's face.

"Begging your pardon, Sir, but I need a word with you. In private, if you don't mind," Smeed added in Fielding's direction.

Jack could count on one hand the number of times Smeed had called him 'sir' over the past thirty years. "Ms Fielding, we can continue this later," he said, much to her obvious relief.

"Of course, Sir," she got to her feet. "Mr Smeed," she nodded in his direction and made her exit quickly as protocol allowed. Anyone with eyes could see that something ugly was about to go down.

"What's wrong?" asked Jack, just as soon as the door was closed again.

"You tell me, Jackie. What the Hell did you do?" Smeed made no attempt to hide his anger.

"What?"

"Anders," he explained. "This is about Mr Anders. You told me… you _**swore**_ to me that this was different! You made me chose… you said if I couldn't get behind you two, I could go find myself another ship! I chose you because you're my friend and… and because God help me, maybe I wanted it to be different. For your sake, Jackie. I wanted it to be different for you."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Jack tried in vain to defend himself against the verbal and emotional onslaught, but it only seemed to make Smeed angrier.

"Like Hell you don't! That boy is down in the infirmary crying his eyes out to Anna because you just kicked him outa your cabin… oh no you don't!" he grabbed Jack's arm before he could take two steps in the direction of his office door. "You are not about to go charging down there, not now, not with the state that boy is in – the state you put him in! He's had enough problems, he doesn't need you messing with his head any more than you have already."

"Jim… I didn't… I swear, I don't know what you think happened…"

"Jackie, I _warned_ you! You love nothing more than to play knight in shining armour. You love to save people. And that's all well and good most of the time, but Anders…" he shook his head, at a loss for words. "You knew where he was coming from," he stopped again, taking a breath and letting it out again. What was done was done; getting angry at him for it wasn't going to help. "Ok. Fine, you have the attention span of a gnat and it's my own fault for believing you when I knew better. But I'm warning you now, you break it off with him clean. You hear me? If you're really done with him, you break it off nice and neat or so help me, I'll pitch you the airlock and not come back for your sorry carcass until after I've dropped this lot off at Omega."

Jack swallowed. He had the feeling Jim was serious.

"You broke my heart, Jack," the other man confessed. "I was just his age and you… you swept into my life, swept me off my feet and… and then you broke my heart just like you're breaking Anders'."

"I…"

Smeed cut him off. "I know you didn't know how much you meant to me," he said. "I never wanted you to because I knew it would hurt you. I know you didn't do it on purpose, you just are who you are," he shrugged and sat himself down on the corner of Jack's desk. "You're charismatic and intelligent and compassionate… not so bad in bed either," he managed to tease. "And you get side tracked too easily and I couldn't handle it. Besides, all truth be told, it wouldn't have worked out between us no matter what you'd done. I… I am sorry, Jack, but when you told me how you couldn't die, how old you are… I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with the idea of me getting older while you stayed the same. I can do it as your friend," he added quickly. "But I couldn't have ever done it as your lover. I needed somebody to grow old with."

"Not in front of," Jack agreed in a quiet tone. "I'm sorry."

"I know you didn't ask t'be like this. Hell, I can't imagine how hard it's been on you burying everybody you ever knew. But damn it, Jack, that boy loves you and you _swore_ to me that it was different this time…"

"It _is_ different."

"Not from where I'm sitting." He folded his arms across his chest, levelling a dark glare at the other man.

"Jim… I love him. I didn't kick him out of my cabin, I just… he should have his own quarters, his own place to call home. He needs a chance to grow… he can't do that living with me."

"You knew that two months ago."

"I wasn't thinking," he admitted. "I just… you're right. I got caught up in the moment and… and then I realized that he's only twenty years old. _**Twenty.**__"_

"'Bout the same age I was when we started up," he reminded the older man.

"I… Jim… I loved you. I did. I still _do_. But this is so different," Jack closed his eyes tight. "I want to spend the rest of his life with him, Jim," he whispered. "I want… I want _everything_ with him."

James Smeed eyed his friend a long hard moment; there was no denying the emotion in Jack's voice. No denying the fact that he looked almost as close to tears as Andes had. "Then explain to me why you're pushing him away."

Jack swallowed, but the lump in his throat refused to go away. "He should have a chance to experience life…his own life…"

"He's experienced plenty and you know it."

"It's not the same."

"If you really care about him, you'll let him decide for himself what he wants instead of deciding it for him. Otherwise I might just end up finding myself another ship to call home after all."


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you again so much! No, we're not quite done... but almost ;-)**

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

_Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. _

Anais Nin

_Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone._

C.S. Lewis

* * *

"Why don't you go wash your face," Anna suggested to Kam; her com was buzzing in the infirmary, but she didn't want to just leave him sitting there. She wasn't sure she had ever seen anyone who seemed to be hurting so much.

He bit his lip, giving her a hesitant look. He didn't want to get up; he didn't want to move. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

"You'll feel better for a little cold water, honest," she promised him gently. "Go on, you can use my lav."

Sniffling, Kam nodded and made his way towards the door she indicated. He didn't have the strength to argue with her. The medical officer's quarters weren't half the size as the Captain's, but she had her own little sitting room, her own lavatory… it was convenient to have her where she could be on duty twenty four hours a day.

Kam ran cold water into the sink and splashed it on his face. He didn't feel any better for it. He was still shaking, still trying to figure out what he was doing to do.

Anna had been so kind, trying to tell him that there were other men in world, somebody who would love him, care for him… someone he could count on. Trying to tell him exactly the same thing Jack had, that he shouldn't fall for the first man he met. He couldn't explain to her that this was different. It was so different. Jack had been with him his whole life, holding him, keeping him safe, giving him something to hold on to when he was scared and hurting.

There had been so many times in those seven years he had Served when he'd thought about taking his own life. He knew several Service Providers who had... it was easy. A piece of broken glass… a knotted up bed sheet… But then he would fall asleep and in his dreams there was a man with blue eyes and strong arms and he knew he was out there somewhere. _Waiting for me… _

He just wished he'd met him in five or ten more years, when he was older, because maybe if he were older, Jack would want him…love him. Thoughts of the Captain brought on a fresh onslaught of tears. It felt like his insides were caving in on themselves and he crumpled to the bathroom floor, holding his knees tight to his chest.

He couldn't explain it to Anna, but there would never be anyone else in his life. He didn't want anyone else.

……………………………………………………..

Anna made her way into the infirmary and slipped in the earpiece. "Yes?" she said into the mic. Very few people actually used the ship's intercom system to call her. The _Welshman _wasn't that big. Even when Roberta Tolbert had burnt her arm a few weeks back, she'd just come down to the infirmary, even though she probably should have let Anna come to her.

"Anna…" Jim Smeed's voice over the com.

"Jim," she greeted him coolly. She had a pretty good idea why he was calling; she perched herself on the edge of her desk and listened while he said it:

"I wanted to give you a head's up. Jack's on his way to the infirmary."

"Kam's a mess, he shouldn't have to deal with him right now. He's not up to it."

"I know. Just… I know it's asking a lot, but try to get him to talk to Jackie."

"Jim…" her tone was one of warning. The last thing she had any intention of doing was letting the Captain get anywhere near Kam Anders, not after what he'd done to him. Captain of the ship or not, he didn't have right to hurt somebody the way he'd hurt Kam and she'd be damned if she'd let him have another go at him.

"Anna, listen t'me a minute. Jack… he forgets. He doesn't mean to, but he does."

"Forgets what? How to act like a human being?" she asked acerbically.

He was silent for just a second longer than she thought he should have been, as if she'd really hit on something with that question. "He forgets what it's like to be that young," he said at last. "I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a swift kick in the arse," he added quickly. "I'll be the first in line to give it to him, too, unless you get there first. But just… try to give him a chance. Try to get Anders to give him a chance."

She took a breath and let it out. It wasn't really her decision; just the same, she did not like the idea of letting the Captain anywhere near Kam until the younger man had had a chance to pull himself together.

The infirmary door slid open. It was the Captain.

"I'll talk to you later," she said curtly to Jim and took out her ear piece; she got to her feet, folding her arms across her chest. "Captain. Is there something I can do for you?" she tried very hard to keep her tone neutral. She wasn't very successful.

Jack shoved his hands into his pockets; he didn't try to push past her. "I'm sure that was Jimmy warning you I was on my way," he said. His tone was difficult to interpret.

She shrugged.

He looked around the infirmary. "Is he still here?"

"If you're asking about Mr Anders, he's in my quarters lying down," she fibbed. Kam would be lying down just as soon as she got the chance to suggest it to him. "I realize his shift is supposed to start…"

Jack waved it aside. "I don't care about that. I need to see him."

She shifted her weight a little so that she was standing directly between the Captain and her door. "With all due respect, Sir, I think you've done enough damage for one day." It didn't escape her notice that he had yet to order her to produce the young pilot – not that she had any intention of complying with it if he did. She also saw the look in Jack's eyes… he was hurting too. He deserved to be. He was old enough to know better.

"Anna…" he began, then stopped.

She swallowed back the lump that rose up suddenly in her throat as a new thought occurred to her. The Captain could really hurt her if he wanted too; he knew her name wasn't Anna Raynor. He knew exactly who she was and what she'd done… But if he was any kind of decent human being… _or whatever he is…_ he wouldn't use that against her… she hoped. He had been careless with Anders' feelings, that didn't necessarily make him a bastard, just stupid.

Jack shook his head, seeming to understand at least part of what was going on behind the concerned look in her eyes. "I didn't kick him out of my cabin, Anna," he said her name carefully, _intentionally_, a clear indication that her secrets were still safe with him. "I just thought… he's a kid. I thought he might want some space of his own," he tried to explain. "When I asked him if he wanted to move out, he said it sounded like a great idea."

"And you _believed _him?" she asked in an incredulous tone. It was obvious by the hurt look in the Captain's eyes that he _had _believed it … _why the Hell are men so dense?_ She wondered. Maybe not all men, she supposed, but certainly the one standing in front of her looking like somebody had just kicked him.

"You said it yourself, Jack, he's a kid," she told the Captain. "He's a kid who's scared out of his mind because you are the first person he's ever loved, the first person who's ever loved him. He doesn't want to lose that. He gave you the answer he thought you wanted to hear."

"I don't want to lose him, either," he confessed, venturing just a step closer to her.

"Then why…?"

"Anna, he's twenty years old! I know, I'm the first person he's ever…" _loved…_ "been with. Really been with. I didn't want him to feel like he was settling with the first guy he met. I want him to… to have friends. To go out and… be with other people," he swallowed hard, closing his eyes a moment before continuing. He didn't want Kam to be with other people… on the side, sure, whatever made him happy. He could go and shag half of Omega Station for all Jack cared… heck, he might even join in the fun, shag the other half, meet in the middle somewhere… _Just as long as he comes home with me when we're done._

"He deserves… he deserves the chance to live," said Jack, helplessly. "I don't want him to look back at his life some day and resent me for holding him back. I thought that if I gave him some room to grow, to find his own feet, that he'd stay. Or if he left that maybe… maybe he'd come back to me again some day." The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. Ianto had once said that he could go away for seven days or seven weeks or seven _years_ and he would still take him back… Jack felt the same way. However long Kam needed… _I'd be there waiting for him when he was ready to come back to me again… _

"Again?" Anna questioned his choice of words.

Jack shook his head. "Would you… would you just let him know that I'd like to see him? When he's ready," he added softly. Maybe he shouldn't push Kam right now.

"All right. But I can't guarantee…"

The door between her quarters and the infirmary slid open. Kam stood at the threshold. He didn't say anything… he didn't have to, his expression spoke volumes. The tears… the ruddy cheeks. Swollen eyes.

"Kam, you don't have to do this right now," Anna told him in a quiet, firm tone, before Jack could open his mouth and say anything that might further upset the young man. She gave the Captain a warning look that kept him standing right where he was before turning back to the younger man. "Why don't you get some sleep? You can lie down in my bed."

"Then what?" his voice was so soft they could hardly hear him. He hugged his arms around his body as if he was trying to keep the whole world out. He didn't seem to be able to look at Jack, but he forced himself to meet Anna's gaze. "The ship is only so big. I can't hide out in your quarters forever."

The look on Anna's face gave both men the impression that as far as she was concerned that was an acceptable solution to the problem. "Why don't you at least give yourself a little time…"

Kam shook his head. "It's all right," he told her; he didn't sound very convincing. "Time isn't going to make it any better." He gave Jack a quick glance, then settled his gaze on the floor.

Anna sighed. Reluctantly she stepped out of the Captain's way. She nodded to them to use her quarters to talk. "I'll be right here," she added, mostly in Kam's direction. "If you need anything…"

"Thank you," he told her softly. Without waiting for Jack, he turned and went back into the little sitting room.

Jack opened his mouth, but she shook her head. She didn't want any kind of thanks from him, not just then at any rate. Maybe later, when things were settled between the two of them… if they were settled. She turned back to her computer to get some work done, or at least to try to…

Jack stood at the threshold a moment before following Kam into Anna's cozy little sitting room and shutting the door behind him. Kam looked so… broken. More broken even than he had even after Torren Fletcher and his friends had gotten through with him.

_I did this,_ he thought. "I… I'm sorry, Kam," He wanted nothing more than to pull the younger man into his arms and hold him tight, but he wasn't sure he had that right any more, so he stayed his ground. "I only wanted…"

"I heard," he cut him off. He had heard every word. He had only listened in because he wanted to know why Jack wanted him to move out, what he'd done wrong because maybe it was something he could still fix…he would do anything, be anyone, to make Jack happy again.

But what he had heard hadn't made sense. If he still loved him, why would he think he would ever leave? Weren't love stories supposed to end with happily ever after?

Jack took a few steps further into the room. "I want you to have your own life, Kam. It's what you deserve."

"Without you?"

"With me…without me… whatever you want," he said quietly.

"What I want is you! You're all I've_ ever_ wanted..." he didn't mean to start sobbing again, he didn't want Jack to see him cry, not like that. He wanted to be brave, he wanted to be someone Jack could be proud of… but he wasn't. He was a frightened, clingy little kid. He turned away from the older man. "You're all I want Jack," he said through the tears. "I love you more than anything. All I want is for you to love me… I want to make you happy. I want to be with you. Only you."

"How can you know that for sure unless you experience other people?"

Kam missed the hurt tone in the older man's voice; he wasn't facing him so he couldn't see the expression on his face. "I've 'experienced' literally thousands of people," he answered, his tone bitter cold. "Anyone who could pay for it could have it however they wanted it." He shuddered; he was so ashamed of everything he'd been forced to do for so many years.

"That's not what I meant. Kam," Jack laid a hand gently on his shoulder, but the younger man refused to turn around. "Kam, that wasn't real. None of those people wanted you."

"Nobody wants me."

"That's not true…"

"Isn't it?" he turned at last, facing his man with the blue eyes and strong arms. The man who had promised he would always love him, never forget him... only he'd never said those words in real life. They were just a part of a dream. He closed his eyes against the tears but they wouldn't stop coming. "You want me to go out and be with other people. That's what you told Anna. You told me you wanted me to move out. You want… " another sob shook through him. "You want someone else. Someone older. Wiser. Someone… someone better than me."

"That's _not_ true. Kam… I just don't want you to tie yourself down to the first man you meet," Jack repeated.

Kam chewed on his lower lip a long moment. Finally he turned and looked up the older man again. "I will do anything you want me to do with anybody you ask me do it with, Jack. Sex is just… with other people it's nothing. I can be anything anyone wants me to be, the perfect fantasy, no questions asked. But you're the first person… the _only_ person… I've ever been myself with. I'm not going to give that to anybody else because it's the only thing I have _to_ give. The only thing I have to give _to you_. I love you so much. I don't need to be with anybody else to know that. But if you want me to, I will. Just… just say you'll really take me back," he begged through fresh tears. "Say I can have you eventually and I'll go and do anything you tell me I have to, to prove to you how much I love you… just please… please don't tell me I have to stay away for too long. I've already waited for you for so long, Cariad…" he bit his lip again, so hard it bled.

Jack wiped the blood away gently; had he really misread the situation so badly…? But… "You said… you told me there was something wrong… with us."

The younger man blinked. He took a step back, trying to remember.

"I thought I was moving too fast," Jack explained. "I wanted to give you space. I thought it was what you were trying to tell me you needed. I never wanted you to move out. I just thought... I thought maybe you were feeling a little smothered. I thought if you had your own cabin you might... stay."

Kam closed his eyes. That day in Jack's office… that was when things had started to change between them… _is this really all my fault? _He wondered. Had he really left Jack with the idea that there was something wrong between them, that he wanted more space?

"I was trying to tell you I… it seems so stupid now," he almost laughed. He hugged himself again, holding his arms tight around his body. The last few weeks had been so impossibly horrible it made that moment when Jack first came back from the other ship seem like nothing, a pin prick compared to the gaping wound left on his heart.

"What?" Jack coaxed gently. "What were you trying to tell me?"

"The first time you came back from the _Janus and Hestia_, it felt like… like you were ignoring me."

The older man's brows came together. "I … I don't remember ignoring you," he said helplessly.

The other nodded. "You probably didn't, it was probably just me..."

"Kam, just because I don't remember it doesn't mean I didn't do it. I'm sorry. I wish you had said something," he said earnestly.

"I tried to. That's what I was starting to say, that… that you and me… us… you make me so happy most of the time… just that one time… it hurt me so much when you looked right through me...when I thought you looked right through me. Only I was afraid to say it because I didn't want to sound like I was some kind of clingy little kid."

"I have never thought that."

"But you want me to go out and sleep with other people…" he questioned.

"No. Kam, I just… I don't want to hold you back. That's all. I want you to do what you want, when you want to do it, with whoever _you_ want to be with."

"You are _all _I want Jack. Won't you please believe that? I don't want my own cabin. I like living with you. I want to be with you. _Please…" _he bit his lip again.

Jack took a step forward again and very carefully laid his hands on the younger man's shoulders. "I believe it," he swallowed back the lump in his throat. "But if you ever want to be with somebody else… no, listen to me, please," he cut Kam off before he could argue. "You're so incredibly young, you have so much living ahead of you. I never want to be the one holding you back. So if there's ever something you want to do… someone you want to be with… even if it's just for a night… or if there's somebody you want to bring into our bed… just tell me. Ok? You can do anything you want, anytime you want. I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back. I love you," Jack told him. He ran the back of his hands down Kam's arms… took his hands. "I am so sorry that I hurt you, Sweetheart."

"I thought… I thought you were tired of me."

"That will _never_ happen."

"Do you mean that?" he asked hopefully.

Jack freed one hand to brush his fingers across the younger man's bruised lips. "I mean it. I will always love you. I will never forget you."


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else,  
and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have.

James M. Barrie

* * *

_I will always love you. I will never forget you._

Kam was certain he wasn't breathing… he leant in… up… _please let me be awake, let this be real…_ Jack met the kiss half way. It was like the first kiss, hesitant at first… sweet…suddenly turning savage...then sweet again... only this time when they parted, Jack didn't look stricken.

"Oh God," Kam breathed softly. He kissed him again, deeper… harder. It felt so good… everything about being with Jack felt so good. So right.

Strong arms wrapped themselves around him and he let the warmth of Jack's body and that amazing scent of his become his whole world. "I love. I love you so much," he whispered fervently when their mouths parted again. He stepped back just enough so they could see each other. "I'm so sorry, Cariad. I didn't mean for you to think I wanted space. That's the _last _thing I want."

Jack tried to shake his head, to say he didn't need to apologize or explain, but Kam refused to be shushed.

"I love eating breakfast with you," he said. "I love reading with you and… and dancing with you and playing basketball with you. I love everything we do together.

"I like having friends too," he added quickly and not just because he thought Jack needed to hear it. He loved hanging out with Roberta and Carsten. They made him feel… normal. Like a regular person… a _real_ person. It wasn't a feeling he was used to, but it was one he never wanted to lose.

As a Service Provider, he had been nothing more an object to be used, two holes… a stem… he didn't matter. _Here_ he mattered. "I want to have friends. But I… I _need _you. I need you because I love you, Jack."

"I need you too," he admitted. "But I don't want to rush you into anything… "

The younger man shook his head. "I don't mind. Really I don't. I want to know everything you're thinking, everything you want. Jack, please…" the words tumbled out in a rush. "Please, I need to know where this… where you want this to go…" he bit his lip. He didn't know for sure what Jack wanted, but he would do anything… be anything… the other man wanted him to, if they could just go back to the way things had been.

Jack kissed his lips gently to stop him from hurting himself further. He sat them down on Anna's little sofa. "Where do _you_ want it to go, Sweetheart?"

He closed his eyes a long moment. According to Anna it was too soon to start talking about the long term, about the rest of his life, but that was what he wanted more than anything. She had also said that he should tell Jack how he felt; if he had done that instead of being too afraid to speak up, Jack never would have thought he wanted more space. _But how do I say I want to be with him for the rest of my life?_ He didn't know. "I just…I want to be with you." His tone was soft. Uncertain.

"Kam…" the Captain questioned.

"I want to be with you," he repeated more firmly. "For… for as long as you want me." He just barely stopped himself from biting at his lip again.

Jack studied him for a long moment, his own indecision playing on his face… in his eyes.

"I know I'm only twenty," Kam couldn't take the silence for very long. "I… I don't expect…" _forever… for the rest of my life… _he didn't really expect Jack to want him when he was old and ugly, but that was a long way off. They could have… oh God, would Jack really want him for ten or twenty years? What was twenty years to a man who would live forever?

_Or will he get sick of me because he does have forever…?_

"I'll take whatever you're willing to give me," he said. "A year. Two… ten," he whispered hopefully... afraid to hope. Ten years would be so wonderful. It seemed impossible, but it was more realistic than a whole lifetime… _please let him want me at least that long._

"Kam, there's something you need to understand," Jack began slowly, his tone betraying his own uncertainty. He took the younger man's hands into his, idly running his thumbs over the backs of them. Over his ring finger. There was so much he couldn't give to him. To anyone. "As far as the Great and Bountiful Human Empire is concerned, Jack Harkness lived and died five hundred years ago," he tried to explain.

Torchwood had 'buried' him, had helped him cover his tracks since. He knew that realistically he should have simply adopted a new identity, but he had gotten pretty attached to Jack. Maybe it was because he had kissed the real Jack Harkness once… _God, does that make me the ultimate narcissist or what?_ He almost smirked.

Or maybe it was because the happiest moments of his life had happened to him when he was Captain Jack Harkness. Meeting the Doctor… Rose… Torchwood. His Torchwood. His first family… Laura… his girls… Ianto… getting Jason back… Seren… the fourteen happiest years of his life…

"Cariad?"

The softness of Kam's tone was enough to break him out of the past, bring him back to the man sitting next to him. He studied him a long moment. "I don't exist, Kam. I died and was buried five hundred years ago."

The younger man's smile surprised him. "And you haven't even been born yet."

Jack chuckled. "Topsy turvy, timey wimey."

Kam gave him a questioning look.

"That's another way of saying, no, I haven't even been born yet. But what I'm trying to tell you is I can't… we can't ever make it… us… official. Legal."

The younger man's breath caught in his throat. He knew he wasn't breathing at all… was Jack really saying…

"I want a whole lot more than just the next ten years with you, Sweetheart. But I can't marry you because of who I am. What I am." He found himself suddenly unable to meet the younger man's gaze.

No one deserved to live with a real life Dorian Gray... _no portrait required, _Jack thought acerbically. If there were, he could rip it, have a normal life… live and age and die like everybody else.

Kam deserved somebody to grow old with, not in front of.

_Did Ianto ever __**once**__ regret his life with you? _Henry demanded of him, in abstentia.

They both knew the young Welshman hadn't. Not when he found his first grey hair; not even when he noticed his first wrinkle… never.

_I hope I __**do**__ live to be a hundred, Cariad. Think of all the people who would stare at us walking down the street holding hands and think that __**I'm**__ the dirty old man… _he used to tease.

_I wish you __**had **__lived to be a hundred Yan,_ Jack thought in his direction.

He looked at Kam again. Those soft brown eyes were watching him intently. There was so much… hope… _love…_

Jack's gaze shifted from his eyes… Kam's nose was a different shape… the shape of his face was different, too… his lips… he would know that kiss anywhere, even after five hundred years. _You made me so happy once…is it really possible to have that again? _If it was, was there anything he wouldn't do to have it?

"There is so much that I don't have to give you," he told the young man honestly. "I can't give you a family or any permanent kind of home. All I have is this ship… his crew. A life of salvaging junk out on the parameter of an Empire that isn't going to get any better in your lifetime… it will get better, but not for a long time yet," he told him. "And there's nothing I can do about it. This is my life… it's not… I wish I had more to offer."

"I don't care. Jack, I _don't __care_…! I just want _you_. If you really… if you want me… if you really want me for the rest of my life? Even… even when I'm old?" he asked hesitantly. Could he really mean it? Someday he would get old. Ugly…

Jack smiled. "I love you for who you are, not what you look like. _Nothing_ would make me happier than to be with you for a hundred years. As… as long as… Kam, you have to understand, I'm not going to change. I might find the occasional grey hair, but other than that, I really don't look much different than I did when… when this happened to me." Nearly three thousand years had gone by and he looked almost the say as he had the day he met Rose Tyler.

Kam nodded. He understood that. Then he smiled a wry, merry little smile that reminded Jack so very much of another man's mirthful, mischievous grin. "So what you're saying is that when I'm a hundred and twenty, everyone we meet is going to think _I'm_ the dirty old man?"

Jack laughed… really laughed. He couldn't help it. "Yeah, yeah they probably are."

"I can live with that, Cariad. I can live with absolutely anything as long as it means I get to be with you."

………………………………………………….

Although she knew the sound of laughter coming from her quarters had to be a good sign, Anna remained sceptical – even after Jack and Kam emerged from her quarters, almost an hour after they'd disappeared behind the closed door.

Kam's tears had been dried. He was smiling again, leaning into the Captain. The older man had his arm back around his shoulders, having, it seemed, resumed once more the protective stance she was used to seeing him demonstrate towards his young lover. _Too young,_ she thought. She couldn't get the image of the way Kam had looked, when he first came to the infirmary, out of her head.

She cast them each an uncertain glance knowing it wasn't her place to say anything but feeling like she should. _You__** are **__the ship's doctor after all,_ she reminded herself. She was responsible for the health of the crew, at least for the rest of this trip. That meant she was responsible for their emotional and mental health as well as their physical well being. There was more to patient care than handing out aspirin…

Anna cleared her throat as she stood, trying to figure out how to broach the subject of what had happened… what was going to happen next.

Kam gave the medic a quick, tight lipped smile as he dislodged himself from the Captain. "I'll see you when you get to the bridge, Sir," he said to the older man in a soft tone, his smile warming when he looked at him.

"I'll be up in a few," he promised, pulling him into an affectionate kiss before letting him go. The kiss was appropriate… but definitely affectionate.

They had discussed public displays before coming back into the infirmary; Jack understood now that the only reason they made Kam uncomfortable was that he was never sure what was really appropriate. He was content to follow the older man's lead and for his part, the Captain had promised do his best not to ignore him again.

_But if I do, you have to tell me… _

"Thank you, Anna," Kam told her quietly as he made his way past her.

"I didn't do anything…" she began helplessly, but she could tell by his expression that he begged to differ.

"I've never had anyone I could turn to before," he told her. "Someone I could trust. Talk to. It means a lot to me." He turned and flashed a parting grin at the Captain and took his leave.

Anna turned to face the senior officer. "Well," she folded her arms across her chest, "it looks like things out well for you."

"We both made mistakes," Jack told her honestly. He wasn't unaware of the ice that had built up between them as a result of his careless way of handling the situation.

Anna shot him a look that confirmed his suspicions. "He has no real experience with relationships, you know. He shouldn't settle for the first man he meets, no matter who that man is." Her tone was tepid.

It wasn't normally in her nature to be so blunt, but sometimes… sometimes she knew she didn't have a choice. She doubted Kam would speak up for himself, not with the starry eyed smile he'd given the Captain as he left the infirmary. As far as he was concerned, everything was all right now. It didn't look to her as if the other man felt any differently.

"I wish we had met in ten years, Doc," he said, his tone surprising her. He shoved his hands into his pockets. "I wish I wasn't the first person to love him. But I can't help the things that happened to him before we met." He shrugged. "The only thing I can do is promise to be more careful next time."

She gave him another dark look. "So you expect a next time?"

He thought briefly of all the stupid little fights he and Ianto had had… none of them had lasted long… life was too short. But it was human nature to disagree, to get bruised feelings… to bruise another's feelings without meaning to. "Yeah. I do."

Anna heaved a heavy sigh. She knew she didn't have any choice but to relent. Jack Harkness was the Captain… and he was a good man, she was sure of that. "Please just try not to hurt him that badly again," she asked him quietly. "I know it's none of my business…"

"It could be."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know me and Jimmy are talking about putting a real crew together," he leaned back against the countertop. "Actually, he's been on me about it for years now. I'd like you to stay on with us."

She gave him a long, penetrating look... then found an interesting speck on the wall to stare at. "I… I had other plans Captain." A quiet little backwater colony where no one would ask a lot of questions. Some place where she could set up a home for herself… "I have never envisioned myself as a ship's doctor," she told him honestly. "I like having solid ground under my feet."

"Is there any thing I could say to change your mind, Doc?"

The spot on the wall was very interesting indeed… she had to admit that there were things she might consider sticking around for. People.

Jim Smeed.

He hadn't done so much as try to hold her hand, but he made her feel… happy... warm. Comfortable. It had been a long, long time since anyone had made her comfortable.

At length, Anna met the Captain's gaze. "Jack, if... _if_ … I were to stay on… there are things I need to know. About you."

He took a moment to consider it, but finally gave in. "We can start with that physical you've been on me about. But you will _not _start a file on me. Clear?"

"Captain…" there were things she would rather not trust her memory to in an emergency.

"I will never need blood," he told her, seeming to understand just what she was thinking. "I won't ever need a skin graft or to have you set a broken bone, either. You probably won't even see me down here for a case of the sniffles."

"You're saying you _never_ get sick? Or hurt?" she shot him a dubious look. _No one_ was that healthy. Even if he wasn't human…

"I still get hurt, Doc," he replied in a sombre tone; it caught her off guard.

Anna shifted her stance, watching him closely. The Captain broke eye contact but only for a moment, before going on:

"Thinking Kam wanted more space than I could give him on a ship this small… worrying that someday he still might…" He met her gaze full on… "Knowing that even if he doesn't, I'm still going to lose him eventually. I bury everyone I love, Anna. _Everyone_… except for the man who I know is going to bury me some day. And it hurts. Even that hurts."

She regarded him a long thoughtful moment. That wasn't what she'd meant… it was good to know, but it wasn't at all what she'd meant. "What are you?" she finally asked.

His expression wassad. "The honest answer is that there is no answer. I'm unique. One of a kind," he flashed a wry smile then, but the pain…loneliness… in his eyes didn't escape her notice either. "I'm an anomaly in time and space… an impossible thing," he waggled his brows at her.

"You weren't always like this were you?" despite his levity, her tone remained soft.

He shook his head. "No. But I've been like this a long time."

"Long enough to get used to it?"

"I hope I never get used to it."


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

_"Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past."_

Tryon Edwards

* * *

Carsten caught up with Kam in the corridor on his way to the bridge. He nearly stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the expression on the younger man's face.

"You're smiling," he said cautiously. It was almost a question… almost an accusation.

"I always smile," replied Kam, perplexed by the statement as well as the other man's tone. He knew how to fake it, how to pretend he was happy even when he wasn't. He had learned a long time ago to never let on that he wasn't feeling _exactly_ what he was supposed to be feeling. Nothing less would ever have been tolerated in the Red Houses.

"No. I mean you're _really_ smiling, Kam," insisted Carsten. "You're happy."

Kam frowned; had he somehow noticed…?

"I'm glad," the other man said, further confusing him.

"I… I'm sorry…"

"For what?" he wanted to know; they'd arrived at the door to the bridge and stopped outside.

It was a good question, 'for what?' Kam thought about it a moment before answering. "I guess I don't know exactly," he admitted. "I just hope…" he hoped Carsten wasn't upset at him for not being happy. His friendship with he and Roberta was so important. He'd never had friends before, not like this. People he cared about, people he wanted to like him. That's why he hadn't wanted them to know he was unhappy.

"I was worried about you," said Carsten. "Roberta, too. But we didn't know…" he shrugged. "We didn't want to push you, but it was pretty obvious that you were miserable, Kam."

"I… I didn't mean to upset anybody."

"Just tell me everything's ok… it was you and the Captain, right?" he asked. "You were fighting or something?" Roberta kept saying to leave it alone, Kam would come to them when he was ready, but he thought Kam needed to talk and the sooner the better. Walking around the way the younger man had been the last couple of weeks with that fake smile plastered on his face couldn't possibly be good.

Kam hesitated… but he supposed it was no use lying. "I… I said something really stupid a couple of weeks ago," the he said. "He took it… he took it exactly the way I said it even if I didn't mean it that way at all… if that makes any sense…?" he asked hopefully. He didn't want to go into details.

"I think I get it. We all say dumb things sometimes."

"I just… I didn't mean it. I didn't even realize… but after that we both just kept saying things and doing things thinking they were the right things and they weren't, they were exactly the wrong things." He didn't want to think about what would have happened if it hadn't gotten straightened out... if they'd gotten to Omega and…

"But it's all worked out now...?"

"It's better than worked out," he grinned. The next hundred years. Jack wanted his whole life, even when he was old.

They had talked about so much… he was sure they could have talked all night if they didn't have to come on shift. But it didn't matter because he knew they would have plenty of time to talk… _a hundred years… _

"Good. But… you know… you can always talk to me. Roberta, too. We're your friends and sometimes talking helps."

"I… didn't want to bother you…"

Carsten gave him a look. "We're your _friends_," he repeated. "Friends are there for each other whether it's for good stuff or bad stuff. Ok?"

"Yeah. Ok. Thank you," Kam said as a new kind of warmth spread through him. He had Jack. He had friends, people he could talk to. He was happy.

………………………………………………………………

"Captain!"

Jack turned and forced a smile at Anneke Strickson. For the past two weeks, he'd been politely avoiding her. Mostly politely. As politely as he knew how. He hadn't wanted to deal with whatever it was she was so anxious to talk to him about in the mood he'd been in; surely if it that important, she could take it up with Smeed. That was why he had a First Officer, so _he_ could deal with the things Jack didn't feel like dealing with himself.

Only suddenly he realized he wasn't having to work quite so hard to force a smile at the young woman. _Guess that means it's time to get this over with. _"My office." He told her, altering his course so instead of heading to the bridge, he was heading to his office.

Strickson fell into step quickly. "Thank you, Sir."

Jack slid one hand into his pocket and shrugged. When they arrived at his door, he stood back so she could go in first; old habits died hard.

"Have a seat," he invited as he hit the pressure panel on the door behind them. He remembered to hit the lock as well. Whatever it was, he was fairly certain he didn't want to be interrupted in the middle of it, even if Jim was the only person likely to barge in. He wasn't sure how Smeed was going to take the most recent turn of events... but he would burn that bridge when he was standing in the middle of it… _just like always._

Jack perched himself on the edge of his desk, facing the nervous looking young woman, trying very hard not to actually stare her down, even if his 'seat' put him in the position of towering over her. "So what's been on your mind, Crewman?"

"I owe you an apology Sir," she seemed to be having a hard time making eye contact. "For what I said when we were on the _Janus and Hestia."_

He stifled a groan. Strickson had tried to bring it up twice before, but he'd brushed it off both times. "I told you. It's done. Forget about it." His tone was cold. If _that _was all she wanted, Jack definitely had better things to do with his time. He was determined to somehow make it up to Kam for the past couple of weeks… he had a few ideas, but it would take a little time to put it all together.

"Sir, please," Strickson refused to be dismissed so easily this time. "I… I was grossly out of line. I never got a chance to apologize. You won't let me!" she added angrily.

"Fine. You've apologized…" he stood to show her the door.

"Captain, please!" she implored, getting to her feet as well – when the Captain stood, so did the crew.

Something in her tone stopped him. "All right. I'm listening." He leant back against his desk without quite sitting down.

She stayed on her feet. "Sir… I… I was more than out of line. I'm sorry." She watched him a moment; he nodded to indicate that he was still listening. "I… I like serving on this ship, Sir."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Even under someone like me?" His tone remained tepid.

Heat rose up in her cheeks. "I was out of line about that too."

"Not necessarily," he admitted.

She took a half a step back.

"Relax, Crewman. I really don't bite. And in case you haven't noticed, I have no problem taking no for an answer."

"I… I think I understand that. Especially that last part." She sat back down. "Captain, the last ship I was on… I… Captain Martin was a good man, Sir, but he gambled too much. He lost the _Tigreah_ in card game almost two years ago."

Jack grimaced. "Must've been rough," he told her honestly.

"It was. The new Captain said that any of us who wanted to could stay on but… when he looked at me… it was pretty clear what he expected… and he wouldn't have taken 'no' for an answer, Sir." Her gaze shifted to the floor beneath her feet. The worn padding was just a thin layer over the metal deck plating… "My father died when I was thirteen, Sir. My mother… I don't even remember her anymore, she's been gone so long. I was only able to stay on the _Tigreah_ because I was able to convince Captain Martin that I could pull my own weight. And I can," she added, meeting his gaze.

Jack flashed a wry half smile, "So I've noticed."

"I'm not looking for charity… or pity. I just… I wanted to try and explain. You're one of the few people I've met since I left the _Tighreah_ who hasn't treated me like a little kid. I appreciate that. I know I screwed up. I know I acted just like the stupid kid people like Fielding are always treating me like, but that's not really me and I hope you'll give me the chance to prove that to you."

He nodded slightly.

"Sir, when Pete Davies came to me with your contract… he said… there might be some chance of… of an extension," she chose her words carefully, encouraged by his nod, but not wanting to press too far too fast. Davies had hinted that anyone who played their cards right could find a permanent position aboard the _Bonnie Welshman._ "I… hope… that my… performance aboard the _Welshman_ will speak louder than some badly chosen words, Sir."

"When…_ if_… I make the decision to renew contracts, I'll be taking _everything_ into consideration," he told her honestly. "Including the last five minutes."

She nodded. It was the best she could hope for. "I… I suppose that's all then, Sir. Thank you for your time," she stood to leave.

"Miss Strickson…"

She blinked. He'd gone back to 'Miss.' "Yes, Sir?" her smile was bright, but short lived. She could tell by Harkness' expression that she wasn't going to like what he had to say next; she was right.

"Who told you that Mr Anders 'belonged' to me?" he wanted to know.

She hesitated. "Sir… I…"

"I know you don't want to get anybody into trouble," he told her in an even tone. "But it's something I need to know."

Anneke shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Sir… if…" if he was testing her loyalty she was going to fail. No matter how much she wanted the chance to stay, she wouldn't hurt someone, not under the circumstances.

She didn't know why An thought what she did, but she knew she hadn't meant anything she'd said about Mr Anders maliciously. If anything, it was the Captain she held in contempt. An wasn't hurting anybody, she wasn't like those other people Anneke had heard about… Fletcher… Leese.

"This isn't a test," the Captain said, seeming to understand the look on her face. "I just need to know so I can deal with it."

"I… Sir… please don't ask me to tell you who it was. She didn't mean anything by it…"

"_She?"_ it had come from one of the _women_ aboard his ship?

Jack ran down the crew roster in his head… Fielding… doubtful… Roberta… Anna… never… Strickson was standing in front of him… Leah Ali…? It didn't seem likely…

"An Cho, Sir," Strickson told him in a soft, guilt ridden tone. She realized she'd inadvertently narrowed it down to less than half the crew by saying 'she'. Harkness would find out sooner or later anyway that it had been An. She just hoped she could convince the Captain not to take any extreme disciplinary measures…

He sat back down on the edge of his desk looking dumbstruck. "Cho?" he repeated.

"Yes, Sir. I… I was just trying… Sir, I'm sorry, I thought you were hitting on me. I was trying to figure out what the deal was between you and Mr Anders… I mean…"

He waved it aside; he knew what she meant. She was trying to understand the nature of their relationship and between his reputation and Kam's past… but where had Cho gotten the idea that Kam… it churned his stomach. "What _exactly_ did she say about me and Mr Anders?"

"Please… Captain, I met An when I first got to Omega. I don't know her well or anything, just to talk to her sometimes… to say hello. She… she helped me out once or twice. Nothing major, but… but she's a really good person. She never had to do anything for me, but she did and she's always so… honest. That's why when she said what she did…" she knew she was floundering. She forced herself to look at him. "She said sometimes the Captain of a ship will have his or her own… you know." She couldn't maintain eye contact. "Someone for their own private pleasure, Sir. She said that's what happens to Service Providers when the Houses don't want them any more. It seemed to make sense at the time."

Jack took a deep breath and let it out. "Let me make one thing absolutely crystal clear, Miss Strickson," even though he was trying, he couldn't keep the anger out of his tone. "Mr Anders is his own person. He's free to come and go… to be with… whoever he wants, whenever he wants. I did buy him out of his contract, but not so he could Serve me. The _only _thing he's obligated to do on my ship is sit in the pilot's chair."

"Yes, Sir. I understand that. I really do."

He nodded.

Recognizing the dismissal for what it was, she took her leave, hoping she hadn't done the wrong thing. Again.

Before heading to the bridge, Jack took a few minutes to review both Cho's and Strickson's files. While what Ms Cho had said to Anneke about the practices of other captains was true, he had no idea what he could have done to give her that impression of him… he sighed and glanced at the clock. He was already twenty minutes late to relieve Jimmy. But he had one more thing to do before he went on duty…

…………………………………………………………

Kai and Lach looked startled when the Captain strode into the kitchen looking like a man on a mission.

The pair quickly stepped apart from one another, despite the fact that they hadn't actually been doing anything more than talking. The last couple of weeks things had been tense aboard the _Welshman_. The Captain was doing a good job of not taking it out on the crew, but that didn't mean the crew wasn't nervous. They'd all served under men and women who wouldn't hesitate to take their ire out on those under them.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," the senior officer said with a sly little grin. He seemed perfectly well aware that he was, it was just difficult to tell what he thought about it.

"Not at all, Sir," Lachlan McLean told him. He knew this was it… Pete Davies was either right about Harkness being an ok guy or he wasn't and he and Kai were about to find out.

Although it certainly wasn't prohibited on any ship McLean had ever heard of for the crew to act on mutual attraction, that didn't mean the Captain wanted to see it. In fact, most of the time, the Captain _didn't _want to see it, especially if the general consensus about there being something amiss between Harkness and Anders turned out to be true. While Lach wasn't one to engage in idle gossip, paying attention to the Captain's mood was something of a survival mechanism on most ships. He doubted that the _Welshman _was any exception. "What can I do for you?" he asked, presuming that since the Captain had come to the kitchen, he was the one he was looking for.

"I won't keep you kids long," he winked. They looked like a pair of little boys who had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar before supper time. "I just wanted to ask Mr McLean a favour. You don't have to run off on my account," he added in Jennings' direction when it became obvious that the other man was contemplating doing just that.

"Whatever I can do," McLean began cautiously, some of his trepidation fading. He hadn't seen the Captain smiling like that in a while… just about two weeks to be precise, which was about the time he had asked him to stop delivering breakfast to his and Mr Anders' cabin...


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One**

"_Every parting is a form of death,  
as every reunion is a type of heaven."_

Tryon Edwards

* * *

As he came to stand behind Kam's chair, towards the end of their shift, Jack cast a quick glance in An Cho's direction; she didn't seem to notice. He became aware that Kam had noticed him, however, and he smiled down at the young pilot. Their shift would be over in an hour and Jack had hardly been off the bridge since coming on duty. He'd only barely managed to keep himself from staring at the clock the whole time as he anticipated the end of the shift.

The _Welshman _was making a last sweep of the solar system, but neither Fielding nor Stasi thought there was anything left out there worth looking at; Jack was inclined to agree. Since the crew still had time left in their contracts, he gave the order for them to move out of the solar system and back into open space.

There were a couple of places in the general vicinity where he had made some good finds in the past. If he was really going to offer any of the crew serving aboard his ship a permanent contract, they were in for some major overhauls.

But he would worry about that later.

"I have to go take care of a few things," he said, mostly to Kam. "You kids need anything before I disappear?" he glanced around the bridge.

"I'm good, Sir," Weiss assured him. He'd been in a good mood all night.

"Likewise, thank you, Sir," An's voice was as soft as usual. Her tone was polite. She didn't make eye contact.

Jack wondered what she really thought of him, but he would deal with that later, too. The very worst case scenario he could think of was that he would end up having to replace her. While he appreciated Cho's abilities on the bridge, he could live with losing her. He turned his attention back to Kam. "Mr Anders?" he couldn't help the warmth that came into his tone. "You think you can handle things up here for a while?"

"Absolutely, Sir."

"Good. You have the con then." He leant in close whispering into Kam's ear, "and don't make any plans for dinner. Tonight you're all mine."

"Whatever you say, Sir," he only barely hid his grin. The next hour was going to be Hell… Jack had that look in his eye… he was planning something…Kam was sure he was going to like it.

…………………………………………………………….

By the time the young pilot got to their cabin, Jack had already showered; he was wearing just his bathrobe and a broad smile. He met the younger man at their door with welcoming kiss and a glass of wine.

Kam appreciated the kiss more than the wine, but the wine was welcome too. "Did I miss some special occasion on the calendar?" He teased, slipping out of his boots. Unlike Jack, he set his foot gear neatly by the door. While he was there, he righted Jack's as well and stood them up next to his own.

"I wanted to make up for the last couple of weeks," Jack told him. "Why don't you get a shower while I put the finishing touches on dinner?"

"You cooked?" Kam just barely refrained from groaning.

Jack laughed anyway. "No. I asked Mr McLean to make something special. And I've got a surprise for you for after dinner."

Kam's brows shot up. How in the world could Jack have arranged any sort of surprise on a ship the size of the _Welshman_…? Then again, he was Jack, after all.

"Go take your shower," he continued chuckling while Kam sipped his wine. "Just don't make it one of your usual long ones, or we'll be eating cold food."

"And here I thought you liked things that were long," he replied, deadpan, although his eyes twinkled with mirth.

"Don't get cute, Mister."

Kam just smiled and leant up to kiss him.

Jack pulled him in closer, deepening the kiss… and then shoved him in the direction of the bathroom. A hundred years… he closed his eyes. He knew it wouldn't be that long. But sixty years…eighty… _a real life together. _He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so content… _yes you can,_ he told himself.

……………………………………………

Kam took his shower as quickly as he could, then slipped into his pyjama bottoms and one of Jack's shirts. He loved the way the older man's shirts felt on his body, against his skin… the way they hung on him… the way they smelled of him, even after they'd been cleaned. He loved the way Jack looked at him when he was wearing one of his shirts… and given that Jack was wearing his robe, whatever he was planning didn't involve them leaving their cabin.

_Then again, this __**is**__ Jack,_ he thought again, a smile playing at his lips. When it came to his Captain, nothing was really a given.

He stepped into the sitting room and stopped. The lights were dimmed and artificial candles twinkled everywhere. Best of all, Glen Miller was playing over the speakers.

"May I have this dance?" Jack queried, taking the still mostly full wine glass from the younger man's hand.

Without a word, Kam slipped into his arms and into step with him easily. He laid his head against Jack's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I love this music," he murmured softly.

Jack pulled him in a little tighter, holding him snugly against his body. They really were a perfect fit.

He closed his eyes a long moment, enjoying the way the felt together… the memories that came back to him when he held Kam close… he could almost feel the wind coming off Cardiff bay…

Even though he suspected that Kam would have been perfectly happy to dance all night, after two songs, he ushered the younger man to the table, so they could eat. He watched Kam's smile when he lifted the lid off the warming plate to reveal crepes with pineapple.

He wished they'd had whipped cream, but it wasn't the sort of thing he'd ever thought he would need… but Lach had dusted the crepes with powdered sugar. It was a nice touch.

"I hope you didn't put Mr McLean through too much trouble, Cariad," said Kam, as Jack slid a couple of crepes onto his plate.

"He didn't seem to mind," he sat down opposite the other man. They drifted into easy conversation, just like always… _like nothing had ever been wrong. _

But something _had _been wrong. He had been so anxious to have Kam find his own feet that he had nearly pushed him completely away. The younger man still needed room to grow, space of his own, but he would have let Kam set his own pace. He would have to trust him to know what he needed and when. _I just hope he never out-grows me..._

After they both cleaned the last food off their plates, Jack refilled their wine glasses. He suggested that Kam grab a blanket off the bed and bring it into the sitting room while he cleared the table.

"You're not seriously going to take the dirty dishes back down to the mess dressed like that, are you?" Kam asked him.

"Actually, Lach should be here to pick them up any time now… and bring us something else," his eyes twinkled with mirth.

The young pilot couldn't help his expression. Jack was up to something and apparently it involved more than crepes and Glen Miller.

His expression made Jack laugh… Kam decided that it was a good time to do what Jack had asked him to and escape to the bedroom to get a blanket.

"And a pillow!" the Captain hollered.

Kam shook his head silently. He complied without asking why in the world Jack wanted a pillow. He had the feeling he wouldn't have told him anyway.

When he came back into the sitting room he saw that the Captain was setting up a portable computer screen on the coffee table. "I wish it was bigger," he said over his shoulder. "But it's the best I could do on short notice."

"The best you could do for what?" curosity began eating away at the younger man.

"You'll see," Jack grinned mischievously. "Just get comfortable. More wine?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Still grinning, he opened up another bottle of wine and put it within easy reach of the settee where Kam was getting settled. Then he busied himself putting the dirty dishes and cutlery together while Kam watched him, smiling despite the nervous, happy flutter in his stomach. Or maybe he was smiling because of it…he wasn't used to being the centre of attention, but whenever he was with Jack alone like this, that's how he felt. He liked it.

Finally the door chime sounded; not surprisingly, it was Lach. He was carrying a large covered bowl. Whatever was in it, it smelled unlike anything Kam had ever smelled before… and it was wonderful! Warm… toasty…

"Sorry if I'm a little late, Captain, Mr Anders," Lachlan McLean greeted the younger man briefly before turning back to the Captain. "This was… interesting, to say the least, Sir. I can't say I'm sorry I gave it a try, though," he added in an earnest tone.

After the Captain had outlined what he wanted for an after dinner snack, Lach looked it up in the ship's database just to be absolutely certain the man wasn't having one over on him as neither he nor Kai had ever heard of anything like what the Captain was asking him to fix up. Where Harkness had come across something so obscure and antiquated was anybody's guess.

"I appreciate the effort, Mr McLean," said Jack.

"Just you remember that when you're handing out bonuses, Sir," he shot over a good natured grin.

Kam leaned forward. He was having a very hard time keeping himself on the settee. It was obvious, too by his expression, that Jack was enjoying the suspense he was forcing the younger man to endure.

Lach collected the dirty dishes and wished them a good night then took his leave. As soon as he was gone, Jack dimmed the lights further and moved over to the computer terminal. "This isn't exactly like the book," he said somewhat apologetically. "But I think you'll like it. Judy Garland was one of the best actresses of her time. Of all time, as far as I'm concerned."

"What isn't like the book? And who's Judy Garland?"

"You'll see," he grinned; he hit a few buttons before joining Kam on the settee. He brought the bowl with him and set it down on the coffee table while they got settled.

"What is that?" Kam peered at the yellow-white fluffy looking things in the bowl. He had definitely never seen anything even remotely like it before.

Jack grinned all the more. "Something no movie would be complete without," he informed the younger man. "Popcorn. Extra butter," he added, remembering all hte times he'd tried to get Ianto to go easy on the butter. Kam wasn't Ianto, of course, but popcorn really was better with lots of butter and it wasn't like they couldn't work off the calories later.

It only took them a few moments to find a comfortable position; Jack draped his arm around Kam's shoulders, pulling him in close as the opening music cued up.

It only took Kam a moment to figure out what the movie was (he couldn't read the title credits, they were in English, but the voices had been dubbed over for regular dialogue; someone in infinite cinematic wisdom had left the songs in tact, giving subtitles instead over dubbing, a fact for which Jack was grateful.) He was just getting over the popcorn… it was crispy and light… slightly salty… it all but melted in his mouth… and extra butter was an understatement. He was going to have to remind Jack that while _he_ wasn't like to ever suffer a fatal heart attack, mere mortals weren't so lucky. He wanted a hundred years with Jack… but just as he was starting to say something, he realized what he was watching.

"Jack… the Wizard of Oz!"

The older man chuckled softly, pressing his lips to Kam's forehead. "I was surprised to find it in the database," he admitted. "But I thought you might enjoy dinner and a movie tonight." He shifted, getting a little more comfortable, bringing Kam in closer. They really were a perfect fit… except it looked like there were tears building up in the other man's brown eyes. "Kam?"

"I… I'm sorry," he sniffled. "It's really stupid."

"Talk to me, Sweetheart, what's the matter?"

"Nothing. It's… Jack, no one has ever cared enough about me… loved me… not like you do. You really do, don't you? Not just for today or tomorrow… but you really mean it when you say… when you say the rest of my life…? I just… I need to hear you say again… please?" he bit his lip.

Jack brushed his fingers lightly over the younger man's mouth. "Yes. I really mean it. I want you for the rest of your life."

He leant up and kissed him… it wasn't hard or heavy, but it was wonderful just the same.

……………………………………………………

By the time Dorothy was back home in Kansas, Kam was stretched out on the settee, his head resting on a pillow in Jack's lap, his eyes half closed. A dreamy smile played on his lips; he'd never felt so content… Jack's hand was wrapped around his, their fingers interlaced. The empty popcorn bowl lay on the floor. He knew this must be how everybody spent evenings alone with the person they loved… he reckoned most people must take it for granted… but he couldn't imagine ever taking anything like the last couple of hours for granted.

Jack had spent most of the movie watching Kam's instead of the screen. The younger man had confirmed his suspicions when he admitted that he'd never seen a movie before.

Films weren't as popular as they had been five hundred years ago… or even a hundred years ago. With so many pass times to choose from, so much technology, the people who could afford to go to the cinema had other things they wanted to do more. People like Kam's mother simply couldn't afford the luxury. Long gone were the days of five cent matinees…

Jack ran his free hand lightly over his lover's cheek. "Time for bed, Sweetheart," he said softly. He looked exhausted.

Kam smiled up at him. "That was wonderful, Jack. Thank you. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," he leant down. He hadn't intended the kiss to be much more than pressing his lips to the younger man's mouth, but Kam had other ideas… "Careful, or we'll both need a cold shower," he teased when he finally got the chance to speak again.

"I don't mind… I mean… you know what I mean," he shot a sleepy grin in Jack's direction.

The Captain smiled and helped him sit up. "Yes I do. But tonight I'd like to just… be with you." He hoped Kam would understand.

The last two weeks he'd been all over the younger man, desperately trying to prove to him that he should stay, that it would be worth if he did… desperately trying to enjoy every moment they had together as he became increasingly convinced it wasn't going to last very much longer… as he became increasingly unhappy because as great as the sex was, he wanted so very much more… "Do you mind?" he asked when Kam didn't answer right away.

"No," he pulled his Captain into another, much softer, kiss. He understood exactly what Jack wanted. He wanted the same thing. Just to be with him, to lie next to him. To feel his arms around him and know that even if...when... he woke up in the middle of the night to find Jack gone, that he hadn't gone far. "I don't mind at all."

"Go on to bed. I'll just clean up a little out here…"

Kam gave him an incredulous look. "You? Clean? Don't tell me I've finally met the man of dreams and now the Universe is going to come to an end."

Jack's glower was tempered by the smirk he couldn't have kept off his lips if he'd tried. "I'm just going to put a couple things away. The Universe _will _go on."

"If you say so."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty Two**

_Love doesn't make the world go 'round;  
love is what makes the ride worthwhile._

Franklin P. Jones

* * *

Jack looked up as his office door slid open; it was Kam. He was carrying two cups of coffee.

The Captain leant back in his chair. "You should be asleep, you know," he couldn't help the smile that played at the corners of his mouth, however.

Kam smiled in return. "And yet you don't look disappointed to see me," he countered.

"Never."

The younger man chuckled.

Jack took in the sight of him as he crossed the distance between them. In a day or two they would be back at Omega station. The cargo hold was full; the haul looked exceptionally good. Best of all, he and Kam had fallen into a comfortable, easy rhythm…_like we've been doing this all our lives…_

Kam still had moments of insecurity when he needed to be reassured. Jack found himself having to say 'I love you' more than he ever had in the past, but he didn't mind. He hoped that some day Kam wouldn't need to heart it so much, that he would just know, never doubt, but that would take time.

For the last seven years, Kam had had his self esteem battered away at; he'd been told that he was good for one thing and one thing only and that as soon as his looks showed the slightest sign of fading, he would be useless… Jack was certain that in a few years, when he started to really notice he wasn't a kid any more, things would get rough. But he would be there. As long as Kam wanted him around, he would always be there.

He set Jack's down at his elbow and leant against his desk, his own cup in hand. "Shift starts in two hours," he said taking a sip of coffee.

Jack blinked; he looked at the clock. The young pilot was right. "I guess I lost track of time," he said.

"I reckoned as much."

"How long have you been awake?"

He shrugged. "Long enough to get a shower, make some coffee. Come find you." It wasn't unusual for him to get up and bring Jack a cup of coffee in the middle of the night.

The Captain shifted in his seat. "I'm glad you're here. There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Worry flickered across the younger man's face; they were almost at Omega. The last month had been so good… There was a part of him that was more than a little afraid it wasn't going to last. It couldn't…

He forced a smile and took another sip of his coffee.

"I need to start talking to the crew about bonuses," Jack's tone sounded cautious. "And contracts."

Kam nodded to indicate that he was listening. Their contracts would be up in another month... _his _contract... So far there was only speculation about whether or not the Captain was planning on keeping any of the crew on… hopeful speculation…

Jack motioned him around so he could look at the computer screen. "This is our estimated profit," he said, calling up the numbers on the screen; it was a conservative estimate, but still impressive. "I talked it over with Jimmy. We're offering a five percent bonus this trip." That was double what he usually paid out, but Kam wouldn't know that.

The younger man looked from the computer screen to him and back again, clearly at a loss for words; between his bonus and his contract, he wasn't going to owe Jack anything.

"You kids earned it," the Captain said in an earnest tone.

Kam nodded. He didn't meet Jack's gaze. His debt was the one logical argument he could use with himself when he got too scared for any of the other arguments to work. Promises could be broken. Words didn't mean anything. People lied, even when they didn't mean to. They fell out of love. Got tired of each other.

But as long as he still owed Jack money, he would have to keep him on. Only now it was clear that he didn't owe Jack any money. All he had left to hang onto were words. He trusted Jack, he really did, but it was so easy for people to change their minds, even when maybe they didn't want to. Hearts had minds of their own.

"There's another option," Jack went on.

"There is?" asked Kam, trying very hard to keep the fears that were bubbling up inside from overtaking him.

"You can take two percent of the actual profit… whatever we actually make when I go sell off the load," he explained patiently. "It could be more or less than the estimated number… but Jimmy usually estimates pretty conservatively, so it'll probably be a little bit more. It's still less than five percent, though" he added.

Kam nodded. "What difference does it make… I mean… why two choices?" he asked. He hadn't gotten the impression from any of the conversations he'd overheard that anyone was expecting a choice. It sounded like the Captain would just give them whatever he felt like giving them. Most of the crew seemed to be counting on Jack's generosity. They all seemed to like him. To trust him.

They all knew that ultimately liking and trusting didn't matter. Bonuses were at the discretion of the Captain. There was no guarantee of anything, only hopefulness.

"The second option comes with long term contract," Jack told him.

"How… how long term?" Was he really saying… did long term apply to him too? Was he saying he really wanted him… all of them… including him… ?

"Pretty much for as long as anybody wants to stick around," said Jack. "As long as we continue operating with a crew of fifteen or sixteen we can run it with a five or six percent split of real profit… profit minus actual expenses," he explained. "The rest goes on maintenance." He brought up the numbers to show him what it would look like if he were using that formula to calculate crew pay for this haul.

Kam felt his jaw going slack; he hadn't been paying attention to much past the point where Jack said he could stay on as long as he wanted. "That's a lot of money…" not that he cared about the money. He just wanted to stay. But it still seemed like a lot of money.

"You have to remember we only do two, maybe three hauls a year," the older man cautioned him. "And they're not always good. There've been times when Jim and I barely scrapped by. Salvage is a rough trade, Kam. We've run into pirates, smugglers…the Empire. It's not an easy life and not everything I do is legal. The penalties for getting caught can be pretty steep. So far I've been lucky… but…" he ended in a shrug. There really was no telling what tomorrow was going to bring living out on the rim. "We've had some close calls."

"I don't care. Jack, I want to be with you. Whatever that means I have to do, I'll do it. If you're offering me the same contract as everybody else…?" he bit his lip. That was what Jack was saying, wasn't it?

He nodded. He had considered other options… and the truth was that he hoped someday Kam would be more to him than an employee… a partner in more ways than one… but for now, he knew it was better to keep their business and personal relationships separated. "This is the contract I'm offering anyone who wants to stay on," he said. "You have your choice…"

"I'll take the two percent," he said without hesitation. "I want to stay. I want to be with you."

Jack reached up and pulled the younger man down into his lap; he wrapped his arms around him. "Kam, I don't want you going into this blindly…"

"It doesn't matter whether I'm going in blindly or not. I know what I want. I want you. I want you for the rest of my life. Nothing else matters."

"I want you, too," Jack pressed his lips against the younger man's mouth. "There's something else we need to talk about, though."

Kam frowned. What else could there be?

"I don't have to offer everyone a choice, Kam. I can just pay up on contracts, pay out bonuses…"

"But you said…?"

"My ship, my rules," he reminded the younger man. "I don't have to ask anyone to stay on if I don't want to. If you don't want me to."

"What?"

"You're my partner…"

He blinked, confused. "I thought… Mr Smeed…"

"Jimmy's my business partner, Sweetheart. You're the man I go to bed with at night. There's a big difference. And if I ever have to chose, Jim already knows I'd choose you over him."

Kam felt his jaw go slack again. "I thought… I thought you… you've been together…" he didn't really know how long Jack and Mr Smeed had been friends, but it must have been a long time. He knew how much Jack trusted his First Officer.

"We've known each other for thirty years," said Jack.

"Does… does that mean that Mr Smeed knows… about you?" He had to… thirty years… "Does he know?"

"Jimmy was your age when we met," he told him, a wry smile playing across his lips as he remembered how young James had been when they first met. "He knows I can't die, Kam. He knows how old I am. Where I come from. There's a lot he doesn't know. But… he and I were lovers," he told him. Kam deserved to know.

"You… and Mr Smeed…?" _**lovers?**_

"Does that bother you?"

"No. No, I just… I never thought about it, I guess."

"It was a long time ago."

Kam nodded. There were lots of people in Jack's past, he knew that, it didn't bother him. Even though the situation was different, there were lots of people in his past, too. Jack never held it against him. "Can I ask why you broke up?"

"He couldn't handle growing old in front of me." He gave the young man a speculative look…

"I don't mind, Jack."

"You haven't found your first grey hair yet, either"

"If my choice is growing old in front of you or without you… it's not a hard choice to make, Cariad."

"All right." If some day Kam woke up and decided he didn't want to be with someone who was never really going to grow old, he would just have to deal with it. Some how. In the meantime, however… "Is there anyone aboard the _Welshman_ you don't want me to keep on? Anyone you don't want to have to work with?" he asked.

"No. Everybody's fine."

"I mean it. You have a say in this. I won't keep on _anyone_ who makes you uncomfortable, Kam."

"I'm really ok with everybody," he insisted.

"Even Mr Stasi?"

Kam was quiet a long while; he didn't meet Jack's gaze. "It seems like he's good at his job. I know that's important. He hasn't said or done anything to me since that last time. Since he and I had words. I'm ok with you keeping him on. I would tell you if I wasn't."

Jack nodded. Then he asked if there was anyone else who had ever given Kam any trouble.

"No," he seemed surprised by the question. "Why?"

"I just… I needed to make sure."

Kam bit his lip. "Have… have you heard something I haven't…?"

"Maybe."

"Jack, either you have or you haven't."

He sighed. Kam had a point. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable with someone if I don't have to, Sweetheart."

"Will it ever stop? Will people ever see me as… as just a person?"

"Kam…?"

"No one else has said anything to me. I would tell you if they had," he promised. "I just… I want to be like everybody else."

"You are," he pulled him in close. "And I love you." He pressed his lips against Kam's... he felt the younger man's tongue playing at his lips and gave in immediately, letting Kam take control of the kiss, relishing it… savouring it. "How much longer did you say we had until our shift starts?" he queried mischievously when he was allowed up for air.

Kam returned his smile. "Long enough, as long as you don't want to do anything too complicated."

"Works for me…"

………………………………………………

"I never asked," Kam said as they put themselves back together. "What is that thing?" he nodded to the box that was sitting on Jack's desk.

He gathered the younger man into his arms and held him a long moment. "It's nothing, Sweetheart."

"Nothing?" Kam asked, perplexed.

"It… it's _nothing_."

"But you went through all that trouble…"

Jack shook his head. "It's alien," he explained. "We found it when I was living on earth. John… borrowed… it… disappeared. The next time I heard from him was a hundred and sixty five years ago," he paused to press his lips to the other man's neck. "I never figured out exactly how it works, just that it's supposed to show you the future… or the past."

"That's not nothing, Cariad," he pulled himself free so they could both put their shirts back on.

"The future is always in flux. Everything we do affects what happens next. No one can predict the future."

"What about you? You've been there. You were born there. You're always talking like you know what's going to happen…"

He pulled Kam to him again. "Time is… it's fluid. I've seen things… lived through things… that weren't in the history books when I was growing up."

"Maybe it just wasn't important enough…" the fifty first century was a long way off. Who was to say what was going to be considered important…

Jack shook his head. "It was important enough, trust me." The Daleks… the Medusa Cascade. That would have been in the history books if it had happened… but it did happen.

"So… the _past _changed…?"

"Yeah. The past is as fluid as the future, I guess."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"Jack…"

"I really don't know, Sweetheart. I just know that it changed. When that happened, the future changed, too."

"But you still talk about the future like you know what's going to happen."

"That's because so far this, what's happening in the Human Empire, was all in the history books when I was a kid."

Kam regarded him a moment. "You could change it, though, couldn't you? You know what's supposed to happen… you could change it… make it better."

"No. I wish I could. But one man isn't enough… and even if I knew just what to do make things better, doing it would create a paradox. Trust me, Kam, paradox is… it's Hell."

He leant back against Jack's desk, chewing it over. Past. Present. Paradox… future… "So… how do you know you know you were supposed to… to help me? How do you know we were meant to be together? This isn't your time. What if… what if you changed history by being here? What if…?"

"Shhhh," he stepped in and took Kam's hands into his own. "Some things are worth the risk of paradox," he brought the younger man's hands up to his lips_. "You_ are worth the risk. Besides, for all we know I did exactly what I was supposed to do. Maybe I was always meant to be here. Maybe this was always meant to happen… has happened… will happen."

"Topsy turvy, timey wimey?" said Kam.

Jack laughed. "Exactly." He leant in kissed him. "Come on. We should get some breakfast and then get to work. Do you want me to ask Mr McLean to bring something to the cabin?"

Kam shook his head, "It's late."

"I'm the Captain. I can be late."

"I'm not. I can't."

"A quick bite in the mess, then?" Jack offered.

"Sounds good."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty Three**

_You may be disappointed if you fail,  
but you are doomed if you don't try. _

Beverly Sills

* * *

Kai Jennings and the rest of the bridge crew arrived at the mess later than the rest of the day shift. Tables had already been pulled together for them. Early on in their contract, the day shift had started taking first and last meals together at one big table. Kai couldn't remember who had started it… maybe Buddy.

The rest of the day shift looked up as the three members of the bridge crew came into the mess; they were late because they'd stayed on the bridge while Harkness made his announcement over the intercom. He was offering every member of the crew a choice. A fat bonus or long term contract.

_"I am proud of each and every one of you and I would be pleased to keep any… all… of you on permanently…"_

Kai couldn't remember the last time he'd heard words like 'proud' or 'pleased' come out of a Captain's mouth. Bonuses were given out begrudgingly, contracts paid up with indifference. Having a crew was the cost of doing business for most Captains. They had men and women aboard their ships so they didn't have to get their own hands dirty.

But Harkness did get his hands dirty. He went out with the salvage crews and took the same chances as everybody else. He cut up scrap metal to ready it for sale. He even sat in on card games without giving the impression he expected to win.

They'd let him win at first, of course, he was the Captain; besides, he was a good player. Just having him sit down with the crew was enough to make them nervous… until the one game he played so badly it was obvious he'd lost on purpose to make a point. After that, everybody just played a square game. Harkness was a graceful a loser as he was a winner.

It was a stark contrast to the first few weeks Kai had spent aboard the _Welshman, _when the Captain seemed to hardly venture out of his office – when they were all afraid of him, especially after they heard how Fletcher and Leese had turned up dead on Omega.

Kai had come very close to jumping ship at the Station himself. If Roberta hadn't talked him into staying…

He sat down in the first empty chair he came to and waited impatiently for Lach to finish serving dinner. There was more than one reason Kai was glad he'd stayed on the _Welshman._

He only barely paid attention to the chatter at the table; everyone was discussing the Captain's offer. It was a fair one, to be sure. Two percent of actual profit… an equal contract for anyone who stayed on. That was unheard of, Captains _always_ played favourites.

But even if the crew suspected he might have offered Mr Anders something a little better than two percent, no one seemed to begrudge the young pilot. He shared the Captain's bed, but he never used his position against anyone. Gods knew, he could. They'd all served on ships where the Captain's 'pet' made their position painfully clear, demanding preferential treatment at every turn. Usually they got away with it, too.

_I sure did…_ Kai thought sullenly.

He'd been young and pretty once and he wasn't particularly proud of the way he'd used his looks… not that he was necessarily old or unattractive, he was only twenty seven. He still looked good. But compared to Kam Anders? The only person on board who even came _close_ to Anders was the Doc… and maybe the Captain. Definitely the Captain. There was more to that man than blue eyes and dimples…

Another attractive man got his attention just then. He'd been watching for Lach to drop off the last plate. Kai excused himself from the table and hurried into the kitchen where Lach was fixing his own plate to come and join the day shift at their table – that also become the norm over the last couple of months. Kai wasn't sure if it had anything to do with him or not… he hoped it did, but he was trying so very hard not to read too much into anything the other did.

The cook smiled when he saw it was Kai. "Need something?" he queried playfully.

"Got a minute?"

"For you? I've got lots of minutes."

Kai felt his heart beating a little faster. "Are you going to stay?" he asked hopefully… nervously. He would have liked to have made a little small talk first, but he was too anxious. He wanted to stay, but only if…

"Are you?"

"I want to. But…" he gave the cook an uncertain look. Maybe he was pushing too hard. His ex had accused him over and over of being the most smothering man he'd ever known, that's why he'd broken up with him. It was why Kai tried to keep a respectable distance from Lach, even after they started sharing one another's beds. He liked Lach. A lot. He might even be falling in love with him. He didn't want to suffocate him… to push him away.

"I gave up a 'real' job to take a gamble on Harkness," Lachlan reminded him.

"So… you're… staying?" Kai asked him again.

"I want to. Of course if you say you aren't, I might have to reconsider," his tone was cautious. It was hard to read Kai, some times. He could be amorous one moment and aloof the next.

Even after they'd started sleeping together, there were times when it seemed like Kai was only half interested in his company. Other times he looked at him like he was now, like he really wanted something serious out of what they were doing, but he didn't know how to say it… or that maybe he was afraid to.

Lach gave over a smile that melted the other man's heart. "I like you, Kai. A lot. Maybe more than a lot. I'm not trying to push…" he added, just in case he was misreading him…

"I like you too. A lot. Really a lot. I just… I didn't want to push you either," he admitted, his heart beating faster.

Lach almost laughed. "You? Push?" he questioned in an incredulous tone.

"I mean it. I can be really possessive. When… when I like someone, I tend to want them all for myself. If… it it's serious, I mean," he found himself looking at everything but the man in front of him. "I'm not saying… that is, if you want… to go slow… or to… to have other people in your bed, that's ok with me," he lied. It wasn't ok… but he didn't have any rights to demand anything of the other man and he knew it. "All I'm asking is that you tell if you're sleeping with other people. I don't like surprises, not like that. I don't need to know where you are twenty four hours a day or anything…"

At that, Lach did laugh, "Kai, darlin', this ship isn't that big. You're going to know _exactly_ where I am twenty four hours a day!" he teased.

Kai smiled too. He couldn't help it. It had been a long time since he'd felt so good around someone… he didn't want to screw things up. "Just tell me if I'm moving too fast," he said in a soft tone. "I'll slow it down if you ask me to…." _don't just dump me one day out of the blue… _

"You're not moving too fast. And for the record, I have never been one to have a rotating bedroom door. I don't care what other folks do," he added for clarity's sake. "But for me… I only have so much to give and I'd rather give it all to one person. If it's serious." He gave the other a speculative look. When Kai didn't answer right away, he lifted his chin so he had no choice but to meet his gaze dead on. "What you see is what you get, Kai. No surprises. I don't mind a guy who's a little possessive. It lets me know I'm wanted. I'm not afraid to tell somebody to back down, either, if it ever bothers me."

Kai leant in; Lach met his kiss half way. "You are _definitely_ wanted," he told him when they parted lips several long moments later. "And I promise to back down if you ask me to."


	24. Chapter 24

**

* * *

**

sorry this took so long; I had a really bad week. We had an outbreak of some sort of icky white fungus or mould (probably SAP, if anyone knows about icky fishy issues) in my fish tank and even though I treated it, we've lost my entire school of Bosmani Rainbows and most of the Neon Rainbows I had. We had to euthanize about half a dozen of the casualities. Humanely, of course (ok, I made my husband get the last three, I couldn't do it any more). I'd had the Bosmani's for over a year. The poor Matagascar Rainbow is swimming around the nearly empty tank neurotically looking for all his friends. I'm desperately hoping he isn't infected too... he's one of only four rainbow fish in the tank who didn't get sick ::knocks on wood::

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

_In all institutions from which the cold wind of open criticism is excluded, an innocent corruption begins to grow…_

Friedrich Nietzsche

* * *

An Cho watched the Captain carefully as he made his announcement; she had heard the same 'rumour' everyone else had, that Harkness was going to offer at least a few of the crew the chance to stay on. The cynical side of her nature hadn't allowed her to believe it was true, even though she had as much faith in Pete Davies as she had in anyone. Which wasn't much.

It wasn't faith that had made An take this job, it was desperation. Her position on Omega Station had been terminated a few weeks before Davies came to her with the contract from the _Welshman_... The economy being what it was and all, or she'd been told when she was let go… she had her own suspicions.

The men and women who ran Great and Bountiful Human Empire weren't known for their forgiving natures. Some years back she had made waves…asked questions. Demanded answers. She was lucky the worst that had happened to her was being stripped of her Certification. She could have been thrown in prison… unlike her dayshift counterpart on the _Welshman_, An was a Certified communications specialist. Or at least she had been…because she'd made choices in her life…

She glanced at Mr Anders. He was so young… so… no, he wasn't innocent, but it wasn't his fault. He had been innocent once but that had been taken away from him far sooner than it should have been.

She looked to the Captain again; he was finishing up his announcement, telling the crew that they had twenty four hours to mull over their options.

It was a tempting offer; it was made more so by the fact that Harkness seemed decent enough on every other count except for Mr Anders. She hadn't known about him when she signed onto the_ Welshman_. She'd heard some scuttlebutt, but she didn't like to listen to rumours.

Then she saw Mr Anders, saw the way the Captain looked at him, the way he barely let him out of his sight. She saw the boy's wrists. She figured it out.

The scars were faint, she gave Harkness that. He had paid out a good bit of money to get the tattoos removed professionally. Red Houses marked their property deeply, if a hack had been employed to remove the tattoos, Anders' wrists would have been very badly scarred.

But no matter how much money he'd paid, there would have been some telltale signs left, there was no avoiding it. She wondered who could afford to be so vain to pay out that much money _just_ to erase somebody else's ownership. He could have much more cheaply had the tattoos inked over, made some new design.

She watched as Harkness walked up behind Anders' chair and laid his hand on the young man's shoulder… moved it to the back of his neck, his possessiveness evident. She could believe he'd killed to keep what was his, what he must have paid handsomely for. Anders was attractive… even tempered… young. _So __**very **__young. _

She doubted the Red House had been done with him when the Captain secured him for himself; Anders should have had at least three or four more years left of Serving before they would have been ready to sell him off to the highest bidder. The House could have made a lot of money in those three or four years. It must have cost Harkness a small fortune to buy out Anders' contract, to buy his Service for himself.

She couldn't imagine how a salvage ship Captain had come by that kind of money… but there was no telling what he did besides scavenging old wrecks. He had clearly been interested in something more than just scrap metal aboard the _Janus and Hestia_… and the way he'd dumped the derelict ship's entire data base in a matter of minutes…? He must have used some sort of alien tech. The use of alien technology was strictly prohibited by the Great and Bountiful Human Empire. Not that she was exactly a loyal Empire citizen herself, not any more. A n could work for someone who broke the law.

The irony of it was that buying out Anders' contract, using him… that _wasn't _breaking any laws. What the Red Houses did was legal. Service Providers like Mr Andes were 'contract' employees. It didn't matter that they never saw any money themselves, they were just children when the agreements were drawn up. They had no rights.

Instead, the Red House paid out large single-payment contracts to desperate, destitute parents, promising that that their children would have good food, three meals a day, their own rooms, nice clothes… an easy life. What the parents weren't told was that when cyprians were too old to Serve, their contracts would be sold to private citizens, all perfectly legally.

And eventually Anders wouldn't be young and pretty any more; Harkness could turn around and sell his contract to someone else… a mining colony… a factory planet… worse. Nobody cared.

But even though An would have liked to have believed she wouldn't have taken a contract with Jack Harkness if she had known about Mr Anders, she wasn't sure she could say that, even to herself. She needed the job.

Maybe, she thought, she should just accept that the whole damned Universe was corrupt and take her place in it. There were worse places for someone like her to end up than serving under a man like Jack Harkness... and maybe it was Karma. Her Certification had come at a price…

Avi Stasi was watching the Captain, too.

He'd been given the same impression everyone else had when he first signed onto the _Welshman,_ that if things went well, Harkness would consider offering long term contracts to some of the crew. After the incident between he and Anders, however, he hadn't expected to be one of them… not that he necessarily expected a long term contact anyway. He was good at what he did. Damned good. But he had no formal training, just a lifetime of salvaging junk out on the rim… a lifetime of one-shot contracts, short term work. That wasn't the kind of resume that garnered a lot of offers of permanent employment… he'd never even been able to secure a Letter of Recommendation.

So even though Harkness had just said he would keep any of them on who wanted to stay, Stasi expected that sooner or later the Captain or Smeed would pull him aside and say 'not you.'

It had been a stupid, arrogant mistake, but a mistake none the less, and mistakes, he knew from personal experiences weren't tolerated. Harkness might have kept him around after he apologized to Anders because he needed him, but Omega was full men and women hungry for work. Men and women who wouldn't make the same kind of mistake he had made.

"Anyone need to take a break?" the Captain asked. The shift had just started. He was generous in his attitude towards letting the crew get up and stretch their legs… answering nature's call, or getting a quick bite to eat… but typically no one took a break so soon.

No one answered right away.

Jack let his gaze settle on Carsten Weiss. "Crewman…?" he queried.

When he had given the crew twenty four hours to think about his offer, what he really meant was for them to confer amongst themselves; he was fairly certain Weiss would want to confer with Tolbert. Things were quiet enough on the bridge that he could let Weiss go for a bit, especially with Stasi on deck. Stasi and Fielding spent their shifts split between the bridge and cargo hold… at the moment, the whole ship was running smooth. Quiet. Just the way Jack liked it.

Carsten gave him an uncertain look… at first it had been difficult to decide what to make of the Captain's generosity. Even after five months, it was sometimes hard to figure Harkness out.

Carsten had been told by another Captain on another ship, when he asked for five minutes to hit the head, that he could either hold it until the end of his shift (he had had a good six hours left) or piss in his seat, the Captain didn't care… but if he chose the latter, he'd better be prepared to clean it up – _after _his shift ended. Captain Harkness wasn't like that. Even so… but then Kam nudged his leg under the console.

"I… wouldn't mind just a quick minute, Sir," said the Crewman. "If… if that's really all right…?"

Jack smiled. "Take as much time as you need, Mr Weiss. I'll be more than happy to keep your seat warm for you," he winked, sliding in comfortably in next to Kam as soon as Weiss had vacated his post. "Assuming my Pilot has no objections?"

"None at all, Sir," Kam's tone was dry, but Jack saw the sparkle of mirth that flashed across his brown eyes. He suspected that he was the only one to notice…

…………………………………………………………..

"Jim," Anna greeted the First Officer with a welcoming smile. And not just because he was carrying two cups of coffee. "I was just finishing up my final reports for your files."

He hid the disappointment from his face, but he couldn't keep it out of his tone. "Sounds like you're not planning on sticking around," he said.

"I… I honestly don't know," she accepted the mug from his hand and leaned back in her chair. Smeed took a seat on the edge of her desk.

"I really never envisioned myself a ship's doctor, Jim."

"Worse places to live than on a ship."

She gave him a sharp, startled look… but no, it didn't look as if he knew about her past… prison… he was just making a comment. "I know," she said anyway, letting earnestness creep into her voice.

"We've all been in rough spots, Anna," Jim told her, seeming to understand at least part of what she was – and wasn't – saying.

"Some of us have been in rougher spots than others."

He flashed a wry grin down at her. "You shoulda seen me when Jackie first picked me up off the streets." He shook his head at the memory. No family, no money… no real education to speak of. But then there was Jack, doing his Knight in Shining Armour impersonation… or… no, it wasn't an impersonation; it was who he really was. And for a while it had been good…

He noticed the look Anna was giving him. "Trying to imagine it?" Jim queried, still smiling.

"Something like that. It's… some of the things he says…"

He waved it aside, "If you want to know about Jack, you'd better ask him."

"It's not… maybe it is," she admitted. When the Captain had finally consented to her giving him a physical, she had found very little out of the ordinary. He was in perfect health… _absolutely_ perfect health… which in and of itself was out of the ordinary.

There were a few old, very faded, scars… a few minor anomalies internally. Clearly they were modifications, the result of some sort of surgery. The technique used was beyond her ability to comprehend and when she asked him about what it was for, he just smirked and told her he was never, _ever_ going to let himself get talked into getting pregnant again. But that _had_ to be a joke. "I guess I'm still trying to figure him out," she admitted.

"Take a word from the wise… or at least as wise as you want to consider this old fool t'be," he shot over a merry wink. "Don't try t'figure Jackie out. He is who he is… what he is."

"I don't know what he is."

"Does it really matter?"

She sighed and drank her coffee. He had a point.

"He's a good man, Anna. A good Captain. A good friend."

"And there are worse places to end up than under a good man…" she mused aloud. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, however, she flushed a deep shade of crimson.

"I don't think I'll be repeating that to the Captain," Jim told her. His tone was brusque, but the laughter in his eyes was unmistakable.

"You know exactly what I meant, James Smeed!"

He laughed, "I also know what you said."

"I guess I'm going to have to learn to be more careful what I say… if… if I decide to stay on," she added hesitantly, unable to believe that she was really, seriously, considering it. Over a man, no less… a man who hadn't done more than bring her coffee… a man who made her laugh. A man who made her feel good just by being in the same room as her…

It was a man, she reminded herself, who had hurt her in the first place – not that she blamed all men for what her fiancé had done. She didn't. But she did realize how impermanent the moods of the heart really were, how easily promises could be broken, trust shattered. She couldn't make a decision like whether or not to stay aboard the _Welshman_ based on a school-girl crush… could she?

Jim slid off the desk and knelt so they were eye level. "Stay, Anna," his tone was soft. When he reached for her hand, she let him have it; his hands were rough, calloused, but his touch was light. His hands were warm. Strong. "It would mean a lot to… to a lot of us if stayed on. It would mean a lot to me."

"Maybe… maybe it's time I told you something about myself, just so… so the air is… clear."

"I'll listen to anything you have to say. But don't expect it to change anything."

"No. I don't think it will," she conceded. "But I think you have to live with too many half-truths and secrets where Jack is concerned. I don't want to have to live with them from me, too."

"Sounds fair."


	25. Chapter 25

**Yay, I did it… long abouts Chapter 20, I decided I wanted to stop at Chapter 25 and I did it, this is the perfect place to end! (Not that it's the final end, there will be another story, I already have ideas roaming around my head, but this is the perfect place to end this story…)**

**Thank you so much for all your kind words, especially about my fish… the big Madagascar Rainbow is doing all right (other than being lonely), but it looks like I'm going to lose at least one of the other survivors… ::sad sigh::**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five**

_Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived._

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, played by Patrick Stewart, from the film "Star Trek: Generations"

* * *

"Déjà vu," Jack said softly as Kam eased the _Welshman_ into their assigned spot in the busy Omega Station Docking Bay.

"Not really. The last time we were leaving. Sir," he added almost as an afterthought.

The Captain chuckled. "One of these days I'm going to write you up for insubordination," he teased.

"I'm sure you will."

His tone made Jack laugh harder. He laid both hands on the young pilot's shoulders and leant in, pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head, heedless of the presence of the rest of the bridge crew.

There was a time when he never would have been so demonstrative of his affection while he was on duty, but it seemed that the more publicly he displayed his fondness for the younger man… _my partner,_ he told himself happily… the more confident Kam seemed to become in their relationship. That confidence bled over into other areas of his life as well.

The reverse was also true: as Kam became more confident in himself, in his abilities as a pilot – as a person – he became confident in _them _as a couple. All in all it was a rather pleasant cycle, Jack thought, especially since the more confident Kam became, the more confident _he_ became, the more certain he felt that Kam wouldn't out grow him some day. That he would really always love him…

Besides, it was his ship, his rules. If he wanted to kiss his boyfriend on the bridge, who was going to stop him?

The _Welshman _came to rest on the landing deck with a quiet thunk. Weiss signalled the engine room to come to a full stop… a moment later the engines hissed… and were silent.

"Nice landing, Mr Anders. Mr Weiss," he nodded at the other young man. He and Tolbert were staying on… in fact there were only two crewmen who hadn't come to him long before their twenty four hours were up to say that they wanted to stay.

Of them, the only one that had been a surprise was An Cho; Jack hadn't expected her to stay on, but she was. He had some trepidation, but as long as she did her job and didn't cause problems… he glanced at her only briefly. She looked mildly uncomfortable. Something in her expression made Jack tighten his grip on Kam's shoulders slightly. She looked away.

There was nothing in An's file to tell him what she'd done to lose her Certification and long gone were the days when he could simply tap into the government's database… or ask someone like Tosh or Mickey… Abby… Tim… _damn, I miss you guys. Even after five hundred years… we had a Hell of a team._ Jack looked back to the young man who was smiling up at him.

"Thank you, Sir," said Kam. His smile was pure joy and it had little to do with how much he loved Jack… but he did love him.

Jack let his gaze linger a moment longer before turning his attention back to the rest of the bridge crew. "You all did fantastic jobs out there," he told them. "Just remember what I said about not celebrating too hard." He cautioned; he had given the entire crew twenty four hours leave. They'd earned it. But after that, they were expected to be on the ship during their regular shifts even though the _Welshman_ wasn't scheduled to depart from Omega for a few days.

His smile warmed to a mischievous grin as he dismissed the crew. He had his own celebrating in mind… however, "Mr Stasi, can I have a word?" he said before Stasi had made his exit with the others.

Stasi didn't say anything, he just nodded and stayed where he was instead of leaving with the rest.

Jack noticed Kam lingering at the door, a questioning look on his face. "I won't be long," he promised. "Meet me at Bessie's?"

Kam blinked, momentarily surprised… but then he smiled. It would be nice to see Henry Fitzroy again. He owed him so much. "Shall I get us a table?" he queried before taking his leave.

The older man nodded. "And I'd tell you to kiss His Majesty hello for me, but I'm afraid you _both _might enjoy it a little too much," he added, teasing.

"The proper title would be His Grace, Sir," Kam corrected him without missing a beat.

It was Jack's turn to blink. If Kam said he knew that because he knew everything….

"I looked it up."

The Captain flashed one of those smiles that Kam didn't understand… but it didn't matter, he liked them anyway.

"Just stay out of trouble until I get there," said Jack.

"I'll certainly try my best, Sir." He leant in; Jack met the kiss half way. It was just a quick kiss, but it made him feel good to know the Captain didn't mind kissing him in front of other people; besides, technically they were both off duty now so it didn't really matter what they did. But it felt good anyway. "Mr Stasi," he nodded politely to the other man. Stasi, it seemed, had been doing a good job of looking at everything _except_ them. Kam had no idea what it was about he and Jack that made the man so uncomfortable… he didn't care much either.

Stasi returned the nod stiffly. He waited until Anders had left the bridge to turn his attention to the Captain; he wouldn't have gotten Harkness' attention before that anyway. Harkness always watched his…whatever Anders really was to him…like he was undressing him with his eyes. He cleared his throat. "You wanted something, Sir?"

Jack leant up against the console. "I was wondering why you hadn't come to see me about your contract, Mr Stasi."

"I… assumed you'd be paying contracts out after you sold off the load," he began in an uncertain tone. He'd known when the Captain asked him to stay behind that he wanted to discuss his contract. Or to tell him that he was being left at Omega. It was his ship, he could do whatever he wanted.

Legally, he was still obliged out for a full six months even if he dumped someone off before their time was up, but Stasi knew that if it came to it, no magistrate would ever rule against a Captain. He was free to break contracts, slight his crew in whatever way he felt like, just because he felt like it.

Jack studied him a moment. "So I take it you're not staying?" he asked.

"I… just assumed that didn't really apply to me, Sir." No reason to lie to him.

"What gave you that idea?"

"I'm sure you're aware of… the… incident…" he left it hanging, not sure how much he should really say; Smeed's warning had been enough to frighten some sense into him.

"I was under the impression that that was a one time… 'incident'." Jack's tone was sharp. He couldn't help it. He wasn't sure he was even trying to. If Kam was covering for the man…

"Yes, Sir," Stasi was quick to agree that it had definitely been a one time thing. "It was a mistake on my part, Sir," he added hastily.

Jack nodded. "In which case, you're welcome to stay on, Mr Stasi. Of course if you decide not to, I'll have a word with Mr Smeed about getting you a Letter…"

"Sir?" he blinked, shocked.

"That… indiscretion… on your part aside, you did a good job out there. You earned it."

"I… I'm really not sure what to say."

Jack shrugged. " 'Thank you' is the customary response."

"Thank you, Captain."

"You're welcome," he straightened, shoving his hands into his pockets. "But I still need to know if you're staying on or if I need to find myself another salvage expert."

"I… I would like to stay on… as long as…" he paused. "What's the catch?"

"Catch?" he asked, his brows knitting together.

"With all due respect, there has to be something. Nobody gives anybody anything for nothing." The Universe just didn't work that way and Harkness was offering a sweet contract. Between five and six percent of actual profit of every haul after this one… sure it was a gamble, some hauls would be bad and others good. But it wasn't really about the money. It was about giving them permanent berth, a place to call home. A sense of security. That was worth more than any amount of money Harkness or anybody else could offer.

Jack eyed him a moment. "The only thing I expect out of you is the same level of performance you gave me on the last operation," he said. "I expect that there won't be any more incidents. With _anyone_.

"I expect my crew to act like a team, off duty as well as on, Mr Stasi. We depend on each other with our lives out there," he gestured towards the direction they'd come, open space. "We depend on each other here, too.

"I expect you to follow orders, but I promise you that I won't ask any more of you than I'm willing to give myself. I know you've heard your share of empty promises," he added. "And I know it's hard to trust anyone. It's been hard for me, too. But if you trust me, if we trust each other, I can show you a better life than the one you've had.

"It won't be an easy life," Jack cautioned. "But it can – it _will _– be better."

"I… would like that, Sir. Very much."

Jack held out his hand, "Welcome aboard."

"Thank you."

……………………………………………………….

Anna surveyed the infirmary. She had filed her final reports into the ship's database.

She'd made a complete list of what had been in the infirmary when she arrived on the _Welshman _and she had carefully noted everything she'd used during the course of her stay. She double checked her lists against actual supplies. It all matched up. Not so much as an aspirin had gone missing. Everything was locked up.

She sat down on the corner of her desk, thinking about her conversation with Jim… she'd told him everything, the same story she told Jack some months back.

"_I was wrong," said Jim, when she finished._

"_Wrong?"_

"_I said nothing you said would change anything. I was wrong."_

_She felt a tremble of fear rising up… but surely… Jim seemed decent, more decent that the Captain had seemed at first… _

"_I admire you all the more, Anna." He took her hand again. "What you did took guts. Jackie keeps saying things will get better someday… we won't live t'see it. But he will."_

"_How long…?" How long had he really been alive… how long would he live, she wondered._

_Jim just shook his head. "It doesn't matter. What does matter is that what we do… how we live… the decisions we make, the big ones as well as the little ones… they all affect what happens next. Even if we don't see the results, it's worth it. It still matters. One person can change everything just by doing the right thing at the right time."_

"_How do you know when the right time is?"_

_He smiled. "It's always the right time."_

The infirmary door slid open. She'd been expecting Jim… he'd asked if he could buy her dinner when they got to Omega and she'd said yes… but it was the Captain. Anna rose to her feet.

"At ease, Doc," he said. She had yet to give him her final answer. "I just came by ask if there was anything I could say to talk you into staying on with us."

"No. There isn't. I've already decided to stay." Her smile warmed when Jim came in behind the Captain. "But if you'll excuse me…"

Jack's own smile warmed to a grin, "Absolutely. You Kids have fun…"

"Do you call everybody a kid?" Anna asked him.

"When you're as old as I am, Doc, everybody is a kid."

She gave him a speculative look.

"You don't want to know. Go on, get outa here," he nodded towards the door. "Just don't do anything I wouldn't do," he added with a smirk, his brows raised suggestively.

"There _isn't _anything you wouldn't do, Jackie."

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right," he flashed another wry grin.

Jack followed them out of the ship and headed towards Bessie's… he'd kept Kam waiting long enough as it was for their second date…. but he didn't miss the soft kiss Jim planted on Anna's cheek when he thought no one wasn't looking…


End file.
